Bob Barker Tussles with Cherokee Over Captive Bears

Yet MORE Cherokee stuff! This was on the national news last night. Apparently, former "The Price Is Right" host and animal rights activist Bob Barker (remember, he always closed the show by reminding us to have our pets spayed or neutered!) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are not happy with how 3 businesses in Cherokee, NC, treat its captive bears. They claim that the concrete pits in which the bears are kept are unsuitable and inhumane. And they're calling for a complete tourism boycott of the reservation!

The 3 zoos are privately owned and include Santa's Land, Cherokee Bear Zoo and Chief Saunooke's Bear Park. Reservation and business leaders are not happy about the negative attention, and have told Barker and PETA to stay away and mind their own business. They claim the bears are well cared for, and their facilities are regularly inspected by federal officials to comply with the Animal Welfare Act. But apparently, there's an NC state law that says captive bears must have at least 1 acre of natural habitat--and the Cherokee reservation is exempt from that law. Hmmm, so I guess the Cherokee have to comply with federal laws but not state laws? I've never understood how all that works.

I'm torn on this. I'd prefer to see bears wandering in a natural habitat--but who's to say that's any more humane than a concrete pit? Seriously--how do we know what the bears think about this? Maybe it just makes us humans feel better about keeping them in captivity?

Well, I'm afraid I won't be joining Barker's boycott (I have that conference in September), but what do you think about concrete pits vs. natural habitats??

Bob Barker Tussles with Cherokee Over Captive Bears

Yet MORE Cherokee stuff! This was on the national news last night. Apparently, former "The Price Is Right" host and animal rights activist Bob Barker (remember, he always closed the show by reminding us to have our pets spayed or neutered!) and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals are not happy with how 3 businesses in Cherokee, NC, treat its captive bears. They claim that the concrete pits in which the bears are kept are unsuitable and inhumane. And they're calling for a complete tourism boycott of the reservation!

The 3 zoos are privately owned and include Santa's Land, Cherokee Bear Zoo and Chief Saunooke's Bear Park. Reservation and business leaders are not happy about the negative attention, and have told Barker and PETA to stay away and mind their own business. They claim the bears are well cared for, and their facilities are regularly inspected by federal officials to comply with the Animal Welfare Act. But apparently, there's an NC state law that says captive bears must have at least 1 acre of natural habitat--and the Cherokee reservation is exempt from that law. Hmmm, so I guess the Cherokee have to comply with federal laws but not state laws? I've never understood how all that works.

I'm torn on this. I'd prefer to see bears wandering in a natural habitat--but who's to say that's any more humane than a concrete pit? Seriously--how do we know what the bears think about this? Maybe it just makes us humans feel better about keeping them in captivity?

Well, I'm afraid I won't be joining Barker's boycott (I have that conference in September), but what do you think about concrete pits vs. natural habitats??

My First Wedding?

Talk about weird and unexpected connections! Through Facebook, I had reconnected with a casual friend from high school. I remember her being a very sweet girl, and we had a few classes together, plus she also did some writing. But I think our strongest bond was that we were both the target of bullies in high school. But I haven't seen her since graduation, in over 20 years.

So there is she on Facebook. Now, in that particular guise that I present to the world of Muggles, I don't mention anything about shamanism, my spirit name or anything similar. There are simply lots of people out there who don't understand and make judgments, and I'm not quite ready to expose myself to the questions, etc.

But this girl somehow made the connection to the mystery school! I've never posted about it on Facebook, but there are a few fellow participants who make no secret of their path. All I can guess is that she saw some photo or something and went from there. And that's ok--I believe it was meant to be. So she sends me a message asking about it and just revealing details about her own neo-pagan spiritual path. It was a sweet note, too, about how she felt connected to me back in high school. Of course, I am so excited to find a kindred spirit, especially one of the few who emerged from our Christian school upbringing!

I emailed her back and share more about my own spiritual path. Turns out she's engaged and is looking for a minister to do a pagan/Wiccan ceremony! I mentioned that I'm newly ordained, and she wants me to do the wedding! It'll be on October 31--Samhain/Halloween--and they're hoping to hold the ceremony in a local state park. How wonderful!

I still have yet to meet with her about the details, but I'm so excited how this is unfolding. The universe can truly present some great opportunities when you put yourself out there!

My First Wedding?

Talk about weird and unexpected connections! Through Facebook, I had reconnected with a casual friend from high school. I remember her being a very sweet girl, and we had a few classes together, plus she also did some writing. But I think our strongest bond was that we were both the target of bullies in high school. But I haven't seen her since graduation, in over 20 years.

So there is she on Facebook. Now, in that particular guise that I present to the world of Muggles, I don't mention anything about shamanism, my spirit name or anything similar. There are simply lots of people out there who don't understand and make judgments, and I'm not quite ready to expose myself to the questions, etc.

But this girl somehow made the connection to the mystery school! I've never posted about it on Facebook, but there are a few fellow participants who make no secret of their path. All I can guess is that she saw some photo or something and went from there. And that's ok--I believe it was meant to be. So she sends me a message asking about it and just revealing details about her own neo-pagan spiritual path. It was a sweet note, too, about how she felt connected to me back in high school. Of course, I am so excited to find a kindred spirit, especially one of the few who emerged from our Christian school upbringing!

I emailed her back and share more about my own spiritual path. Turns out she's engaged and is looking for a minister to do a pagan/Wiccan ceremony! I mentioned that I'm newly ordained, and she wants me to do the wedding! It'll be on October 31--Samhain/Halloween--and they're hoping to hold the ceremony in a local state park. How wonderful!

I still have yet to meet with her about the details, but I'm so excited how this is unfolding. The universe can truly present some great opportunities when you put yourself out there!

Enough With Tossing the Lottery Tickets!

I have a local litterbug that is driving me crazy! Over the last several weeks, I've noticed discarded lottery tickets littering the roadside almost every other day on my morning walk. What gives, dude? Look, I'm sorry you didn't win a million dollars, but can you please dispose of these tickets in your ash tray or the trash can at your house? Are you just so furious at the universe that you have to fling these out your car window?

Has to be the same person. He/she must pick up lottery tickets on a regular basis and then toss them in roughly the same spot while driving to wherever. Honestly, they're always found on the same stretch of road. What are the chances of several different people doing this??

Anyway, I'll continue to pick them up because I don't want to see them floating in the creek. But to whomever is the litterbug, I don't think the universe is going to let you win any money until you learn how to treat Mother Earth better!

Enough With Tossing the Lottery Tickets!

I have a local litterbug that is driving me crazy! Over the last several weeks, I've noticed discarded lottery tickets littering the roadside almost every other day on my morning walk. What gives, dude? Look, I'm sorry you didn't win a million dollars, but can you please dispose of these tickets in your ash tray or the trash can at your house? Are you just so furious at the universe that you have to fling these out your car window?

Has to be the same person. He/she must pick up lottery tickets on a regular basis and then toss them in roughly the same spot while driving to wherever. Honestly, they're always found on the same stretch of road. What are the chances of several different people doing this??

Anyway, I'll continue to pick them up because I don't want to see them floating in the creek. But to whomever is the litterbug, I don't think the universe is going to let you win any money until you learn how to treat Mother Earth better!

A Good Dose of Turtle Medicine

By medicine, I'm obviously referring to the symbolic qualities of the turtle and what these fascinating creatures can teach us. Turns out turtles have been showing up quite a bit lately in my life. The other week on my walk around the lake, I spied 2 large turtles foraging around in the mud. I stood and watched them for a long time, although I wasn't close enough to identify them. A day or so later, I spotted a box turtle on a path very close to my home. And over the weekend, I spotted another box turtle not far from the main road.

Then I thought, "maybe the turtles are talking to me!" Because I recalled that the theme for the upcoming Fall session of the Cherokee Full Circle workshop is--turtle medicine! I'm still planning to attend, and the entire workshop is based around the symbolism of turtles in the Cherokee tradition.

Funny how these things come together. So I've been reading up on turtle symbolism and taking notes. If you'd like to know more, just google "turtle totem" and you can read for days. But here's what stood out to me.

• Because of their longevity and slow mannerisms, turtles can teach us new perspectives on time and our relationship to it. It may be time to slow down and and go with the flow of life rather than against it.
  
• The turtle's shell has lots of symbolism. It may indicate we should withdraw to nurture our ideas until they're ready for expression. Or it may signal that we need to set up boundaries for personal protection from situations or persons.
  
• Turtles often symbolize the Earth itself, and some traditions even once believed the Earth sat on top of a turtle's shell. It can be a call to ground yourself more closely to the Earth, to the basics, to nature, and to tune into the Earth's energies rather than your own to better navigate life.
• Since turtles can live on land or in the water, they are often seen as a symbolic bridge between this world and the Faerie realm (not exactly sure how that works--but it sounds fun!).
  

So be alert and aware, and see what nature is trying to tell you out there!

A Good Dose of Turtle Medicine

By medicine, I'm obviously referring to the symbolic qualities of the turtle and what these fascinating creatures can teach us. Turns out turtles have been showing up quite a bit lately in my life. The other week on my walk around the lake, I spied 2 large turtles foraging around in the mud. I stood and watched them for a long time, although I wasn't close enough to identify them. A day or so later, I spotted a box turtle on a path very close to my home. And over the weekend, I spotted another box turtle not far from the main road.

Then I thought, "maybe the turtles are talking to me!" Because I recalled that the theme for the upcoming Fall session of the Cherokee Full Circle workshop is--turtle medicine! I'm still planning to attend, and the entire workshop is based around the symbolism of turtles in the Cherokee tradition.

Funny how these things come together. So I've been reading up on turtle symbolism and taking notes. If you'd like to know more, just google "turtle totem" and you can read for days. But here's what stood out to me.

• Because of their longevity and slow mannerisms, turtles can teach us new perspectives on time and our relationship to it. It may be time to slow down and and go with the flow of life rather than against it.
  
• The turtle's shell has lots of symbolism. It may indicate we should withdraw to nurture our ideas until they're ready for expression. Or it may signal that we need to set up boundaries for personal protection from situations or persons.
  
• Turtles often symbolize the Earth itself, and some traditions even once believed the Earth sat on top of a turtle's shell. It can be a call to ground yourself more closely to the Earth, to the basics, to nature, and to tune into the Earth's energies rather than your own to better navigate life.
• Since turtles can live on land or in the water, they are often seen as a symbolic bridge between this world and the Faerie realm (not exactly sure how that works--but it sounds fun!).
  

So be alert and aware, and see what nature is trying to tell you out there!

"The Orphan" a Great Thriller

Saw "The Orphan" over the weekend and loved it! Even jumped out of my skin a few times over nothing more than a door squeaking and totally embarrassed myself! The girl who plays the orphan is excellent--but what was really creepy was how much she reminded me of a once-friend of mine. That girl had her own issues, believe me!

There was some interesting camera work that added to the overall creepiness of the film, but I will say that what I was expecting was going to be a little-girl-possessed-by-the-devil movie turned out to be more of a serial-killer kind of thing. Which is fine, and I never expected the revelation about "Esther" at the end.

The writing was pretty good, too--although there is one scene toward the end that made me groan out loud. So, yes, I'd recommend it. You'll totally want to punch this little girl in the face--NOT that I'm advocating that, certainly not. But the film totally draws you in.

And from now on, Victorian clothes and velvet chokers will freak you out!

"The Orphan" a Great Thriller

Saw "The Orphan" over the weekend and loved it! Even jumped out of my skin a few times over nothing more than a door squeaking and totally embarrassed myself! The girl who plays the orphan is excellent--but what was really creepy was how much she reminded me of a once-friend of mine. That girl had her own issues, believe me!

There was some interesting camera work that added to the overall creepiness of the film, but I will say that what I was expecting was going to be a little-girl-possessed-by-the-devil movie turned out to be more of a serial-killer kind of thing. Which is fine, and I never expected the revelation about "Esther" at the end.

The writing was pretty good, too--although there is one scene toward the end that made me groan out loud. So, yes, I'd recommend it. You'll totally want to punch this little girl in the face--NOT that I'm advocating that, certainly not. But the film totally draws you in.

And from now on, Victorian clothes and velvet chokers will freak you out!

Drought in Brandtlund Grove?

I don't know what the "official" word is, but if we're not in a drought, we soon will be! Last week on my walk by the lake, I noticed the water level was down slightly. Well, today it was extreme, twice as bad as last week and shocking to see the water level drop so quickly in such a short time. A few of the small streams that feed the lake have completely dried out. We need some rain!

But nature was still out and about in full force. Saw 2 beautiful white water birds (egrets? cranes?) and a few herons. The rose of sharon is also in bloom.

Didn't have my camera with my this trip, unfortunately!

Drought in Brandtlund Grove?

I don't know what the "official" word is, but if we're not in a drought, we soon will be! Last week on my walk by the lake, I noticed the water level was down slightly. Well, today it was extreme, twice as bad as last week and shocking to see the water level drop so quickly in such a short time. A few of the small streams that feed the lake have completely dried out. We need some rain!

But nature was still out and about in full force. Saw 2 beautiful white water birds (egrets? cranes?) and a few herons. The rose of sharon is also in bloom.

Didn't have my camera with my this trip, unfortunately!

Boys of Summer #5: Tangerine Dream

From Admire, a great site with excellent photography and beautiful men

Boys of Summer #5: Tangerine Dream

From Admire, a great site with excellent photography and beautiful men

The Break-Up: Dazed and Confused

Wish I had something different on my mind today, but this is all I got, folks. Yesterday I looked at a few apartments, and I plan to see more this afternoon. It was so weird--I felt like a zombie in some kind of daze. Part of it was just the fact of having my own house for so long that I didn't know I was doing! Oh yeah, remember to ask about washer/dryer connections, the security deposit, any specials on rent--that sort of thing. And they gotta be biker-friendly!

But mostly it was, "Am I really doing this?" And of course, those perky leasing agents want to know WHY I'm looking for an apartment! I mumbled something generic--and thank the goddess I didn't burst into tears!

The oddest part is that I don't care about most of what they're selling. Don't care about a pool, tennis courts, special events and all that. It's all too Melrose Place.

There are some around without all the bells and whistles, and I'm checking out one today. I'd like to find something that at least has a patio/balcony where I can get outside when I want. Hmmm, I wonder if these places have any restrictions against conch horn blowing to welcome the neighborhood spirits??

The Break-Up: Dazed and Confused

Wish I had something different on my mind today, but this is all I got, folks. Yesterday I looked at a few apartments, and I plan to see more this afternoon. It was so weird--I felt like a zombie in some kind of daze. Part of it was just the fact of having my own house for so long that I didn't know I was doing! Oh yeah, remember to ask about washer/dryer connections, the security deposit, any specials on rent--that sort of thing. And they gotta be biker-friendly!

But mostly it was, "Am I really doing this?" And of course, those perky leasing agents want to know WHY I'm looking for an apartment! I mumbled something generic--and thank the goddess I didn't burst into tears!

The oddest part is that I don't care about most of what they're selling. Don't care about a pool, tennis courts, special events and all that. It's all too Melrose Place.

There are some around without all the bells and whistles, and I'm checking out one today. I'd like to find something that at least has a patio/balcony where I can get outside when I want. Hmmm, I wonder if these places have any restrictions against conch horn blowing to welcome the neighborhood spirits??

Gloriana: "Wild at Heart"

"That rebel moon is shining ... just want to free-fall for a while." My sentiments exactly! Love this song from new group Gloriana (which I originally thought was some country-fried drag queen). You may not follow country music, but there's a great new trend, back to more rootsy music with sharp lyrics built around 3- or 4-part harmonies. And less emphasis on corny twang and "aw-shucks" gimmicks (which is ok in small doses).

Similar groups emerging on the scene include Little Big Town (think country Fleetwood Mac!) and Lady Antebellum (again with the drag names). Their music reminds me of The Eagles and other similar bands from the '70s. And it doesn't hurt that these boys and girls (especially the boys) are all cute and trendy. Yee-haw!

Here's "Wild at Heart":

Gloriana: "Wild at Heart"

"That rebel moon is shining ... just want to free-fall for a while." My sentiments exactly! Love this song from new group Gloriana (which I originally thought was some country-fried drag queen). You may not follow country music, but there's a great new trend, back to more rootsy music with sharp lyrics built around 3- or 4-part harmonies. And less emphasis on corny twang and "aw-shucks" gimmicks (which is ok in small doses).

Similar groups emerging on the scene include Little Big Town (think country Fleetwood Mac!) and Lady Antebellum (again with the drag names). Their music reminds me of The Eagles and other similar bands from the '70s. And it doesn't hurt that these boys and girls (especially the boys) are all cute and trendy. Yee-haw!

Here's "Wild at Heart":

Naked Cowboy to Run for NYC Mayor!

This is too funny. Most everyone has heard of the guy in New York's Times Square who plays guitar in a cowboy hat and just his undies. Well, he is indeed running against Michael Bloomberg for mayor. He's supposed to make his official announcement today at 11 am.

Check out his web site--he has his own clever take on Obama's presidential campaign logo but using a guitar pick!

The Naked Cowboy may be too conservative for me--he did endorse McCain in the '08 election--but any guy who dances and sings in his underwear can't be all bad, right?

Naked Cowboy to Run for NYC Mayor!

This is too funny. Most everyone has heard of the guy in New York's Times Square who plays guitar in a cowboy hat and just his undies. Well, he is indeed running against Michael Bloomberg for mayor. He's supposed to make his official announcement today at 11 am.

Check out his web site--he has his own clever take on Obama's presidential campaign logo but using a guitar pick!

The Naked Cowboy may be too conservative for me--he did endorse McCain in the '08 election--but any guy who dances and sings in his underwear can't be all bad, right?

Being Led to Cherokee

With all the emotional turmoil in my life right now, I'm trying to focus on the good things I want. One of those would be a trip to Cherokee, NC. I just love this beautiful pic of a Cherokee dancer. And it seems I'm being led there by some mysterious unseen force!

Turns out there is a spiritual retreat of sorts coming up in September that lets you study Native American/Cherokee traditions. It's explained as "finding the right way of relationship with the Earth"--and I certainly want to study this more deeply. A few of the people from my shaman mystery school may travel there. It's not too far from home, and they say it's a great experience.

I start thinking about going, and then a friend gives me a necklace made from a bear claw that she bought! I should take a photo--it's beautiful, and it was quite unexpected. Where did she get it? Near Cherokee!

Next, a friend who runs a travel web site posts some recent photos of a festival held in--Cherokee!

Then just the other day, I'm browsing on the Huffington Post when up pops an ad for a sweepstakes to visit--Cherokee! Of course I entered right away!

Ok, I don't need a brick to hit me over the head (well, sometimes...)! I've been doing some research and there are all kinds of cool things in Cherokee--an outdoor drama about the Trail of Tears, a recreated Cherokee village, museums and crafts. And the town is located right at the National Forest, so I'm sure there's great hiking, too. I'll keep you posted!

Being Led to Cherokee

With all the emotional turmoil in my life right now, I'm trying to focus on the good things I want. One of those would be a trip to Cherokee, NC. I just love this beautiful pic of a Cherokee dancer. And it seems I'm being led there by some mysterious unseen force!

Turns out there is a spiritual retreat of sorts coming up in September that lets you study Native American/Cherokee traditions. It's explained as "finding the right way of relationship with the Earth"--and I certainly want to study this more deeply. A few of the people from my shaman mystery school may travel there. It's not too far from home, and they say it's a great experience.

I start thinking about going, and then a friend gives me a necklace made from a bear claw that she bought! I should take a photo--it's beautiful, and it was quite unexpected. Where did she get it? Near Cherokee!

Next, a friend who runs a travel web site posts some recent photos of a festival held in--Cherokee!

Then just the other day, I'm browsing on the Huffington Post when up pops an ad for a sweepstakes to visit--Cherokee! Of course I entered right away!

Ok, I don't need a brick to hit me over the head (well, sometimes...)! I've been doing some research and there are all kinds of cool things in Cherokee--an outdoor drama about the Trail of Tears, a recreated Cherokee village, museums and crafts. And the town is located right at the National Forest, so I'm sure there's great hiking, too. I'll keep you posted!

The Break-Up: Apartment Hunting

So Saturday night, my partner broke yet another promise (both to me and himself) and had a drink--when I wasn't looking. But I'm sharper than that and realized it. Just one--but this is how it goes. One leads to two leads to five leads to blackouts.

Monday morning we had a little talk but I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and it was time to split up. I could see his heart breaking right before me. It's just sad that he doesn't get it and won't do anything about the drinking except blame me. I'm headed back to Al-Anon myself to preserve what sanity I have left.

I gotta get out. Being in the house with him just wears me down. I slip into those familiar routines and "honey-do" lists and before you know it, I'm wanting to stay and the lure of the familiar and safe has me trapped again. I've only myself to blame for that. So I'm looking for apartments. A friend offered a room in her home, but--long story--she's quite high maintenance even though I love her to death, and I'm afraid it would ruin our friendship! My sister offered too, but her place is small and she smokes (which I don't like), and I'm afraid she would revert to "older sister mode" and start bossing me around again! A place of my own is best.

My partner has been out of town for a funeral but left a few sweet notes around the house. Again, he's saying all the right things. Am I a bitch if I say it's simply too late?

The Break-Up: Apartment Hunting

So Saturday night, my partner broke yet another promise (both to me and himself) and had a drink--when I wasn't looking. But I'm sharper than that and realized it. Just one--but this is how it goes. One leads to two leads to five leads to blackouts.

Monday morning we had a little talk but I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and it was time to split up. I could see his heart breaking right before me. It's just sad that he doesn't get it and won't do anything about the drinking except blame me. I'm headed back to Al-Anon myself to preserve what sanity I have left.

I gotta get out. Being in the house with him just wears me down. I slip into those familiar routines and "honey-do" lists and before you know it, I'm wanting to stay and the lure of the familiar and safe has me trapped again. I've only myself to blame for that. So I'm looking for apartments. A friend offered a room in her home, but--long story--she's quite high maintenance even though I love her to death, and I'm afraid it would ruin our friendship! My sister offered too, but her place is small and she smokes (which I don't like), and I'm afraid she would revert to "older sister mode" and start bossing me around again! A place of my own is best.

My partner has been out of town for a funeral but left a few sweet notes around the house. Again, he's saying all the right things. Am I a bitch if I say it's simply too late?

He's Drinking Again...

That's it. No more playing the fool. I know I've said it before but I guess I need to be hit over the head a few times and have those rose-colored glasses smashed and broken. It was just one drink but he went sneaking behind my back. And he had promised to never drink again--silly me. I'm angry, yes, but mostly I'm sad.

He's Drinking Again...

That's it. No more playing the fool. I know I've said it before but I guess I need to be hit over the head a few times and have those rose-colored glasses smashed and broken. It was just one drink but he went sneaking behind my back. And he had promised to never drink again--silly me. I'm angry, yes, but mostly I'm sad.

Boys of Summer #4: At the Beach with Dad

Isn't this the cutest and sexiest photo ever? The dad is Emanuel from the latest installment of the reality TV show "Big Brother Brazil." They have matching Speedos! Awwww....


From Made in Brazil.

Boys of Summer #4: At the Beach with Dad

Isn't this the cutest and sexiest photo ever? The dad is Emanuel from the latest installment of the reality TV show "Big Brother Brazil." They have matching Speedos! Awwww....


From Made in Brazil.

Busy as a Bee!

Sorry for being so delinquent in posting this week, but it's been a busy one! Here's what I've been up to:

• developing a web site to publicize my ministerial/shamanic services,
• conducted my first house/land blessing,
  
• an extra project dumped in my lap at the office job,
• 2 interviews this week for a writing project based on my mystery school experience,
• and a freakin' flat tire!
  

What about my partner and I? Well, we're doing ok. I find myself still torn between not trusting that he'll actually be able to kick the alcohol to wanting to give him yet one more chance.

Fortunately the weekend doesn't look too hectic. I need to get myself out for a walk in the Grove!

Busy as a Bee!

Sorry for being so delinquent in posting this week, but it's been a busy one! Here's what I've been up to:

• developing a web site to publicize my ministerial/shamanic services,
• conducted my first house/land blessing,
  
• an extra project dumped in my lap at the office job,
• 2 interviews this week for a writing project based on my mystery school experience,
• and a freakin' flat tire!
  

What about my partner and I? Well, we're doing ok. I find myself still torn between not trusting that he'll actually be able to kick the alcohol to wanting to give him yet one more chance.

Fortunately the weekend doesn't look too hectic. I need to get myself out for a walk in the Grove!

The Breakup: A Table Setting for Breakfast

It's odd the things that stick in your mind when you're deciding whether to end a relationship. I can't remember when it started exactly, but for a few years now, I've set out everything my partner needs for his breakfast. I'm always the first to leave in the mornings. I make the coffee and set his plate, bowl, napkin, spoon, coffee cup and a packet of sweetner on the counter.

But now that I'm trying to distance myself, this little act has taken on a huge significance. Lately I've been leaving the house without setting out his stuff. After all, he can do it himself! Of course, he notices and says how he likes it when I make this simple gesture. But one morning I found myself in this terrible dilemma. The night before, we'd had a decent talk, and I guess i was in a better, more forgiving mood. I literally stood there in the kitchen debating whether to put out the dishes or not. For me, putting them out signified all was forgiven; but not doing it felt like I was being too stubborn.

In the end, I chose not to. All is not forgiven. Maybe it will be, at some point. Last night, I asked him, "Why is this time different? How do I know the drinking won't start again." My partner says he can kick it by sheer force of will; he loves me, he says, and doesn't want to lose me. But I just don't know if I can forgive and forget again. Until I can, he gets his own breakfast dishes.

The Breakup: A Table Setting for Breakfast

It's odd the things that stick in your mind when you're deciding whether to end a relationship. I can't remember when it started exactly, but for a few years now, I've set out everything my partner needs for his breakfast. I'm always the first to leave in the mornings. I make the coffee and set his plate, bowl, napkin, spoon, coffee cup and a packet of sweetner on the counter.

But now that I'm trying to distance myself, this little act has taken on a huge significance. Lately I've been leaving the house without setting out his stuff. After all, he can do it himself! Of course, he notices and says how he likes it when I make this simple gesture. But one morning I found myself in this terrible dilemma. The night before, we'd had a decent talk, and I guess i was in a better, more forgiving mood. I literally stood there in the kitchen debating whether to put out the dishes or not. For me, putting them out signified all was forgiven; but not doing it felt like I was being too stubborn.

In the end, I chose not to. All is not forgiven. Maybe it will be, at some point. Last night, I asked him, "Why is this time different? How do I know the drinking won't start again." My partner says he can kick it by sheer force of will; he loves me, he says, and doesn't want to lose me. But I just don't know if I can forgive and forget again. Until I can, he gets his own breakfast dishes.

Please Tell Me I'm Not a Conservative!

Does it ever shock you when you find yourself agreeing with the "other side?" Now this gets into politics, and I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but--I'm having a political identity crisis!

Yesterday I was eating lunch and reading a local paper that happens to have a conservative bent. Why was I even reading it, you ask? The reason is the paper does a good job of local coverage, but the editorial slant is so obviously conservative that I only pick it up every few weeks out of curiosity.

The editor is talking about the recent ousting of the Honduran president (oh wait, did I just lose you?)--and I actually agreed with him! I'll make this short. From what I understand, Pres. Manual Zelaya wanted to have another term, which was a constitutional no-no. He tried to change that, but both the Honduran Congress and Supreme Court said, "You're outta here!" They've installed a temporary president until elections can be held.

Here's where it gets tricky. In the U.S., this is being labeled a "coup" because the Honduran military raided Zelaya's home and tossed him out of the country, albeit with the backing of the Supreme Court and Congress. Most world leaders have condemned this action. So this conservative local paper was asking, "What gives?"--and I found myself agreeing! Even in the U.S. we can remove a president through a specific process with other branches of government. So, was it the voice of the Honduran people or not?

Of course, nothing's that simple, as I found out when doing more research. Sounds like Zelaya had lots of enemies and they drove him out, using "the democratic process" to further their own ends. *sigh*

Fortunately, I don't think I'm turning conservative. But this is what happens when you stop listening to the news or doing your own research! The local paper obviously hasn't done its homework--it was just spouting rhetoric. Be careful, my friends, and question everything!

To Honduras--Bueno suerte! (good luck)

Please Tell Me I'm Not a Conservative!

Does it ever shock you when you find yourself agreeing with the "other side?" Now this gets into politics, and I know I said I was taking a hiatus, but--I'm having a political identity crisis!

Yesterday I was eating lunch and reading a local paper that happens to have a conservative bent. Why was I even reading it, you ask? The reason is the paper does a good job of local coverage, but the editorial slant is so obviously conservative that I only pick it up every few weeks out of curiosity.

The editor is talking about the recent ousting of the Honduran president (oh wait, did I just lose you?)--and I actually agreed with him! I'll make this short. From what I understand, Pres. Manual Zelaya wanted to have another term, which was a constitutional no-no. He tried to change that, but both the Honduran Congress and Supreme Court said, "You're outta here!" They've installed a temporary president until elections can be held.

Here's where it gets tricky. In the U.S., this is being labeled a "coup" because the Honduran military raided Zelaya's home and tossed him out of the country, albeit with the backing of the Supreme Court and Congress. Most world leaders have condemned this action. So this conservative local paper was asking, "What gives?"--and I found myself agreeing! Even in the U.S. we can remove a president through a specific process with other branches of government. So, was it the voice of the Honduran people or not?

Of course, nothing's that simple, as I found out when doing more research. Sounds like Zelaya had lots of enemies and they drove him out, using "the democratic process" to further their own ends. *sigh*

Fortunately, I don't think I'm turning conservative. But this is what happens when you stop listening to the news or doing your own research! The local paper obviously hasn't done its homework--it was just spouting rhetoric. Be careful, my friends, and question everything!

To Honduras--Bueno suerte! (good luck)

Boys of Summer 09 #3: Let's Go for a Swim!

Is it me, or did it just suddenly get hotter?

Boys of Summer 09 #3: Let's Go for a Swim!

Is it me, or did it just suddenly get hotter?

A Weekend to Myself

My partner headed home to see family, a few hours away, and--thankfully--I have the weekend all to myself. Which I SO need. Things are civil at the moment, and he's still on his best behavior. Still no drinking. In fact, yesterday we ended up at last-minute birthday for a friend; we met at a restaurant/bar, and he didn't even have 1 drink, despite everyone else enjoying themselves. That's huge. Since we couldn't stay for dinner, I thought we'd invite everyone over later for some of the blackberry cobbler I had made. A few friends came over with bottles of wine, but my partner held his ground.

Later we talked and he said he wished could have a drink with the rest of us, like he used to. He said he knew that if he did, however, he wouldn't be able to stop. So that's good news, right? I wonder if he's finally turning a corner---but I'm skeptical. I have to protect myself. I need to see more progress, more change, more evidence. Going home to his family usually triggers more drinking, so we'll see what his mood is like when he returns home Sunday night. In the meantime, I'm going to take a long, deep breath and probably get in some time on the motorcycle to clear my head.

A Weekend to Myself

My partner headed home to see family, a few hours away, and--thankfully--I have the weekend all to myself. Which I SO need. Things are civil at the moment, and he's still on his best behavior. Still no drinking. In fact, yesterday we ended up at last-minute birthday for a friend; we met at a restaurant/bar, and he didn't even have 1 drink, despite everyone else enjoying themselves. That's huge. Since we couldn't stay for dinner, I thought we'd invite everyone over later for some of the blackberry cobbler I had made. A few friends came over with bottles of wine, but my partner held his ground.

Later we talked and he said he wished could have a drink with the rest of us, like he used to. He said he knew that if he did, however, he wouldn't be able to stop. So that's good news, right? I wonder if he's finally turning a corner---but I'm skeptical. I have to protect myself. I need to see more progress, more change, more evidence. Going home to his family usually triggers more drinking, so we'll see what his mood is like when he returns home Sunday night. In the meantime, I'm going to take a long, deep breath and probably get in some time on the motorcycle to clear my head.

Evening Primrose in Bloom!

These flowers are so fun to watch as they bloom. You literally see them unfurl open right before your eyes--pop! The blooms open at dusk, which is around 8:45 right now, and then last just the one night. They die back in the sun the next day, but more blooms pop each day. Plus, the plants put out tons of seeds, so you'll have even more the next year! They also have a faint lemony fragrance.

Learn more here!

Evening Primrose in Bloom!

These flowers are so fun to watch as they bloom. You literally see them unfurl open right before your eyes--pop! The blooms open at dusk, which is around 8:45 right now, and then last just the one night. They die back in the sun the next day, but more blooms pop each day. Plus, the plants put out tons of seeds, so you'll have even more the next year! They also have a faint lemony fragrance.

Learn more here!

Wedding Update, Plus Blessing a Friend's Home

These druids in the pic have the coolest outfits! Apparently, they're conducting a sort of blessing--which is similar to what I'll be doing next week! I'm traveling to visit a friend who recently moved into a new home on her family's farm, and I've put together a blessing ritual for her house and the land. Can't wait! I really enjoyed learning all the various ritual techniques from the shamanic mystery school, and it's so fun to put it into practice.

At one time, I thought blessings and rituals in general were silly, but that was just my twisted Protestant upbringing talking. Rituals are fun! All the pre-Christian religions did it, and the more liturgical Christian sects still do it today, such as Catholics and Episcopalians. And a lot of those Christian rituals even have pagan roots.

By the way, no word from the bride that I emailed last week about conducting her wedding. I guess she's found someone else. Oh well, there will be others!

Wedding Update, Plus Blessing a Friend's Home

These druids in the pic have the coolest outfits! Apparently, they're conducting a sort of blessing--which is similar to what I'll be doing next week! I'm traveling to visit a friend who recently moved into a new home on her family's farm, and I've put together a blessing ritual for her house and the land. Can't wait! I really enjoyed learning all the various ritual techniques from the shamanic mystery school, and it's so fun to put it into practice.

At one time, I thought blessings and rituals in general were silly, but that was just my twisted Protestant upbringing talking. Rituals are fun! All the pre-Christian religions did it, and the more liturgical Christian sects still do it today, such as Catholics and Episcopalians. And a lot of those Christian rituals even have pagan roots.

By the way, no word from the bride that I emailed last week about conducting her wedding. I guess she's found someone else. Oh well, there will be others!

The Breakup: Act 1, Scene 2

A little update. Since Monday morning, my partner has been on his best behavior, doing all those things around the house that he's usually too tipsy to care about. He's also been sending thoughtful text messages, emails and so on. Which is great--but I asked him why it has to get this bad for him to be this good. He also hasn't touched a drop of alcohol. Meanwhile, I've been slowly pushing him away, still sleeping separately, no "hi honey" kisses, not much conversation and generally doing my own thing without asking. I figure we're just roommates now.

I knew this would all get to him, and it did last night. Not that I'm trying to play a game, but I'm serious, and he needs to understand things have to change. So he basically corners me last night and began asking me where we go from here. We had a nice talk, but I kept my distance. He says he now knows he has to change and that he can no longer drink. That's huge--except I doubt his ability to just decide and never drink again. I kept suggesting he talk to our pastor, another counselor, a friend or attend an AA meeting. He seemed to be listening, but we'll see.

When he's sober, he's the sweetest, most thoughtful person, and it kills me to push him away. I just want to reach out and embrace him, tell him it will be ok and that I'll be there for him. But I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so angry, so tired, so hurt, so tired of it all. He wants me to move back into our bedroom, but I said no. But what if he does begin to change, what if he does get help, what if he never drinks again? Do I forgive once again? Right now, I just am unable to do so.

The Breakup: Act 1, Scene 2

A little update. Since Monday morning, my partner has been on his best behavior, doing all those things around the house that he's usually too tipsy to care about. He's also been sending thoughtful text messages, emails and so on. Which is great--but I asked him why it has to get this bad for him to be this good. He also hasn't touched a drop of alcohol. Meanwhile, I've been slowly pushing him away, still sleeping separately, no "hi honey" kisses, not much conversation and generally doing my own thing without asking. I figure we're just roommates now.

I knew this would all get to him, and it did last night. Not that I'm trying to play a game, but I'm serious, and he needs to understand things have to change. So he basically corners me last night and began asking me where we go from here. We had a nice talk, but I kept my distance. He says he now knows he has to change and that he can no longer drink. That's huge--except I doubt his ability to just decide and never drink again. I kept suggesting he talk to our pastor, another counselor, a friend or attend an AA meeting. He seemed to be listening, but we'll see.

When he's sober, he's the sweetest, most thoughtful person, and it kills me to push him away. I just want to reach out and embrace him, tell him it will be ok and that I'll be there for him. But I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so angry, so tired, so hurt, so tired of it all. He wants me to move back into our bedroom, but I said no. But what if he does begin to change, what if he does get help, what if he never drinks again? Do I forgive once again? Right now, I just am unable to do so.

Coneflower in Bloom!

Took this pic last night of the (pitiful) purple coneflower, or echinacea, in our garden. I say pitiful because if it weren't for the deer, these would be much more full by now. The deer munched on the earliest buds. But now it's back, and I guess the deer have found tastier fare elsewhere. If you haven't grown any of these yourself, give them a try. They're beautiful, hardy and typically easy to grow.

I also will post pics of our blooming evening primrose--which also survived "Attack of the Critters!"

Coneflower in Bloom!

Took this pic last night of the (pitiful) purple coneflower, or echinacea, in our garden. I say pitiful because if it weren't for the deer, these would be much more full by now. The deer munched on the earliest buds. But now it's back, and I guess the deer have found tastier fare elsewhere. If you haven't grown any of these yourself, give them a try. They're beautiful, hardy and typically easy to grow.

I also will post pics of our blooming evening primrose--which also survived "Attack of the Critters!"

My Shaman Staff and Fine Jewelry

I think I had mentioned that for my interfaith minister ordination and the final workshop of the shamanic mystery school, I made special jewelry to wear and my first shaman staff. Was happy with how everything turned out (I'm a regular at Michael's now!), so here are a few pics.

Since the mystery school was based on the 7 chakras, I wanted to make a necklace that incorporated all the stones representing those chakras. I used mostly crystal chip necklaces that we had been given during the workshops. You can buy similar chakra necklaces but I felt making it myself would be much more personal, especially using those crystals that were given as gifts. The dolphin pendant I did buy, and it represents my life-long connection to water. The 2 bone pieces on either side plus the metallic spacers were all purchased at a local jewelry shop. To the right is a matching anklet--since I wore my sarong, my legs and feet were bare and, hey, I needed some more bling! The oval pieces are moonstone, and the squares are agate.

A Shaman Staff and Symbolism
The next pics are of my shaman staff, what every REAL shaman needs, of course! Actually, no, you don't NEED a staff to be a shaman, but they are cool. Practically, a staff provides support (duh!) and it helps break me out of my mundane mindset; you could say it magnifies creativity and helps facilitate my connection with nature, spirits and energy (if you believe in that kind of thing *wink*). Mythically, a staff symbolizes higher forms of communication, the axis between heaven and earth, the universal tree of life, and is an antenna to receive, direct and channel energy; essentially, a staff is an extension of your own personal energy and purpose.


See--don't you want a shaman staff now? I haven't yet used it to get water out of a rock a la Moses in the Bible, but maybe soon!

I found the branch in my own yard, and as soon as I picked up it (preparing to toss it on the trash heap)--I felt a little jolt, if you will, and knew it was to be my staff. The wood is maple, which often symbolizes connections to people and nature, bringing things together and attracting positive spirits. All that seemed appropriate for my ordination and my new path.

So I sanded it down and layered on some coats of varnish. At each end, I wrapped copper wire for attracting energy. In the top, I drilled a hole and used a glue gun to attach a quartz crystal--stand back!

A Staff Should Tell Your Spiritual Story
I read somewhere that ritual tools are particularly effective on a subconscious level if they tell a personal story, something spiritual. At the top and bottom of the staff are strands of wooden beads (see 2nd pic close-up). Going from bottom to top, the bead colors symbolize steps along my spiritual path to date. Brown and black represent nature and space, interests that inspired wonder in me as a child; the beige represents clouds/confusion/fogginess and how I wandered from this path; the red symbolizes the blood of Christ and my time as a Christian; the white shows me coming into the light and clear sight, which is where I am now; last, the blue beads represent my birth stone (sapphire) and getting back to what is authentically me.

Baubles, Bangles and More Beads
You can't really see them here, but I used blue ribbon and silvery wire pendants to represent my connection to water. I also attached a bell or two (for the drama!) and a golden leaf pendant, representing nature and the earth.

This last pic shows a strand that includes feathers (my vulture totem plus the concept of spiritual flight), a wooden cross (Christianity), a blue capiz shell piece (water, again) and moonstone (often associated with wolves, my other totem, of course!).

That's more than you probably ever wanted to know, but thanks for indulging me. These were all quite fun to create, and I can't wait to see what my next craft/ritual tool is going to be!

My Shaman Staff and Fine Jewelry

I think I had mentioned that for my interfaith minister ordination and the final workshop of the shamanic mystery school, I made special jewelry to wear and my first shaman staff. Was happy with how everything turned out (I'm a regular at Michael's now!), so here are a few pics.

Since the mystery school was based on the 7 chakras, I wanted to make a necklace that incorporated all the stones representing those chakras. I used mostly crystal chip necklaces that we had been given during the workshops. You can buy similar chakra necklaces but I felt making it myself would be much more personal, especially using those crystals that were given as gifts. The dolphin pendant I did buy, and it represents my life-long connection to water. The 2 bone pieces on either side plus the metallic spacers were all purchased at a local jewelry shop. To the right is a matching anklet--since I wore my sarong, my legs and feet were bare and, hey, I needed some more bling! The oval pieces are moonstone, and the squares are agate.

A Shaman Staff and Symbolism
The next pics are of my shaman staff, what every REAL shaman needs, of course! Actually, no, you don't NEED a staff to be a shaman, but they are cool. Practically, a staff provides support (duh!) and it helps break me out of my mundane mindset; you could say it magnifies creativity and helps facilitate my connection with nature, spirits and energy (if you believe in that kind of thing *wink*). Mythically, a staff symbolizes higher forms of communication, the axis between heaven and earth, the universal tree of life, and is an antenna to receive, direct and channel energy; essentially, a staff is an extension of your own personal energy and purpose.


See--don't you want a shaman staff now? I haven't yet used it to get water out of a rock a la Moses in the Bible, but maybe soon!

I found the branch in my own yard, and as soon as I picked up it (preparing to toss it on the trash heap)--I felt a little jolt, if you will, and knew it was to be my staff. The wood is maple, which often symbolizes connections to people and nature, bringing things together and attracting positive spirits. All that seemed appropriate for my ordination and my new path.

So I sanded it down and layered on some coats of varnish. At each end, I wrapped copper wire for attracting energy. In the top, I drilled a hole and used a glue gun to attach a quartz crystal--stand back!

A Staff Should Tell Your Spiritual Story
I read somewhere that ritual tools are particularly effective on a subconscious level if they tell a personal story, something spiritual. At the top and bottom of the staff are strands of wooden beads (see 2nd pic close-up). Going from bottom to top, the bead colors symbolize steps along my spiritual path to date. Brown and black represent nature and space, interests that inspired wonder in me as a child; the beige represents clouds/confusion/fogginess and how I wandered from this path; the red symbolizes the blood of Christ and my time as a Christian; the white shows me coming into the light and clear sight, which is where I am now; last, the blue beads represent my birth stone (sapphire) and getting back to what is authentically me.

Baubles, Bangles and More Beads
You can't really see them here, but I used blue ribbon and silvery wire pendants to represent my connection to water. I also attached a bell or two (for the drama!) and a golden leaf pendant, representing nature and the earth.

This last pic shows a strand that includes feathers (my vulture totem plus the concept of spiritual flight), a wooden cross (Christianity), a blue capiz shell piece (water, again) and moonstone (often associated with wolves, my other totem, of course!).

That's more than you probably ever wanted to know, but thanks for indulging me. These were all quite fun to create, and I can't wait to see what my next craft/ritual tool is going to be!

The Breakup: Act 1, Scene 1

Not sure how to start this, but--I'm leaving my partner. It's over, done, kaput.

Except it isn't over, not yet. You don't just flip a switch after almost 15 years and call it quits. So what do you do? I realized that it's been a long, long while since I had ended any relationship, and I don't even know how to get started.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. You're probably wondering what happened to tip the scales this time. You may remember I mentioned in passing that our beach vacation was awful. I didn't post the details because it was just more of the same, and I was a little embarrassed, frankly, that I was still with him. It all stems from his alcoholism, which he refuses to acknowledge in any serious way.

We had a good July 4th weekend, and yet something kept gnawing at me in the back of my mind, telling me it wouldn't last. And it didn't. We attended a cookout Sunday evening. He drank but seemed ok. But back home, he kept drinking. Meanwhile I was busy puttering around the house. Then I started to notice he was stumbling and couldn't keep his balance, and I knew... Rather than flip out, I chose to focus on what I was doing. I gave up trying to change him a while ago. Then he appeared to be either asleep or passed out on the sofa. It was late, and I just decided to go to bed. A bit later when I came back into the room to turn off the lights and check doors, I noticed he was headed out the door to our deck. When I asked him what he was doing, he teetered around and stared at me all inebriated. He said he was going to the bathroom. Now this would be funny if it weren't so sad. I reminded him the bathroom was in the back of the house, not outside. It took a moment for it to register, and then he found his way to the toilet.

So it had happened again. Nothing very dramatic, but I decided I'm done. The next morning, of course, he remembered nothing. I've moved all my stuff into the guest room and have been sleeping there. But now what?

We've talked some, and he's apologized profusely and said how he doesn't deserve me and I'm the greatest thing ever and he loves me. And I told him that isn't enough anymore. He's even admitted he needs some kind of help--but I know he won't do anything. He's merely upset that he got caught and that I got angry and he's suffering the consequences. When we talked last night, it was odd--strangely calm, cold, robotic even. I could barely bring myself to say anything. I don't want it to end, dammit! He's a good person and I love him! Yet this isn't working any longer. I don't want this life, not rescuing him from himself.

But practically, I'm stuck. Because of the debt we incurred after his stroke and his loss of income due to the bad real estate market, we have no money. I'm also making less money than last year. I have a tiny bit saved that might take care of 1 or 2 months rent and expenses, but then what? The mortgage is in both our names, but neither one of us can afford the house alone, so we'll have to sell. Yeah, and in this market, how long will that take?

I'm kind of numb right now. I know what I have to do, yet I'm dreading every step of it. I have to begin consciously and intentionally pushing him farther and farther away or I'll end right back in this situation again. I can't move in with family, but there may be a friend or two who has extra room. I know a house is just a house--but damn, I love this house. And The Grove! The land is what I will miss the most. Maybe I can find something comparable, but just the idea of holing up in some condo or apartment after living here is just painful to think about. What about the creek, the lake, the trees and all the critters I've come to know? Sure, I know they'll be fine without me--but will I be fine without them?

On an intellectual level, of course I will. If it's time to move on, then it's time. I feel like I was led to Brandtlund Grove, and so I have to believe that spirit will lead me on to the next place where I need to be.

Advice anyone? I still have to go home, wash clothes, cook dinner, pay bills and deal with all that stuff that binds my partner and I together. I need to start severing those bonds...somehow. I know what I've said to my partner hasn't taken hold yet; he still thinks I'll forgive and forget one more time. Hoo boy, I have a feeling this is going to be long, dramatic and messy.

The Breakup: Act 1, Scene 1

Not sure how to start this, but--I'm leaving my partner. It's over, done, kaput.

Except it isn't over, not yet. You don't just flip a switch after almost 15 years and call it quits. So what do you do? I realized that it's been a long, long while since I had ended any relationship, and I don't even know how to get started.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. You're probably wondering what happened to tip the scales this time. You may remember I mentioned in passing that our beach vacation was awful. I didn't post the details because it was just more of the same, and I was a little embarrassed, frankly, that I was still with him. It all stems from his alcoholism, which he refuses to acknowledge in any serious way.

We had a good July 4th weekend, and yet something kept gnawing at me in the back of my mind, telling me it wouldn't last. And it didn't. We attended a cookout Sunday evening. He drank but seemed ok. But back home, he kept drinking. Meanwhile I was busy puttering around the house. Then I started to notice he was stumbling and couldn't keep his balance, and I knew... Rather than flip out, I chose to focus on what I was doing. I gave up trying to change him a while ago. Then he appeared to be either asleep or passed out on the sofa. It was late, and I just decided to go to bed. A bit later when I came back into the room to turn off the lights and check doors, I noticed he was headed out the door to our deck. When I asked him what he was doing, he teetered around and stared at me all inebriated. He said he was going to the bathroom. Now this would be funny if it weren't so sad. I reminded him the bathroom was in the back of the house, not outside. It took a moment for it to register, and then he found his way to the toilet.

So it had happened again. Nothing very dramatic, but I decided I'm done. The next morning, of course, he remembered nothing. I've moved all my stuff into the guest room and have been sleeping there. But now what?

We've talked some, and he's apologized profusely and said how he doesn't deserve me and I'm the greatest thing ever and he loves me. And I told him that isn't enough anymore. He's even admitted he needs some kind of help--but I know he won't do anything. He's merely upset that he got caught and that I got angry and he's suffering the consequences. When we talked last night, it was odd--strangely calm, cold, robotic even. I could barely bring myself to say anything. I don't want it to end, dammit! He's a good person and I love him! Yet this isn't working any longer. I don't want this life, not rescuing him from himself.

But practically, I'm stuck. Because of the debt we incurred after his stroke and his loss of income due to the bad real estate market, we have no money. I'm also making less money than last year. I have a tiny bit saved that might take care of 1 or 2 months rent and expenses, but then what? The mortgage is in both our names, but neither one of us can afford the house alone, so we'll have to sell. Yeah, and in this market, how long will that take?

I'm kind of numb right now. I know what I have to do, yet I'm dreading every step of it. I have to begin consciously and intentionally pushing him farther and farther away or I'll end right back in this situation again. I can't move in with family, but there may be a friend or two who has extra room. I know a house is just a house--but damn, I love this house. And The Grove! The land is what I will miss the most. Maybe I can find something comparable, but just the idea of holing up in some condo or apartment after living here is just painful to think about. What about the creek, the lake, the trees and all the critters I've come to know? Sure, I know they'll be fine without me--but will I be fine without them?

On an intellectual level, of course I will. If it's time to move on, then it's time. I feel like I was led to Brandtlund Grove, and so I have to believe that spirit will lead me on to the next place where I need to be.

Advice anyone? I still have to go home, wash clothes, cook dinner, pay bills and deal with all that stuff that binds my partner and I together. I need to start severing those bonds...somehow. I know what I've said to my partner hasn't taken hold yet; he still thinks I'll forgive and forget one more time. Hoo boy, I have a feeling this is going to be long, dramatic and messy.

Whose Birthday Is It?

I just looked at my calendar and realized--today is the Dalai Lama's birthday! Well, I hope it's a good one. Does he eat birthday cake? If so, I hope he enjoys it. Birthday cake is one of the greatest things ever!

But to mark his birthday, let's all reflect on how each of us can bring more peace and love to this torn-up world.

To learn more about the 14th and current Dalai Lama, the rightful spiritual and political leader of Tibet, click here.

Whose Birthday Is It?

I just looked at my calendar and realized--today is the Dalai Lama's birthday! Well, I hope it's a good one. Does he eat birthday cake? If so, I hope he enjoys it. Birthday cake is one of the greatest things ever!

But to mark his birthday, let's all reflect on how each of us can bring more peace and love to this torn-up world.

To learn more about the 14th and current Dalai Lama, the rightful spiritual and political leader of Tibet, click here.

Boys of Summer 09 #2: Picnic Anyone?

Thought this was appropriate for the summer picnic season, as well as funny yet sexy all at the same time. Photography is by two French artists who go by the name of Exterface. Pretty bold stuff!

Happy Fourth of July!

Boys of Summer 09 #2: Picnic Anyone?

Thought this was appropriate for the summer picnic season, as well as funny yet sexy all at the same time. Photography is by two French artists who go by the name of Exterface. Pretty bold stuff!

Happy Fourth of July!

Am I a Restaurant Snob? Are You?

Can't decide if I'm a restaurant snob or maybe just old. Here's the thing--the other day I had lunch with my mom and sister and Jason's Deli, a national chain. Despite the fact that their food is always good, I absolutely hated it!

If you've never been, it's one of those places where you place your order first, then trot down a cafeteria line where you pay. They prepare it fresh and bring it to your table, which is nice. But then you have to go through what I call "The Eating Accessories Challenge." You got to get the napkins, your drink, the straw, forks and knives, condiments--all while dodging the other diners converging on the salad bar and the ice cream machine. Little kids dart in and out without looking, and the deli workers are pushing trash cans, carrying food, cleaning up spills--this is better than "Unbeatable Banzuke!" When I finally had all my napkins and stuff in hand, I felt like raising my arms in victory, as if I'd crossed the finish line!

Honestly, I felt like a gazelle fighting with all the other critters for a spot at the watering hole! Then it hit me. I like to go into a restaurant and get all my shit at once, thank you. I don't mind fast food occasionally, as long as I don't have to fight the mob. I'd prefer, however, to go in, be seated, have a waiter take my order and then bring me my food and take my payment. Ah, much simpler. Surely it even aids in proper digestion.

When did food become a contact sport?

Am I a Restaurant Snob? Are You?

Can't decide if I'm a restaurant snob or maybe just old. Here's the thing--the other day I had lunch with my mom and sister and Jason's Deli, a national chain. Despite the fact that their food is always good, I absolutely hated it!

If you've never been, it's one of those places where you place your order first, then trot down a cafeteria line where you pay. They prepare it fresh and bring it to your table, which is nice. But then you have to go through what I call "The Eating Accessories Challenge." You got to get the napkins, your drink, the straw, forks and knives, condiments--all while dodging the other diners converging on the salad bar and the ice cream machine. Little kids dart in and out without looking, and the deli workers are pushing trash cans, carrying food, cleaning up spills--this is better than "Unbeatable Banzuke!" When I finally had all my napkins and stuff in hand, I felt like raising my arms in victory, as if I'd crossed the finish line!

Honestly, I felt like a gazelle fighting with all the other critters for a spot at the watering hole! Then it hit me. I like to go into a restaurant and get all my shit at once, thank you. I don't mind fast food occasionally, as long as I don't have to fight the mob. I'd prefer, however, to go in, be seated, have a waiter take my order and then bring me my food and take my payment. Ah, much simpler. Surely it even aids in proper digestion.

When did food become a contact sport?

I Now Pronounce You Husband and Wife...

Stay tuned, but I may have lined up my first wedding! Turns out the facilitator of those shamanic workshops was asked to do a wedding but has a conflict. So he offered it to those of us recently ordained, and so I thought, hell, why not?! I've emailed the bride-to-be last night and am just waiting for her response. Hopefully she hasn't already found someone else. I'll let ya know what happens!

I Now Pronounce You Husband and Wife...

Stay tuned, but I may have lined up my first wedding! Turns out the facilitator of those shamanic workshops was asked to do a wedding but has a conflict. So he offered it to those of us recently ordained, and so I thought, hell, why not?! I've emailed the bride-to-be last night and am just waiting for her response. Hopefully she hasn't already found someone else. I'll let ya know what happens!

"Virtuality": Did It Suck or Not?

You may have missed it last Friday, but Fox aired a groovy sci-fi show titled "Virtuality." See the video below for a clip. What hooked me what that it was created by some of the same folks behind the already-classic remake of "Battlestar Galactica."

The premise is basically Earth is in environmental collapse, and this ship and its crew are looking for an alternative home for us Earthlings. Switch it up by adding that the ship's crew is also part of a reality TV show, and every waking moment is being filmed for their millions of fans back home trying to survive tsunamis, etc. The crew breaks up the tedium of space travel and research and not knowing whether it's really day or night by fighting with each other and by escaping into their own virtuality reality--sort of like the holodeck on "Star Trek: Voyager." The only problem is, someone is screwing with their fantasies and trying to either rape or kill them!

The show played with interesting concepts of consciousness, whether anything we perceive is "real" and how humans handle that (or don't). We get a real idea of how tedious and maddening space travel might be, and what it's really like to throw 13 people into a small space for 10 years. And I thought "Big Brother" was icky!

"Virtuality" looked promising: compelling premise, interesting characters and writing and production values. It even had hunky men--like Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (pictured), previously of Fox's cancelled "New Amsterdam"--and a gay astronaut couple! Although some of the crew conflict scenes grated on my nerves, I realled wanted to find out who was tinkering with their "holodeck" and exactly where Commander Pike's apparent near-death experience would lead. But since Fox isn't picking up the show for a full series, I'll never know! The show ended with a great cliffhanger--and that's it! Did Pike really die? Had the crew been lied to about their mission?

If you saw it, I'd love to hear your opinion. It looked like an intelligent show. Meanwhile, we have "Dance Your A** Off!"

Here's what one critic had to say. Check out a video clip below.

"Virtuality": Did It Suck or Not?

You may have missed it last Friday, but Fox aired a groovy sci-fi show titled "Virtuality." See the video below for a clip. What hooked me what that it was created by some of the same folks behind the already-classic remake of "Battlestar Galactica."

The premise is basically Earth is in environmental collapse, and this ship and its crew are looking for an alternative home for us Earthlings. Switch it up by adding that the ship's crew is also part of a reality TV show, and every waking moment is being filmed for their millions of fans back home trying to survive tsunamis, etc. The crew breaks up the tedium of space travel and research and not knowing whether it's really day or night by fighting with each other and by escaping into their own virtuality reality--sort of like the holodeck on "Star Trek: Voyager." The only problem is, someone is screwing with their fantasies and trying to either rape or kill them!

The show played with interesting concepts of consciousness, whether anything we perceive is "real" and how humans handle that (or don't). We get a real idea of how tedious and maddening space travel might be, and what it's really like to throw 13 people into a small space for 10 years. And I thought "Big Brother" was icky!

"Virtuality" looked promising: compelling premise, interesting characters and writing and production values. It even had hunky men--like Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (pictured), previously of Fox's cancelled "New Amsterdam"--and a gay astronaut couple! Although some of the crew conflict scenes grated on my nerves, I realled wanted to find out who was tinkering with their "holodeck" and exactly where Commander Pike's apparent near-death experience would lead. But since Fox isn't picking up the show for a full series, I'll never know! The show ended with a great cliffhanger--and that's it! Did Pike really die? Had the crew been lied to about their mission?

If you saw it, I'd love to hear your opinion. It looked like an intelligent show. Meanwhile, we have "Dance Your A** Off!"

Here's what one critic had to say. Check out a video clip below.