This weekend brings more stuff to clean out and pack--and I hope my partner and I get to take that bike ride in the park that we discussed. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to be back soon for more regular blogging!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Henrietta Lacks Movie--and, Oh Yeah, I'm Still Alive!
If you've missed me (or maybe you haven't), I've been busy with some writing and editing projects, which is great, plus painting and cleaning up the old house in order to get it ready to sell. My partner and I have also been spending more time together. I know I haven't posted much on that lately. It's still touch-and-go, but I really want it to work out if at all possible. I'm seeing him in a brand-new way, and he's simply a great and gentle person. We still have issues to work out, and I still have my own apartment so that I can have space when needed. Once we get through a few more house chores, I think I'll have a better idea of what our future holds as a couple. Stay tuned.
A few months ago, I posted on the novel about Henrietta Lacks (pictured) and her (unwitting) contributions to modern public health. Well, Oprah is now making an HBO feature about Henrietta's life, and she's working with one of my Hollywood favorites, Alan Ball (writer for "American Beauty"). I saw the book the other day in Target and almost bought it, so maybe this merits a return trip. Unfortunately, I don't have HBO but there's always the DVD. Anyway, fascinating story about science with a personal touch.
This weekend brings more stuff to clean out and pack--and I hope my partner and I get to take that bike ride in the park that we discussed. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to be back soon for more regular blogging!
This weekend brings more stuff to clean out and pack--and I hope my partner and I get to take that bike ride in the park that we discussed. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to be back soon for more regular blogging!
Henrietta Lacks Movie--and, Oh Yeah, I'm Still Alive!
If you've missed me (or maybe you haven't), I've been busy with some writing and editing projects, which is great, plus painting and cleaning up the old house in order to get it ready to sell. My partner and I have also been spending more time together. I know I haven't posted much on that lately. It's still touch-and-go, but I really want it to work out if at all possible. I'm seeing him in a brand-new way, and he's simply a great and gentle person. We still have issues to work out, and I still have my own apartment so that I can have space when needed. Once we get through a few more house chores, I think I'll have a better idea of what our future holds as a couple. Stay tuned.
A few months ago, I posted on the novel about Henrietta Lacks (pictured) and her (unwitting) contributions to modern public health. Well, Oprah is now making an HBO feature about Henrietta's life, and she's working with one of my Hollywood favorites, Alan Ball (writer for "American Beauty"). I saw the book the other day in Target and almost bought it, so maybe this merits a return trip. Unfortunately, I don't have HBO but there's always the DVD. Anyway, fascinating story about science with a personal touch.
This weekend brings more stuff to clean out and pack--and I hope my partner and I get to take that bike ride in the park that we discussed. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to be back soon for more regular blogging!
This weekend brings more stuff to clean out and pack--and I hope my partner and I get to take that bike ride in the park that we discussed. Thanks for stopping by and I hope to be back soon for more regular blogging!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Galactic Gears in Motion
We've all "felt" things, circumstances or whatever, click into place as if they were literal pieces of a puzzle? But this is even more than that. It isn't just having a good day. It's more like making a decision and then feeling the effects of that decision trigger giant, celestial gears into turning, as if an entire apparatus is now moving based on one small action, an apparatus that formerly had been poised, still, waiting for you to act.
That's how this week has been. I sense something's changed, something's moving again. It's a little of a relief, and it's a little scary, too, because other options have now been closed off.
What the hell am I talking about? I could write forever on this, but I'm not quite ready. I will say that I've decided to reunite with my partner. There are many reasons why. Mostly I looked at what kind of person I want to be, and I realized that there are many things I can still learn from him. And, ultimately, I love him.
And that decision has set these great gears into motion.
Galactic Gears in Motion
We've all "felt" things, circumstances or whatever, click into place as if they were literal pieces of a puzzle? But this is even more than that. It isn't just having a good day. It's more like making a decision and then feeling the effects of that decision trigger giant, celestial gears into turning, as if an entire apparatus is now moving based on one small action, an apparatus that formerly had been poised, still, waiting for you to act.
That's how this week has been. I sense something's changed, something's moving again. It's a little of a relief, and it's a little scary, too, because other options have now been closed off.
What the hell am I talking about? I could write forever on this, but I'm not quite ready. I will say that I've decided to reunite with my partner. There are many reasons why. Mostly I looked at what kind of person I want to be, and I realized that there are many things I can still learn from him. And, ultimately, I love him.
And that decision has set these great gears into motion.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Divination and Romance: Give Me Some Guidance Already!
Since things with my partner are going much better, I've been leaning toward getting back together with him. Nothing's been decided yet, but I do wonder if that is the "right" decision. Of course, I also believe there really is no "right" decision; it's all in what I want most, what I want for my life. Be that as it may, I was pondering all this the other day and thought a little divination might help.
Unlike some, I don't believe divination provides specific answers. But I do think it can help us clear away the filters we put up in order to see what our deeper desires are, what our subconscious is really saying--and for whatever reason, I feel that is more honest. Still not "right" or "wrong" but simply more honest. No matter the form of divination, your question is always: "How do I feel about _______?"
So I tried a couple of types of divination, to see what answers I would get. No surprise, perhaps, but I kept getting different answers! Some would say this just proves divination is hooey--or it may simply be an indication of the indecision I'm experiencing.
Stone Casting
First I tried stone casting (a form of geomancy), using 3 stones: one multicolored, one lighter stone and one much darker stone. You hold the stones, ask the question, toss them and then get your "yes" or "no answer based on which stone--the lighter or the darker--has landed closest to the multicolored stone (also called the "teaching stone." So I did this 3 times, each time asking how I felt about getting back together with my partner. I got 1 "yes," 1 "no" and 1 "don't know," when the lighter and darker stones fell an equal distance from the teaching stone. Hmmm, ok, not very helpful!
So, the grand total was 4 "Yes," 2 "Don't Know" and 1 "No." Going back to the question--how do I feel about going back to my partner--the majority of the answers would say that I feel positively about this idea. But that doesn't really tell me how things will turn out if I do!
And therein lies my struggle. I can't know, and there isn't any way to find out. I can try divination to get a clue, or I can simply use my own limited wisdom and experience--but nothing will prevent me from taking a risk either way. It's all a gamble, always has been and always will be.
Unlike some, I don't believe divination provides specific answers. But I do think it can help us clear away the filters we put up in order to see what our deeper desires are, what our subconscious is really saying--and for whatever reason, I feel that is more honest. Still not "right" or "wrong" but simply more honest. No matter the form of divination, your question is always: "How do I feel about _______?"
So I tried a couple of types of divination, to see what answers I would get. No surprise, perhaps, but I kept getting different answers! Some would say this just proves divination is hooey--or it may simply be an indication of the indecision I'm experiencing.
First I tried stone casting (a form of geomancy), using 3 stones: one multicolored, one lighter stone and one much darker stone. You hold the stones, ask the question, toss them and then get your "yes" or "no answer based on which stone--the lighter or the darker--has landed closest to the multicolored stone (also called the "teaching stone." So I did this 3 times, each time asking how I felt about getting back together with my partner. I got 1 "yes," 1 "no" and 1 "don't know," when the lighter and darker stones fell an equal distance from the teaching stone. Hmmm, ok, not very helpful!
Picture Casting
This form also uses stones but 7 instead of 3, and they can be any color. Once the stones land (best to toss on floor for this one), you walk around the "picture" they have created in order to see it from all perspectives, all the while trying to determine if anything about the shape stands out. Does it look like something? Are the stones pointing in a specific direction? In my case, the stones fell really close together--and, I kid you not, formed a lowercase "y" shape, which I took to mean "yes!"Pendulum
I also tried the good ol' pendulum for good measure. You ask the same question, then get your answer based on the pendulum's movement--and, honestly, I always have to look. There's clockwise, counterclockwise, and up and down, but I forget now which is "yes," "no" and "don't know." Regardless, my results after 3 asks were: 2 "yes" and 1 "don't know."Tarot
Well, I couldn't go without drawing a tarot card, now could I? After shuffling my deck and asking my question, I drew the Five of Cups. Now, the 5 of any suite is positive, regardless of whether it's upside down or not. However, the Five of Cups has to do with disappointment and loss. It could be that you are saying goodbye to someone or something; it could also mean you are simply longing to be reunited; or it may be acknowledging mistakes--none of which are answers per se. 
And therein lies my struggle. I can't know, and there isn't any way to find out. I can try divination to get a clue, or I can simply use my own limited wisdom and experience--but nothing will prevent me from taking a risk either way. It's all a gamble, always has been and always will be.
Divination and Romance: Give Me Some Guidance Already!
Since things with my partner are going much better, I've been leaning toward getting back together with him. Nothing's been decided yet, but I do wonder if that is the "right" decision. Of course, I also believe there really is no "right" decision; it's all in what I want most, what I want for my life. Be that as it may, I was pondering all this the other day and thought a little divination might help.
Unlike some, I don't believe divination provides specific answers. But I do think it can help us clear away the filters we put up in order to see what our deeper desires are, what our subconscious is really saying--and for whatever reason, I feel that is more honest. Still not "right" or "wrong" but simply more honest. No matter the form of divination, your question is always: "How do I feel about _______?"
So I tried a couple of types of divination, to see what answers I would get. No surprise, perhaps, but I kept getting different answers! Some would say this just proves divination is hooey--or it may simply be an indication of the indecision I'm experiencing.
Stone Casting
First I tried stone casting (a form of geomancy), using 3 stones: one multicolored, one lighter stone and one much darker stone. You hold the stones, ask the question, toss them and then get your "yes" or "no answer based on which stone--the lighter or the darker--has landed closest to the multicolored stone (also called the "teaching stone." So I did this 3 times, each time asking how I felt about getting back together with my partner. I got 1 "yes," 1 "no" and 1 "don't know," when the lighter and darker stones fell an equal distance from the teaching stone. Hmmm, ok, not very helpful!
So, the grand total was 4 "Yes," 2 "Don't Know" and 1 "No." Going back to the question--how do I feel about going back to my partner--the majority of the answers would say that I feel positively about this idea. But that doesn't really tell me how things will turn out if I do!
And therein lies my struggle. I can't know, and there isn't any way to find out. I can try divination to get a clue, or I can simply use my own limited wisdom and experience--but nothing will prevent me from taking a risk either way. It's all a gamble, always has been and always will be.
Unlike some, I don't believe divination provides specific answers. But I do think it can help us clear away the filters we put up in order to see what our deeper desires are, what our subconscious is really saying--and for whatever reason, I feel that is more honest. Still not "right" or "wrong" but simply more honest. No matter the form of divination, your question is always: "How do I feel about _______?"
So I tried a couple of types of divination, to see what answers I would get. No surprise, perhaps, but I kept getting different answers! Some would say this just proves divination is hooey--or it may simply be an indication of the indecision I'm experiencing.
First I tried stone casting (a form of geomancy), using 3 stones: one multicolored, one lighter stone and one much darker stone. You hold the stones, ask the question, toss them and then get your "yes" or "no answer based on which stone--the lighter or the darker--has landed closest to the multicolored stone (also called the "teaching stone." So I did this 3 times, each time asking how I felt about getting back together with my partner. I got 1 "yes," 1 "no" and 1 "don't know," when the lighter and darker stones fell an equal distance from the teaching stone. Hmmm, ok, not very helpful!
Picture Casting
This form also uses stones but 7 instead of 3, and they can be any color. Once the stones land (best to toss on floor for this one), you walk around the "picture" they have created in order to see it from all perspectives, all the while trying to determine if anything about the shape stands out. Does it look like something? Are the stones pointing in a specific direction? In my case, the stones fell really close together--and, I kid you not, formed a lowercase "y" shape, which I took to mean "yes!"Pendulum
I also tried the good ol' pendulum for good measure. You ask the same question, then get your answer based on the pendulum's movement--and, honestly, I always have to look. There's clockwise, counterclockwise, and up and down, but I forget now which is "yes," "no" and "don't know." Regardless, my results after 3 asks were: 2 "yes" and 1 "don't know."Tarot
Well, I couldn't go without drawing a tarot card, now could I? After shuffling my deck and asking my question, I drew the Five of Cups. Now, the 5 of any suite is positive, regardless of whether it's upside down or not. However, the Five of Cups has to do with disappointment and loss. It could be that you are saying goodbye to someone or something; it could also mean you are simply longing to be reunited; or it may be acknowledging mistakes--none of which are answers per se. And therein lies my struggle. I can't know, and there isn't any way to find out. I can try divination to get a clue, or I can simply use my own limited wisdom and experience--but nothing will prevent me from taking a risk either way. It's all a gamble, always has been and always will be.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Can You Ever Go Home Again?
Maybe that's a cliche title, but it's where my head is right now. Things with my partner are going well, actually, and we're preparing to sell the house (painting, etc). Over the weekend, we took a walk through the old Grove, down the trail a ways and to the creek. We went as far as a footbridge before turning around. The walk was nice--but what stuck with me were my emotions about the land itself.
If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.
So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.
My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.
If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.
So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.
My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.
Can You Ever Go Home Again?
Maybe that's a cliche title, but it's where my head is right now. Things with my partner are going well, actually, and we're preparing to sell the house (painting, etc). Over the weekend, we took a walk through the old Grove, down the trail a ways and to the creek. We went as far as a footbridge before turning around. The walk was nice--but what stuck with me were my emotions about the land itself.
If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.
So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.
My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.
If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.
So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.
My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Ministry, Maintenance and Makeovers
In case you haven't noticed, I haven't posted much lately. It's all too tedious to go into, but I have been busy with other things.
Rev. Riverwolf hasn't officiated at any other weddings, but I did perform a house blessing a few days before Christmas. It went really well, the family was super-nice, and we ended with homemade chilli and champagne! I am so enjoying this ritual work, and it's becoming a wonderful source of joy in my life.
At home, I've set up what you might call altars, although I don't like that word since I'm not worshipping anything. They're more like photos really, representing the 4 elements and 4 cardinal directions. I need to add a few more touches for South/Fire and North/Air, but they're helpful daily reminders of my connections to the natural world and my place in it. Also did some organizing of my space where I keep all my ritual tools and objects. It feels much more energized now--and I really need some sort of name for it, like "chapel," or "temple"--something like that, but it needs to be more intimate and personal. I'm sure there's a word for it out there. Any suggestions? I'm also reading and researching.
On the relationship front, things are improving with my partner. He's made some changes, and I'm making some myself. We're both nicer to each other, we're listening and communicating--and I think I have hope this might work out. Part of me worries it might still be too late, but I guess we'll see. No rush.
Otherwise, trying to see movies and friends, and work is work, blah, blah. Thanks for indulging me!
Rev. Riverwolf hasn't officiated at any other weddings, but I did perform a house blessing a few days before Christmas. It went really well, the family was super-nice, and we ended with homemade chilli and champagne! I am so enjoying this ritual work, and it's becoming a wonderful source of joy in my life.
At home, I've set up what you might call altars, although I don't like that word since I'm not worshipping anything. They're more like photos really, representing the 4 elements and 4 cardinal directions. I need to add a few more touches for South/Fire and North/Air, but they're helpful daily reminders of my connections to the natural world and my place in it. Also did some organizing of my space where I keep all my ritual tools and objects. It feels much more energized now--and I really need some sort of name for it, like "chapel," or "temple"--something like that, but it needs to be more intimate and personal. I'm sure there's a word for it out there. Any suggestions? I'm also reading and researching.
On the relationship front, things are improving with my partner. He's made some changes, and I'm making some myself. We're both nicer to each other, we're listening and communicating--and I think I have hope this might work out. Part of me worries it might still be too late, but I guess we'll see. No rush.
Otherwise, trying to see movies and friends, and work is work, blah, blah. Thanks for indulging me!
Ministry, Maintenance and Makeovers
In case you haven't noticed, I haven't posted much lately. It's all too tedious to go into, but I have been busy with other things.
Rev. Riverwolf hasn't officiated at any other weddings, but I did perform a house blessing a few days before Christmas. It went really well, the family was super-nice, and we ended with homemade chilli and champagne! I am so enjoying this ritual work, and it's becoming a wonderful source of joy in my life.
At home, I've set up what you might call altars, although I don't like that word since I'm not worshipping anything. They're more like photos really, representing the 4 elements and 4 cardinal directions. I need to add a few more touches for South/Fire and North/Air, but they're helpful daily reminders of my connections to the natural world and my place in it. Also did some organizing of my space where I keep all my ritual tools and objects. It feels much more energized now--and I really need some sort of name for it, like "chapel," or "temple"--something like that, but it needs to be more intimate and personal. I'm sure there's a word for it out there. Any suggestions? I'm also reading and researching.
On the relationship front, things are improving with my partner. He's made some changes, and I'm making some myself. We're both nicer to each other, we're listening and communicating--and I think I have hope this might work out. Part of me worries it might still be too late, but I guess we'll see. No rush.
Otherwise, trying to see movies and friends, and work is work, blah, blah. Thanks for indulging me!
Rev. Riverwolf hasn't officiated at any other weddings, but I did perform a house blessing a few days before Christmas. It went really well, the family was super-nice, and we ended with homemade chilli and champagne! I am so enjoying this ritual work, and it's becoming a wonderful source of joy in my life.
At home, I've set up what you might call altars, although I don't like that word since I'm not worshipping anything. They're more like photos really, representing the 4 elements and 4 cardinal directions. I need to add a few more touches for South/Fire and North/Air, but they're helpful daily reminders of my connections to the natural world and my place in it. Also did some organizing of my space where I keep all my ritual tools and objects. It feels much more energized now--and I really need some sort of name for it, like "chapel," or "temple"--something like that, but it needs to be more intimate and personal. I'm sure there's a word for it out there. Any suggestions? I'm also reading and researching.
On the relationship front, things are improving with my partner. He's made some changes, and I'm making some myself. We're both nicer to each other, we're listening and communicating--and I think I have hope this might work out. Part of me worries it might still be too late, but I guess we'll see. No rush.
Otherwise, trying to see movies and friends, and work is work, blah, blah. Thanks for indulging me!
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Hump Day Humdrums
Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).
Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:
1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.
2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.
3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.
4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.
I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?
So, how was your day?
Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:
1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.
2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.
3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.
4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.
I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?
So, how was your day?
Hump Day Humdrums
Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).
Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:
1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.
2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.
3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.
4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.
I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?
So, how was your day?
Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:
1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.
2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.
3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.
4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.
I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?
So, how was your day?
Thursday, November 12, 2009
All this "New Age" Stuff Isn't Just Hooey--That, or my Therapist Is Bribing Someone
Healthy skepticism is always good--but sometimes you just gotta believe! Feeling low and needing clarity, I decided to book an appointment to have my chakras balanced. The idea is that your personal energy centers can get out of whack, revealing areas you need to work on. A perfect balance is the ideal, but you gotta work on it to get there. I may be skeptical but I figure if it helps in some way, what's the harm?
Well, I'm a believer now. Yesterday I was lying on the table with 2 people working on my chakras, thinking "this is silly." Afterwards, however, I was surprised when they nailed all my little idiosyncracies right on their pointy little heads! Mainly, they said my throat chakra was completely blocked and they couldn't open it! Traditionally, that chakra connects to your creativity, your intuition and your ability to "speak your truth"--all areas I seriously need help with.
Earlier that day, I had lunch with friends, and we had discussed this very challenge, of how difficult it is for me to communicate truthfully, to say what I want and so on. After my chakra balancing, that truth sank in a little deeper. It reminded me of the insight I had over a year ago when I was seeing a therapist to help with various issues. That insight was that I'm trying to find my own voice--and I sorely need to do so in order to be happy.
Then today, my partner and I go for our joint counseling session (different therapist). It's only my 2nd time seeing this woman and she tells me plainly that my main challenge/barrier is to not back down in voicing my own opinions and in expressing my own needs and requirements. Um, throat chakra, anyone?
Ok, universe, I get the message!
Well, I'm a believer now. Yesterday I was lying on the table with 2 people working on my chakras, thinking "this is silly." Afterwards, however, I was surprised when they nailed all my little idiosyncracies right on their pointy little heads! Mainly, they said my throat chakra was completely blocked and they couldn't open it! Traditionally, that chakra connects to your creativity, your intuition and your ability to "speak your truth"--all areas I seriously need help with.
Earlier that day, I had lunch with friends, and we had discussed this very challenge, of how difficult it is for me to communicate truthfully, to say what I want and so on. After my chakra balancing, that truth sank in a little deeper. It reminded me of the insight I had over a year ago when I was seeing a therapist to help with various issues. That insight was that I'm trying to find my own voice--and I sorely need to do so in order to be happy.
Then today, my partner and I go for our joint counseling session (different therapist). It's only my 2nd time seeing this woman and she tells me plainly that my main challenge/barrier is to not back down in voicing my own opinions and in expressing my own needs and requirements. Um, throat chakra, anyone?
All this "New Age" Stuff Isn't Just Hooey--That, or my Therapist Is Bribing Someone
Healthy skepticism is always good--but sometimes you just gotta believe! Feeling low and needing clarity, I decided to book an appointment to have my chakras balanced. The idea is that your personal energy centers can get out of whack, revealing areas you need to work on. A perfect balance is the ideal, but you gotta work on it to get there. I may be skeptical but I figure if it helps in some way, what's the harm?
Well, I'm a believer now. Yesterday I was lying on the table with 2 people working on my chakras, thinking "this is silly." Afterwards, however, I was surprised when they nailed all my little idiosyncracies right on their pointy little heads! Mainly, they said my throat chakra was completely blocked and they couldn't open it! Traditionally, that chakra connects to your creativity, your intuition and your ability to "speak your truth"--all areas I seriously need help with.
Earlier that day, I had lunch with friends, and we had discussed this very challenge, of how difficult it is for me to communicate truthfully, to say what I want and so on. After my chakra balancing, that truth sank in a little deeper. It reminded me of the insight I had over a year ago when I was seeing a therapist to help with various issues. That insight was that I'm trying to find my own voice--and I sorely need to do so in order to be happy.
Then today, my partner and I go for our joint counseling session (different therapist). It's only my 2nd time seeing this woman and she tells me plainly that my main challenge/barrier is to not back down in voicing my own opinions and in expressing my own needs and requirements. Um, throat chakra, anyone?
Ok, universe, I get the message!
Well, I'm a believer now. Yesterday I was lying on the table with 2 people working on my chakras, thinking "this is silly." Afterwards, however, I was surprised when they nailed all my little idiosyncracies right on their pointy little heads! Mainly, they said my throat chakra was completely blocked and they couldn't open it! Traditionally, that chakra connects to your creativity, your intuition and your ability to "speak your truth"--all areas I seriously need help with.
Earlier that day, I had lunch with friends, and we had discussed this very challenge, of how difficult it is for me to communicate truthfully, to say what I want and so on. After my chakra balancing, that truth sank in a little deeper. It reminded me of the insight I had over a year ago when I was seeing a therapist to help with various issues. That insight was that I'm trying to find my own voice--and I sorely need to do so in order to be happy.
Then today, my partner and I go for our joint counseling session (different therapist). It's only my 2nd time seeing this woman and she tells me plainly that my main challenge/barrier is to not back down in voicing my own opinions and in expressing my own needs and requirements. Um, throat chakra, anyone?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Reflections on a Simple Alban Elfed
No surprise, I really didn't want to conduct any kind of ritual for the equinox/Mabon, or Alban Elfed in the Celtic tradition. But I needed to do it for my spiritual health. It's been very difficult lately for me to keep up my spiritual practices. I guess I just feel a little empty at the moment. But now's the time when it's most important, of course. I need to maintain that connection to the natural world, to the everyday changes that occur around us. It helps me to remember that change is part of our lives. Things begin and things end. Nature teaches us that nothing can ever remain the same.
My ritual today was simple, and I didn't even take a photo to share. Just a single candle and me seated on the floor. I did add a bowl of water to symbolize emotions and relationships (oh how they do change!).
Balance
As I meditated on the balance of dark and light on the equinox, I began to wonder: Is balance in anything really possible? The equinox itself is only a passing moment, and then the days grow darker, only to come into balance again in the spring; but that lasts only a moment as well. So much is written and said about maintaining balance in our lives, but it's ever elusive. Just when you think you have it, it's gone. And off you go again in search of balance. Maybe it's overrated!!
Change
As the seasons change, we have an opportunity to reflect on change in our lives. Obviously, I've been through a big change recently after leaving my partner. But where do we go from here? Even though I've moved out, I still talk to him: I have mail to collect, personal items still in the house, and we need to paint the bathrooms in preparation to put the house up for sale. Most perplexing, he's actually beginning to show more affection and treat me as I had wanted to be treated all along. And as far as I know, he's stopped drinking altogether. Maybe there's a chance yet. But the lesson is that things have changed, regardless of whether we remain apart or get back together. If we do reconcile, the dynamic of our relationship and our expectations will have to evolve--otherwise, we'll be operating from a perspective that has already shifted out from under us.Harvest
It's also a time to reflect on what the seeds we've planted in our lives have produced. I'm disappointed that some of my writing projects and goals haven't been met, but then I did get ordained as an interfaith minister this year--and I have 2 weddings planned for October. That's been a wonderful surprise!I don't know if any of you out there might also be dreading the approach of winter, too. But my ritual reminded me that even winter will pass eventually. We cannot stop any of it, not the change in seasons nor changes in our personal lives. I say this to myself as much as to anyone else who is reading: Hang on. Relax. This, too, shall pass in time.
Reflections on a Simple Alban Elfed
No surprise, I really didn't want to conduct any kind of ritual for the equinox/Mabon, or Alban Elfed in the Celtic tradition. But I needed to do it for my spiritual health. It's been very difficult lately for me to keep up my spiritual practices. I guess I just feel a little empty at the moment. But now's the time when it's most important, of course. I need to maintain that connection to the natural world, to the everyday changes that occur around us. It helps me to remember that change is part of our lives. Things begin and things end. Nature teaches us that nothing can ever remain the same.
My ritual today was simple, and I didn't even take a photo to share. Just a single candle and me seated on the floor. I did add a bowl of water to symbolize emotions and relationships (oh how they do change!).
Balance
As I meditated on the balance of dark and light on the equinox, I began to wonder: Is balance in anything really possible? The equinox itself is only a passing moment, and then the days grow darker, only to come into balance again in the spring; but that lasts only a moment as well. So much is written and said about maintaining balance in our lives, but it's ever elusive. Just when you think you have it, it's gone. And off you go again in search of balance. Maybe it's overrated!!
Change
As the seasons change, we have an opportunity to reflect on change in our lives. Obviously, I've been through a big change recently after leaving my partner. But where do we go from here? Even though I've moved out, I still talk to him: I have mail to collect, personal items still in the house, and we need to paint the bathrooms in preparation to put the house up for sale. Most perplexing, he's actually beginning to show more affection and treat me as I had wanted to be treated all along. And as far as I know, he's stopped drinking altogether. Maybe there's a chance yet. But the lesson is that things have changed, regardless of whether we remain apart or get back together. If we do reconcile, the dynamic of our relationship and our expectations will have to evolve--otherwise, we'll be operating from a perspective that has already shifted out from under us.Harvest
It's also a time to reflect on what the seeds we've planted in our lives have produced. I'm disappointed that some of my writing projects and goals haven't been met, but then I did get ordained as an interfaith minister this year--and I have 2 weddings planned for October. That's been a wonderful surprise!I don't know if any of you out there might also be dreading the approach of winter, too. But my ritual reminded me that even winter will pass eventually. We cannot stop any of it, not the change in seasons nor changes in our personal lives. I say this to myself as much as to anyone else who is reading: Hang on. Relax. This, too, shall pass in time.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Is It Friday Yet?
I'm actually at my office job and having a bitch of a time coming up with a headline for an article--so, screw it, I'm blogging!
First, my weekend in Cherokee, NC, was ... well, many things. I saw clouds embrace the mountaintops and dipped my hands in the cold, rushing mountain streams. It was also fun, and I learned a lot. Parts were insightful and inspiring as well as horribly dull and irritating. Frightening, too. What do I mean by that? Imagine looking into the coal-black eyes of a modern Cherokee medicine man and feeling the tender underbelly of your soul laid bare. More on that!
When I returned home yesterday, I was surprised by yet MORE roses from my partner! I could get used to this...
Last, I've decided to try an little experiment--I'm going without a TV! Now that I've moved, I really can't afford the kind of TV I'd like. Sure, I can buy a fairly cheap one, but it got me to thinking. Why do I even really need one? Most shows you can now view online, and frankly, it would be nice to do without the distraction. Seriously, who says we need a TV? Nothing wrong with it, per se, but it's that cultural expectation that you must have the biggest screen around, watch all the shows ('cause the advertisers want your $$) and then talk about it with your friends. It's all fine--unless it takes over your life, which is exactly what TV tends to do. So, wish me luck and maybe I'll blog about my progress.
Ok, now back to that damned headline...
First, my weekend in Cherokee, NC, was ... well, many things. I saw clouds embrace the mountaintops and dipped my hands in the cold, rushing mountain streams. It was also fun, and I learned a lot. Parts were insightful and inspiring as well as horribly dull and irritating. Frightening, too. What do I mean by that? Imagine looking into the coal-black eyes of a modern Cherokee medicine man and feeling the tender underbelly of your soul laid bare. More on that!
When I returned home yesterday, I was surprised by yet MORE roses from my partner! I could get used to this...
Last, I've decided to try an little experiment--I'm going without a TV! Now that I've moved, I really can't afford the kind of TV I'd like. Sure, I can buy a fairly cheap one, but it got me to thinking. Why do I even really need one? Most shows you can now view online, and frankly, it would be nice to do without the distraction. Seriously, who says we need a TV? Nothing wrong with it, per se, but it's that cultural expectation that you must have the biggest screen around, watch all the shows ('cause the advertisers want your $$) and then talk about it with your friends. It's all fine--unless it takes over your life, which is exactly what TV tends to do. So, wish me luck and maybe I'll blog about my progress.
Ok, now back to that damned headline...
Is It Friday Yet?
I'm actually at my office job and having a bitch of a time coming up with a headline for an article--so, screw it, I'm blogging!
First, my weekend in Cherokee, NC, was ... well, many things. I saw clouds embrace the mountaintops and dipped my hands in the cold, rushing mountain streams. It was also fun, and I learned a lot. Parts were insightful and inspiring as well as horribly dull and irritating. Frightening, too. What do I mean by that? Imagine looking into the coal-black eyes of a modern Cherokee medicine man and feeling the tender underbelly of your soul laid bare. More on that!
When I returned home yesterday, I was surprised by yet MORE roses from my partner! I could get used to this...
Last, I've decided to try an little experiment--I'm going without a TV! Now that I've moved, I really can't afford the kind of TV I'd like. Sure, I can buy a fairly cheap one, but it got me to thinking. Why do I even really need one? Most shows you can now view online, and frankly, it would be nice to do without the distraction. Seriously, who says we need a TV? Nothing wrong with it, per se, but it's that cultural expectation that you must have the biggest screen around, watch all the shows ('cause the advertisers want your $$) and then talk about it with your friends. It's all fine--unless it takes over your life, which is exactly what TV tends to do. So, wish me luck and maybe I'll blog about my progress.
Ok, now back to that damned headline...
First, my weekend in Cherokee, NC, was ... well, many things. I saw clouds embrace the mountaintops and dipped my hands in the cold, rushing mountain streams. It was also fun, and I learned a lot. Parts were insightful and inspiring as well as horribly dull and irritating. Frightening, too. What do I mean by that? Imagine looking into the coal-black eyes of a modern Cherokee medicine man and feeling the tender underbelly of your soul laid bare. More on that!
When I returned home yesterday, I was surprised by yet MORE roses from my partner! I could get used to this...
Last, I've decided to try an little experiment--I'm going without a TV! Now that I've moved, I really can't afford the kind of TV I'd like. Sure, I can buy a fairly cheap one, but it got me to thinking. Why do I even really need one? Most shows you can now view online, and frankly, it would be nice to do without the distraction. Seriously, who says we need a TV? Nothing wrong with it, per se, but it's that cultural expectation that you must have the biggest screen around, watch all the shows ('cause the advertisers want your $$) and then talk about it with your friends. It's all fine--unless it takes over your life, which is exactly what TV tends to do. So, wish me luck and maybe I'll blog about my progress.
Ok, now back to that damned headline...
Friday, September 11, 2009
Perfectly Perfect Moi Had a Perfectly Tragic Meltdown
But I'm still here, obviously! I guess I set myself up for it in a way. This past weekend was great, very relaxing, and I remember starting work on Tuesday all fired up and energized to accomplish lots and conquer the world. Alas, the world conquered me! By the time I went to sleep Tuesday night, I was a tearful mess--and it's partly my own fault. I was simply overwhelmed with the things I've taken on workwise, together with my high expectations of myself and the convergence of having more financial demands than ever before.
Add to that some of the reasons why I left my partner. I've imagined a life where I have time to pursue all these interests of mine. Other people do this, right? Yet somehow I still can't find the time, and I was pissed off. My home office is still unpacked, but truth be told, I cannot take on anything else. And that realization is what pissed me off. Then I felt guilty, guilty for blaming some of my discontent on my partner. And maybe I'm "just a girl who can't say no!" (Sorry, wasn't that from "Oklahoma!?") He always said I try and take on too much. Oh, I'm very focused--there just aren't enough hours in the day to hold that focus! So ok, where does that leave me? How do I find contentment?
So that's how I started Wednesday off, feeling sorry for myself BIG time. Worrying over the choices I've made, worrying over money and just about everything you can imagine. Then I lost a favorite ring of mine, and my watch band began to fall apart. Plus, my betta fish is all stressed out for some reason, and his fins are ragged and he's very listless. (It's not fin rot because I've used an antibiotic and the 6 other fish in the aquarium are fine. ) Maybe I'm crazy, but the betta was my partner's favorite fish and I think he's suffering separation anxiety! Then I found myself at an aerobic exercise class completely unable to keep up the tempo or the steps, and totally feeling like Grampy Riverwolf. It seems so silly now, but I was ready to just drive off a cliff. It felt like I couldn't do anything "right."
And there's my problem. Once again, I'm trying to be perfect: the perfectly appointed apartment, the perfectly stellar career, the perfectly executed aerobics routine--and so on. This realization hit me while reading another blog the next morning, after I somehow talked myself down from the ledge. After all, suicide isn't a joke--but I'm not kidding, I was looking down that road, and although the exit sign was far off in the distance, I could still see it. Know what I mean?
Honestly though, I take myself WAY too seriously. As usual, I'm trying to control everything and avoid mistakes, whatever those might be. This is how people spiral out of control. Happens all the time. Well, I think I'm finally getting it. Now if I can just avoid the trap of trying to "perfectly" apply this lesson!
Perfectly Perfect Moi Had a Perfectly Tragic Meltdown
But I'm still here, obviously! I guess I set myself up for it in a way. This past weekend was great, very relaxing, and I remember starting work on Tuesday all fired up and energized to accomplish lots and conquer the world. Alas, the world conquered me! By the time I went to sleep Tuesday night, I was a tearful mess--and it's partly my own fault. I was simply overwhelmed with the things I've taken on workwise, together with my high expectations of myself and the convergence of having more financial demands than ever before.
Add to that some of the reasons why I left my partner. I've imagined a life where I have time to pursue all these interests of mine. Other people do this, right? Yet somehow I still can't find the time, and I was pissed off. My home office is still unpacked, but truth be told, I cannot take on anything else. And that realization is what pissed me off. Then I felt guilty, guilty for blaming some of my discontent on my partner. And maybe I'm "just a girl who can't say no!" (Sorry, wasn't that from "Oklahoma!?") He always said I try and take on too much. Oh, I'm very focused--there just aren't enough hours in the day to hold that focus! So ok, where does that leave me? How do I find contentment?
So that's how I started Wednesday off, feeling sorry for myself BIG time. Worrying over the choices I've made, worrying over money and just about everything you can imagine. Then I lost a favorite ring of mine, and my watch band began to fall apart. Plus, my betta fish is all stressed out for some reason, and his fins are ragged and he's very listless. (It's not fin rot because I've used an antibiotic and the 6 other fish in the aquarium are fine. ) Maybe I'm crazy, but the betta was my partner's favorite fish and I think he's suffering separation anxiety! Then I found myself at an aerobic exercise class completely unable to keep up the tempo or the steps, and totally feeling like Grampy Riverwolf. It seems so silly now, but I was ready to just drive off a cliff. It felt like I couldn't do anything "right."
And there's my problem. Once again, I'm trying to be perfect: the perfectly appointed apartment, the perfectly stellar career, the perfectly executed aerobics routine--and so on. This realization hit me while reading another blog the next morning, after I somehow talked myself down from the ledge. After all, suicide isn't a joke--but I'm not kidding, I was looking down that road, and although the exit sign was far off in the distance, I could still see it. Know what I mean?
Honestly though, I take myself WAY too seriously. As usual, I'm trying to control everything and avoid mistakes, whatever those might be. This is how people spiral out of control. Happens all the time. Well, I think I'm finally getting it. Now if I can just avoid the trap of trying to "perfectly" apply this lesson!
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