All this "New Age" Stuff Isn't Just Hooey--That, or my Therapist Is Bribing Someone

Healthy skepticism is always good--but sometimes you just gotta believe! Feeling low and needing clarity, I decided to book an appointment to have my chakras balanced. The idea is that your personal energy centers can get out of whack, revealing areas you need to work on. A perfect balance is the ideal, but you gotta work on it to get there. I may be skeptical but I figure if it helps in some way, what's the harm?

Well, I'm a believer now. Yesterday I was lying on the table with 2 people working on my chakras, thinking "this is silly." Afterwards, however, I was surprised when they nailed all my little idiosyncracies right on their pointy little heads! Mainly, they said my throat chakra was completely blocked and they couldn't open it! Traditionally, that chakra connects to your creativity, your intuition and your ability to "speak your truth"--all areas I seriously need help with.

Earlier that day, I had lunch with friends, and we had discussed this very challenge, of how difficult it is for me to communicate truthfully, to say what I want and so on. After my chakra balancing, that truth sank in a little deeper. It reminded me of the insight I had over a year ago when I was seeing a therapist to help with various issues. That insight was that I'm trying to find my own voice--and I sorely need to do so in order to be happy.

Then today, my partner and I go for our joint counseling session (different therapist). It's only my 2nd time seeing this woman and she tells me plainly that my main challenge/barrier is to not back down in voicing my own opinions and in expressing my own needs and requirements. Um, throat chakra, anyone?

Ok, universe, I get the message!

All this "New Age" Stuff Isn't Just Hooey--That, or my Therapist Is Bribing Someone

Healthy skepticism is always good--but sometimes you just gotta believe! Feeling low and needing clarity, I decided to book an appointment to have my chakras balanced. The idea is that your personal energy centers can get out of whack, revealing areas you need to work on. A perfect balance is the ideal, but you gotta work on it to get there. I may be skeptical but I figure if it helps in some way, what's the harm?

Well, I'm a believer now. Yesterday I was lying on the table with 2 people working on my chakras, thinking "this is silly." Afterwards, however, I was surprised when they nailed all my little idiosyncracies right on their pointy little heads! Mainly, they said my throat chakra was completely blocked and they couldn't open it! Traditionally, that chakra connects to your creativity, your intuition and your ability to "speak your truth"--all areas I seriously need help with.

Earlier that day, I had lunch with friends, and we had discussed this very challenge, of how difficult it is for me to communicate truthfully, to say what I want and so on. After my chakra balancing, that truth sank in a little deeper. It reminded me of the insight I had over a year ago when I was seeing a therapist to help with various issues. That insight was that I'm trying to find my own voice--and I sorely need to do so in order to be happy.

Then today, my partner and I go for our joint counseling session (different therapist). It's only my 2nd time seeing this woman and she tells me plainly that my main challenge/barrier is to not back down in voicing my own opinions and in expressing my own needs and requirements. Um, throat chakra, anyone?

Ok, universe, I get the message!

Full Disclosure and My Recent Experience with Al-Anon

I don't like to write very long posts, but a warning, this one may be a doozy. Gotta lot to say today, so if you stick with me, there's a special place in heaven, nirvanna, valhalla or wherever, just for you.

Full disclosure: My partner is an alcoholic. I may have mentioned his "drinking problem" at some point, and I was going to be all organized and review my previous posts--but I ain't got time for all that. The odd part is that I think I've been in denial for some time. It's odd because this situation has gradually worsened over years and years, so slowly that I didn't even notice. Until now, when I'm left wondering how in the hell did I end up where I am. It's like that frog-in-boiling-water metaphor: Put a frog in a pot of water and gradually turn up the heat, and he'll never think to jump out, even when it's too late. Yep, call me froggy.

It doesn't help that my partner also had a stroke recently, so the fun part is that you really can't tell between "drunk" and "oh, he's having a stroke." But the stroke did bring out the alcoholism into full view. Of course, true to the signs of an alcoholic, my partner denies that he is one. It's always me overreacting and nagging and being a drag. This is why I began going to counseling a year ago, and it helped me get a better, truer perspective on what is really going on.

We also attended couples' counseling briefly, and it helped for a while. But he's already broken any promises he made to me about curtailing his drinking. There have been a few crazy moments in which he drank so much that he didn't know where he was; he would stumble into walls and door jambs, and completely forget what had happened during his drinking spell. Add to this all the medications he's on, and it's just suicidal. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. We had had a nice evening--until I realized how drunk he was. I lost it. Screaming, crying and so on. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. When he eventually came to bed, he couldn't find the bathroom but did manage to run into a wall or two. So I decided--after much deep breathing--that I would tell him in the morning, when he was sober, that it was over. I didn't want to live like this. I love him and he is a good person, but I can't handle the drinking. It's pulling me under.

So I did it. I told him it was over. And maybe this next part was a mistake, but I then told him that the only way I would stay is if he gave up alcohol completely and got some help. He didn't say much, and I moved into the extra bedroom. A day or so later, the liquor (but not the beer or wine) in the house was gone, and we talked. He sorta admitted he had a problem. He also talked to a relative about the situation, and she basically told him he did need help. So I thought, well, if he's going to try, let's see where this goes. I decided to give him one more chance, and I told him not to make me regret it.

Well, I think it's just a matter of time before we're really over. He's drinking beer or wine with the justification that he doesn't drink as much of that as he would of liquor. Oddly, I've become quite detached from the situation. I've said very little, no fights, no anger--just observing to see what will happen, what he will do. I worried over going to a fundraising gala recently because they would have an open bar. Yes, he drank too much; it wasn't unbearable, but it's obvious to everyone but himself that he's an alcoholic. But the evening wasn't so bad that it caused me to leave.

Now I think I see withdrawal symptoms setting in. He's become short and snippy with me over nothing, and his trademark sense of humor--the main reason I love him so--has all but disappeared. For whatever reasons, he's a very unhappy man. So tonight we're attending a friend's birthday party at a local restaurant, and I'm curious to see what will happen. Will he drink himself into a stupor? I'm not going to stop him if he does. I don't want it to happen, but I'm through trying to intervene and "save" him.

Which brings me to Al-Anon. If you don't know, it's a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics, based on the same 12-step philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our counselor suggested I go, and I resisted at first. I felt like I had done all I had the energy to do, and I wasn't going to add one more thing to my schedule because of "his problem." Maybe that isn't "loving," but there you go. But after the most recent escapade, I decided to go out of desperation. After all, I had finally realized he could not control the drinking. I had finally realized this was going to destroy our relationship. If nothing else, at least maybe I could find some support for what I needed to do next.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting 2 weeks ago. On the positive side, it was encouraging to hear others' experiences and to realize that I'm not just imagining these problems and situations. It was also encouraging to hear them talk about this detachment that I mentioned. Al-Anon stresses allowing the alcoholic to do what they will--as long as you are safe--and suffer whatever consequences arise. The mantra goes: "I didn't cause this. I can't control it. And I can't cure it." All that said, each of us must accept responsibility for our own actions and be prepared for difficult choices.

On the negative side, Al-Anon seems a little cultish. I didn't expect that all the talk about "my higher power" or "God" would make my skin crawl. Sure, I know it's helpful for so many, and I can try to look past the language in order to get the benefits, but it still unnerves me. Maybe that just means that I have finally jettisoned the remnants of my former Christian belief. But there's so much "groupspeak" that I'm wondering if some of these people aren't unstable themselves. They talk about their "own insanity." Sure, we all have issues, but it's arrogant and condescending to equate relationship challenges with real, true mental illness. Yes, I have been in denial about my partner's alcoholism for so long, but I'm hardly insane. Maybe I'm misinformed, but to me "insane" is someone who takes a semi-automatic weapon and shoots up a shopping mall. Maybe a minor quibble.

But it's almost like some of these people now get their identity by being "in love with an alcoholic." It consumes their life, and it seems to me they're not really living out Al-Anon principles. Maybe they're choosing to stay with their loved one. And some have children or parents, I realize, and it's not so easy to let them go. Maybe this is just my path, but now that I see what's really going on, I'm taking the approach "no more excuses!"

Today was my 2nd Al-Anon visit. Very helpful. We again talked about loving detachment, what it is and what it isn't. That helps. But I'm not buying all their recommendations--attending every meeting, working the 12 steps myself and all that. I'm sure they would say that's part of my problem. Hmmm, isn't that what cults say? It reminds me of when, ages ago, I almost was swallowed alive by the beast that is Amway. It's totally a cult--trust me!

I digress. So tonight will be interesting. Will he drink too much and where will that lead? What will my reaction be? Oh yeah, and tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now this is "real" reality TV! Stay tuned.

Full Disclosure and My Recent Experience with Al-Anon

I don't like to write very long posts, but a warning, this one may be a doozy. Gotta lot to say today, so if you stick with me, there's a special place in heaven, nirvanna, valhalla or wherever, just for you.

Full disclosure: My partner is an alcoholic. I may have mentioned his "drinking problem" at some point, and I was going to be all organized and review my previous posts--but I ain't got time for all that. The odd part is that I think I've been in denial for some time. It's odd because this situation has gradually worsened over years and years, so slowly that I didn't even notice. Until now, when I'm left wondering how in the hell did I end up where I am. It's like that frog-in-boiling-water metaphor: Put a frog in a pot of water and gradually turn up the heat, and he'll never think to jump out, even when it's too late. Yep, call me froggy.

It doesn't help that my partner also had a stroke recently, so the fun part is that you really can't tell between "drunk" and "oh, he's having a stroke." But the stroke did bring out the alcoholism into full view. Of course, true to the signs of an alcoholic, my partner denies that he is one. It's always me overreacting and nagging and being a drag. This is why I began going to counseling a year ago, and it helped me get a better, truer perspective on what is really going on.

We also attended couples' counseling briefly, and it helped for a while. But he's already broken any promises he made to me about curtailing his drinking. There have been a few crazy moments in which he drank so much that he didn't know where he was; he would stumble into walls and door jambs, and completely forget what had happened during his drinking spell. Add to this all the medications he's on, and it's just suicidal. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. We had had a nice evening--until I realized how drunk he was. I lost it. Screaming, crying and so on. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. When he eventually came to bed, he couldn't find the bathroom but did manage to run into a wall or two. So I decided--after much deep breathing--that I would tell him in the morning, when he was sober, that it was over. I didn't want to live like this. I love him and he is a good person, but I can't handle the drinking. It's pulling me under.

So I did it. I told him it was over. And maybe this next part was a mistake, but I then told him that the only way I would stay is if he gave up alcohol completely and got some help. He didn't say much, and I moved into the extra bedroom. A day or so later, the liquor (but not the beer or wine) in the house was gone, and we talked. He sorta admitted he had a problem. He also talked to a relative about the situation, and she basically told him he did need help. So I thought, well, if he's going to try, let's see where this goes. I decided to give him one more chance, and I told him not to make me regret it.

Well, I think it's just a matter of time before we're really over. He's drinking beer or wine with the justification that he doesn't drink as much of that as he would of liquor. Oddly, I've become quite detached from the situation. I've said very little, no fights, no anger--just observing to see what will happen, what he will do. I worried over going to a fundraising gala recently because they would have an open bar. Yes, he drank too much; it wasn't unbearable, but it's obvious to everyone but himself that he's an alcoholic. But the evening wasn't so bad that it caused me to leave.

Now I think I see withdrawal symptoms setting in. He's become short and snippy with me over nothing, and his trademark sense of humor--the main reason I love him so--has all but disappeared. For whatever reasons, he's a very unhappy man. So tonight we're attending a friend's birthday party at a local restaurant, and I'm curious to see what will happen. Will he drink himself into a stupor? I'm not going to stop him if he does. I don't want it to happen, but I'm through trying to intervene and "save" him.

Which brings me to Al-Anon. If you don't know, it's a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics, based on the same 12-step philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our counselor suggested I go, and I resisted at first. I felt like I had done all I had the energy to do, and I wasn't going to add one more thing to my schedule because of "his problem." Maybe that isn't "loving," but there you go. But after the most recent escapade, I decided to go out of desperation. After all, I had finally realized he could not control the drinking. I had finally realized this was going to destroy our relationship. If nothing else, at least maybe I could find some support for what I needed to do next.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting 2 weeks ago. On the positive side, it was encouraging to hear others' experiences and to realize that I'm not just imagining these problems and situations. It was also encouraging to hear them talk about this detachment that I mentioned. Al-Anon stresses allowing the alcoholic to do what they will--as long as you are safe--and suffer whatever consequences arise. The mantra goes: "I didn't cause this. I can't control it. And I can't cure it." All that said, each of us must accept responsibility for our own actions and be prepared for difficult choices.

On the negative side, Al-Anon seems a little cultish. I didn't expect that all the talk about "my higher power" or "God" would make my skin crawl. Sure, I know it's helpful for so many, and I can try to look past the language in order to get the benefits, but it still unnerves me. Maybe that just means that I have finally jettisoned the remnants of my former Christian belief. But there's so much "groupspeak" that I'm wondering if some of these people aren't unstable themselves. They talk about their "own insanity." Sure, we all have issues, but it's arrogant and condescending to equate relationship challenges with real, true mental illness. Yes, I have been in denial about my partner's alcoholism for so long, but I'm hardly insane. Maybe I'm misinformed, but to me "insane" is someone who takes a semi-automatic weapon and shoots up a shopping mall. Maybe a minor quibble.

But it's almost like some of these people now get their identity by being "in love with an alcoholic." It consumes their life, and it seems to me they're not really living out Al-Anon principles. Maybe they're choosing to stay with their loved one. And some have children or parents, I realize, and it's not so easy to let them go. Maybe this is just my path, but now that I see what's really going on, I'm taking the approach "no more excuses!"

Today was my 2nd Al-Anon visit. Very helpful. We again talked about loving detachment, what it is and what it isn't. That helps. But I'm not buying all their recommendations--attending every meeting, working the 12 steps myself and all that. I'm sure they would say that's part of my problem. Hmmm, isn't that what cults say? It reminds me of when, ages ago, I almost was swallowed alive by the beast that is Amway. It's totally a cult--trust me!

I digress. So tonight will be interesting. Will he drink too much and where will that lead? What will my reaction be? Oh yeah, and tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now this is "real" reality TV! Stay tuned.

Saturday Odds & Ends: Family, Finances and Fa-La-La-La

Last night my partner and I went out with some good friends for dinner and then dessert at one couple's house. But I was as keyed up as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs! It's been a busy, stressful week, and then I had to rush home, change clothes, pick up one of our friends (who, God love her, talks too much) and then get to the restaurant.

Everyone else seemed able to decide what they wanted except me. The menu and choices completely overwhelmed me, and I found myself just sitting there staring at the menu wishing I were somewhere else. Merry Christmas!

Dinner and dessert was good, but I just never seemed to relax. I kept thinking about the layoffs and salary freeze at my office job. I kept thinking about how to find more freelance writing gigs and how to cut expenses at home. I kept thinking about how I really don't want to deck the halls at all this Christmas. Bah-humbug! My partner, of course, feels otherwise.

I'm willing to meet him halfway, however, so tomorrow we'll put up some decorations and mail Christmas cards. For the last couple of weeks, we've been doing ok, which is great. I was worried that things would spiral downward once we stopped going to counseling. Counseling was a big help, but we just couldn't afford it anymore.

Money, schmoney. Don't ever get seriously ill because it will suck up all the resources you have!

And adding to the stress, I found myself caught in the middle of an argument between one of my brothers and my father. I saw my father over Thanksgiving, and he bought my $6.95 barbecue dinner when we went out to eat. I've told him little about my financial troubles because I prefer to handle my own money woes--and he would hold it over my head if I borrowed money from him. So my brother apparently asked for a lot of money recently, and my dad said something about how he was helping me out and didn't have enough to spread around. But he hasn't given me anything but that dang barbecue dinner! So either he was just lying to my brother (which i don't like anyway) or he actually thinks $6.95 amounts to a federal bailout package (which he actually might). And if I try to find out what the real truth is, it will just cause more drama. So, fuck it.

I'm ready for a drink and a long nap!

Saturday Odds & Ends: Family, Finances and Fa-La-La-La

Last night my partner and I went out with some good friends for dinner and then dessert at one couple's house. But I was as keyed up as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs! It's been a busy, stressful week, and then I had to rush home, change clothes, pick up one of our friends (who, God love her, talks too much) and then get to the restaurant.

Everyone else seemed able to decide what they wanted except me. The menu and choices completely overwhelmed me, and I found myself just sitting there staring at the menu wishing I were somewhere else. Merry Christmas!

Dinner and dessert was good, but I just never seemed to relax. I kept thinking about the layoffs and salary freeze at my office job. I kept thinking about how to find more freelance writing gigs and how to cut expenses at home. I kept thinking about how I really don't want to deck the halls at all this Christmas. Bah-humbug! My partner, of course, feels otherwise.

I'm willing to meet him halfway, however, so tomorrow we'll put up some decorations and mail Christmas cards. For the last couple of weeks, we've been doing ok, which is great. I was worried that things would spiral downward once we stopped going to counseling. Counseling was a big help, but we just couldn't afford it anymore.

Money, schmoney. Don't ever get seriously ill because it will suck up all the resources you have!

And adding to the stress, I found myself caught in the middle of an argument between one of my brothers and my father. I saw my father over Thanksgiving, and he bought my $6.95 barbecue dinner when we went out to eat. I've told him little about my financial troubles because I prefer to handle my own money woes--and he would hold it over my head if I borrowed money from him. So my brother apparently asked for a lot of money recently, and my dad said something about how he was helping me out and didn't have enough to spread around. But he hasn't given me anything but that dang barbecue dinner! So either he was just lying to my brother (which i don't like anyway) or he actually thinks $6.95 amounts to a federal bailout package (which he actually might). And if I try to find out what the real truth is, it will just cause more drama. So, fuck it.

I'm ready for a drink and a long nap!

Ms. Mary Moodswing

I was in such a shitty mood on my way into the office today, and I'm trying to figure out why. Ever have those mornings where you just want to plow through all the other cars? No? Ok, so maybe I have a problem. But I'm usually so laid back, honestly.

Haven't posted anything lately on how the couples counseling is going, and I think this is part of what's bothering me. The counseling seems to be helping, but I think it's going too slow. Maybe we need to get a new therapist, but heavens to murgatroid, I don't want to start over again! The good news is that my partner and I aren't fighting as much, and we've had a couple of nice moments lately.

Yep--a couple....of....nice....moments. So is that it? Am I supposed to be happy with that for the next 30-40 years? I think this is what has me angry. He's trying, in his own way, to make things better--but I just don't think it's going to be enough.

I want more passion, more affection in our relationship. I want not to be turned away when I try to get a bit closer. Hell, I want to have sex! I guess I'm angry because I keep hoping things going to significantly improve--and they're not. There's just too much to dig through, and honey, therapy is expensive. I might give this til the end of the year and then re-evaluate. A year of therapy seems plenty to me.

So, feeling angry, desperate, bored and quite horny--a dangerous combo!

Add guilty, too, for even posting this. I don't know why I'm in this situation or why it seems so difficult to change. My friends say it's because I really care what happens, that I still care about my partner and our relationship. Makes sense.

But it also feels like I'm waiting for something, something either positive or negative, to happen that will tip the scales one way or the other. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. This morning, I pulled a tarot card for a quick meditation: the 7 of Pentacles. I'm still learning tarot, but this seemed to be about taking responsibility for my actions as well as coming to a cross-roads and taking stock. Seems appropriate, no?

Ms. Mary Moodswing

I was in such a shitty mood on my way into the office today, and I'm trying to figure out why. Ever have those mornings where you just want to plow through all the other cars? No? Ok, so maybe I have a problem. But I'm usually so laid back, honestly.

Haven't posted anything lately on how the couples counseling is going, and I think this is part of what's bothering me. The counseling seems to be helping, but I think it's going too slow. Maybe we need to get a new therapist, but heavens to murgatroid, I don't want to start over again! The good news is that my partner and I aren't fighting as much, and we've had a couple of nice moments lately.

Yep--a couple....of....nice....moments. So is that it? Am I supposed to be happy with that for the next 30-40 years? I think this is what has me angry. He's trying, in his own way, to make things better--but I just don't think it's going to be enough.

I want more passion, more affection in our relationship. I want not to be turned away when I try to get a bit closer. Hell, I want to have sex! I guess I'm angry because I keep hoping things going to significantly improve--and they're not. There's just too much to dig through, and honey, therapy is expensive. I might give this til the end of the year and then re-evaluate. A year of therapy seems plenty to me.

So, feeling angry, desperate, bored and quite horny--a dangerous combo!

Add guilty, too, for even posting this. I don't know why I'm in this situation or why it seems so difficult to change. My friends say it's because I really care what happens, that I still care about my partner and our relationship. Makes sense.

But it also feels like I'm waiting for something, something either positive or negative, to happen that will tip the scales one way or the other. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. This morning, I pulled a tarot card for a quick meditation: the 7 of Pentacles. I'm still learning tarot, but this seemed to be about taking responsibility for my actions as well as coming to a cross-roads and taking stock. Seems appropriate, no?