Booty, Beauty, Butterflies and Ugly Betty!

Yes, my alliteration is out of control this week. And I'm blissin' out on joy, which is not as easy as it sounds since I'm having a difficult week. Stomach and health issues, plus my dad just went into the hospital and may have cancer, and I can't seem to switch off the "monkey mind," as the Buddhists call it.

So last night I finally got around to watching the series finale of "Ugly Betty," and it was great. I will definitely miss this gem of a show. As the last scene faded, a song played that I had never heard before--and I instantly recognized the voice as that of Macy Gray. But the lyrics--at once funny and inspiring--stuck in my head. The song is "Beauty in the World," and it was the perfect ending for "Ugly Betty," and it's the perfect song for me to hear right now.

In the song, Macy sings about seeing the beauty of the world in spite of all the bad news, about noticing things like butterflies, for example. How fitting that the promos for the last season of "Ugly Betty" included butterflies, a symbol of transformation!

Just some excerpts of the lyrics:

All they talk about is
What is going down?
What’s been messed up, for us?
When I look around,
I see blue skies,
I see butterflies,
for us.

Listen to the sound and lose it,
Its sweet music,
and dance with me.
There is beauty in the world,
So much beauty in the world,
Always beauty in the world.

And you gotta love a song that contains this line:

Shake your booty, boys and girls,
for the beauty in the world!

Booty, Beauty, Butterflies and Ugly Betty!

Yes, my alliteration is out of control this week. And I'm blissin' out on joy, which is not as easy as it sounds since I'm having a difficult week. Stomach and health issues, plus my dad just went into the hospital and may have cancer, and I can't seem to switch off the "monkey mind," as the Buddhists call it.

So last night I finally got around to watching the series finale of "Ugly Betty," and it was great. I will definitely miss this gem of a show. As the last scene faded, a song played that I had never heard before--and I instantly recognized the voice as that of Macy Gray. But the lyrics--at once funny and inspiring--stuck in my head. The song is "Beauty in the World," and it was the perfect ending for "Ugly Betty," and it's the perfect song for me to hear right now.

In the song, Macy sings about seeing the beauty of the world in spite of all the bad news, about noticing things like butterflies, for example. How fitting that the promos for the last season of "Ugly Betty" included butterflies, a symbol of transformation!

Just some excerpts of the lyrics:

All they talk about is
What is going down?
What’s been messed up, for us?
When I look around,
I see blue skies,
I see butterflies,
for us.

Listen to the sound and lose it,
Its sweet music,
and dance with me.
There is beauty in the world,
So much beauty in the world,
Always beauty in the world.

And you gotta love a song that contains this line:

Shake your booty, boys and girls,
for the beauty in the world!

Birds and Buddha Bring Message of Joy

Ok, I get it! There needs to be more joy in more life--or, at least, I need to recognize the joy I already have and celebrate it. So how did this message arrive?

Buddha of joy
I was cleaning out my office and came across a Buddhist meditation/prayer that I don't think I have seen in about 2 years. It's called the brahmavihara or the "Four Immeasurables" (so yes, it has 4 parts). The first time I heard this prayer, its message was so clear, simple and encompassing that it stuck with me. But lately, I haven't been so good about following these 4 mantras: love, joy, sympathetic joy and equanimity. So during last week's meditation, I focused on the first one that stood out: sympathetic joy.

Sympathetic joy arises when we join in the happiness of others and wish them well-being and success. Practicing sympathetic joy takes your mind off of yourself and keeps hatred and jealousy at bay. Basically, if someone you know is excited, be excited for them. And even if it seems trivial or something that you don't feel joy over, be excited for them anyway. Joy is important and comes around way too seldom, so we should "rejoice" any time it appears, big, small or somewhere in between. Sometimes we also put off joy in order not to offend or make others feel bad. I'm learning that does no one any good.

Feathers of joy
The other message about joy arrived last night while at a friend's house. There were several people there, and we participated in a special ceremony in which my friend gave us all heron feathers. In some traditions (the specifics escape me), herons represent the ability to quickly change direction--which can be good if we realize we need to make a change.

My friend hands each of us a heron feather, each wrapped in a different color of deerskin. She had meditated earlier with each feather and with each of us in mind in order to receive a message. As she presented the feather, she delivered the message--and mine was one of healing and joy, she said, because she felt that these things are what I needed most right now in my life.

And I think my friend and Buddha are right. I could go on about the many reasons why, but suffice to say that I am going to practice more sympathetic joy; I am going to do more things that bring me joy; and I am going to focus on healing at various levels.

Do you have enough joy in your own life?

Birds and Buddha Bring Message of Joy

Ok, I get it! There needs to be more joy in more life--or, at least, I need to recognize the joy I already have and celebrate it. So how did this message arrive?

Buddha of joy
I was cleaning out my office and came across a Buddhist meditation/prayer that I don't think I have seen in about 2 years. It's called the brahmavihara or the "Four Immeasurables" (so yes, it has 4 parts). The first time I heard this prayer, its message was so clear, simple and encompassing that it stuck with me. But lately, I haven't been so good about following these 4 mantras: love, joy, sympathetic joy and equanimity. So during last week's meditation, I focused on the first one that stood out: sympathetic joy.

Sympathetic joy arises when we join in the happiness of others and wish them well-being and success. Practicing sympathetic joy takes your mind off of yourself and keeps hatred and jealousy at bay. Basically, if someone you know is excited, be excited for them. And even if it seems trivial or something that you don't feel joy over, be excited for them anyway. Joy is important and comes around way too seldom, so we should "rejoice" any time it appears, big, small or somewhere in between. Sometimes we also put off joy in order not to offend or make others feel bad. I'm learning that does no one any good.

Feathers of joy
The other message about joy arrived last night while at a friend's house. There were several people there, and we participated in a special ceremony in which my friend gave us all heron feathers. In some traditions (the specifics escape me), herons represent the ability to quickly change direction--which can be good if we realize we need to make a change.

My friend hands each of us a heron feather, each wrapped in a different color of deerskin. She had meditated earlier with each feather and with each of us in mind in order to receive a message. As she presented the feather, she delivered the message--and mine was one of healing and joy, she said, because she felt that these things are what I needed most right now in my life.

And I think my friend and Buddha are right. I could go on about the many reasons why, but suffice to say that I am going to practice more sympathetic joy; I am going to do more things that bring me joy; and I am going to focus on healing at various levels.

Do you have enough joy in your own life?

Galactic Gears in Motion

Have you ever felt energy shift--I mean, literally? Maybe this sounds crazy but I believe we all experience this--we just often ignore it.

We've all "felt" things, circumstances or whatever, click into place as if they were literal pieces of a puzzle? But this is even more than that. It isn't just having a good day. It's more like making a decision and then feeling the effects of that decision trigger giant, celestial gears into turning, as if an entire apparatus is now moving based on one small action, an apparatus that formerly had been poised, still, waiting for you to act.

That's how this week has been. I sense something's changed, something's moving again. It's a little of a relief, and it's a little scary, too, because other options have now been closed off.

What the hell am I talking about? I could write forever on this, but I'm not quite ready. I will say that I've decided to reunite with my partner. There are many reasons why. Mostly I looked at what kind of person I want to be, and I realized that there are many things I can still learn from him. And, ultimately, I love him.

And that decision has set these great gears into motion.

Galactic Gears in Motion

Have you ever felt energy shift--I mean, literally? Maybe this sounds crazy but I believe we all experience this--we just often ignore it.

We've all "felt" things, circumstances or whatever, click into place as if they were literal pieces of a puzzle? But this is even more than that. It isn't just having a good day. It's more like making a decision and then feeling the effects of that decision trigger giant, celestial gears into turning, as if an entire apparatus is now moving based on one small action, an apparatus that formerly had been poised, still, waiting for you to act.

That's how this week has been. I sense something's changed, something's moving again. It's a little of a relief, and it's a little scary, too, because other options have now been closed off.

What the hell am I talking about? I could write forever on this, but I'm not quite ready. I will say that I've decided to reunite with my partner. There are many reasons why. Mostly I looked at what kind of person I want to be, and I realized that there are many things I can still learn from him. And, ultimately, I love him.

And that decision has set these great gears into motion.

Divination and Romance: Give Me Some Guidance Already!

Since things with my partner are going much better, I've been leaning toward getting back together with  him. Nothing's been decided yet, but I do wonder if that is the "right" decision. Of course, I also believe there really is no "right" decision; it's all in what I want most, what I want for my life. Be that as it may, I was pondering all this the other day and thought a little divination might help.

Unlike some, I don't believe divination provides specific answers. But I do think it can help us clear away the filters we put up in order to see what our deeper desires are, what our subconscious is really saying--and for whatever reason, I feel that is more honest. Still not "right" or "wrong" but simply more honest. No matter the form of divination, your question is always: "How do I feel about _______?"

So I tried a couple of types of divination, to see what answers I would get. No surprise, perhaps, but I kept getting different answers! Some would say this just proves divination is hooey--or it may simply be an indication of the indecision I'm experiencing.

 Stone Casting
First I tried stone casting (a form of geomancy), using 3 stones: one multicolored, one lighter stone and one much darker stone. You hold the stones, ask the question, toss them and then get your "yes" or "no answer based on which stone--the lighter or the darker--has landed closest to the multicolored stone (also called the "teaching stone." So I did this 3 times, each time asking how I felt about getting back together with my partner. I got 1 "yes," 1 "no" and 1 "don't know," when the lighter and darker stones fell an equal distance from the teaching stone. Hmmm, ok, not very helpful!

Picture Casting

This form also uses stones but 7 instead of 3, and they can be any color. Once the stones land (best to toss on floor for this one), you walk around the "picture" they have created in order to see it from all perspectives, all the while trying to determine if anything about the shape stands out. Does it look like something? Are the stones pointing in a specific direction? In my case, the stones fell really close together--and, I kid you not, formed a lowercase "y" shape, which I took to mean "yes!"

Pendulum

I also tried the good ol' pendulum for good measure. You ask the same question, then get your answer based on the pendulum's movement--and, honestly, I always have to look. There's clockwise, counterclockwise, and up and down, but I forget now which is "yes," "no" and "don't know." Regardless, my results after 3 asks were: 2 "yes" and 1 "don't know."

Tarot

Well, I couldn't go without drawing a tarot card, now could I? After shuffling my deck and asking my question, I drew the Five of Cups. Now, the 5 of any suite is positive, regardless of whether it's upside down or not. However, the Five of Cups has to do with disappointment and loss. It could be that you are saying goodbye to someone or something; it could also mean you are simply longing to be reunited; or it may be acknowledging mistakes--none of which are answers per se.

So, the grand total was 4 "Yes," 2 "Don't Know" and 1 "No." Going back to the question--how do I feel about going back to my partner--the majority of the answers would say that I feel positively about this idea. But that doesn't really tell me how things will turn out if I do!

And therein lies my struggle. I can't know, and there isn't any way to find out. I can try divination to get a clue, or I can simply use my own limited wisdom and experience--but nothing will prevent me from taking a risk either way. It's all a gamble, always has been and always will be.

Divination and Romance: Give Me Some Guidance Already!

Since things with my partner are going much better, I've been leaning toward getting back together with  him. Nothing's been decided yet, but I do wonder if that is the "right" decision. Of course, I also believe there really is no "right" decision; it's all in what I want most, what I want for my life. Be that as it may, I was pondering all this the other day and thought a little divination might help.

Unlike some, I don't believe divination provides specific answers. But I do think it can help us clear away the filters we put up in order to see what our deeper desires are, what our subconscious is really saying--and for whatever reason, I feel that is more honest. Still not "right" or "wrong" but simply more honest. No matter the form of divination, your question is always: "How do I feel about _______?"

So I tried a couple of types of divination, to see what answers I would get. No surprise, perhaps, but I kept getting different answers! Some would say this just proves divination is hooey--or it may simply be an indication of the indecision I'm experiencing.

 Stone Casting
First I tried stone casting (a form of geomancy), using 3 stones: one multicolored, one lighter stone and one much darker stone. You hold the stones, ask the question, toss them and then get your "yes" or "no answer based on which stone--the lighter or the darker--has landed closest to the multicolored stone (also called the "teaching stone." So I did this 3 times, each time asking how I felt about getting back together with my partner. I got 1 "yes," 1 "no" and 1 "don't know," when the lighter and darker stones fell an equal distance from the teaching stone. Hmmm, ok, not very helpful!

Picture Casting

This form also uses stones but 7 instead of 3, and they can be any color. Once the stones land (best to toss on floor for this one), you walk around the "picture" they have created in order to see it from all perspectives, all the while trying to determine if anything about the shape stands out. Does it look like something? Are the stones pointing in a specific direction? In my case, the stones fell really close together--and, I kid you not, formed a lowercase "y" shape, which I took to mean "yes!"

Pendulum

I also tried the good ol' pendulum for good measure. You ask the same question, then get your answer based on the pendulum's movement--and, honestly, I always have to look. There's clockwise, counterclockwise, and up and down, but I forget now which is "yes," "no" and "don't know." Regardless, my results after 3 asks were: 2 "yes" and 1 "don't know."

Tarot

Well, I couldn't go without drawing a tarot card, now could I? After shuffling my deck and asking my question, I drew the Five of Cups. Now, the 5 of any suite is positive, regardless of whether it's upside down or not. However, the Five of Cups has to do with disappointment and loss. It could be that you are saying goodbye to someone or something; it could also mean you are simply longing to be reunited; or it may be acknowledging mistakes--none of which are answers per se.

So, the grand total was 4 "Yes," 2 "Don't Know" and 1 "No." Going back to the question--how do I feel about going back to my partner--the majority of the answers would say that I feel positively about this idea. But that doesn't really tell me how things will turn out if I do!

And therein lies my struggle. I can't know, and there isn't any way to find out. I can try divination to get a clue, or I can simply use my own limited wisdom and experience--but nothing will prevent me from taking a risk either way. It's all a gamble, always has been and always will be.

"Ugly Betty" Cancelled---Now Even MORE Reasons for Me to Be Grumpy!

"Since when are we the last ones to know the juicy gossip?!"

Once again, one of my favorite shows is cancelled. I don't understand why people didn't watch "Ugly Betty." It was creative in so many ways, you never knew what was going to happen, the acting and writing were great; it was witty and smart, and it had REAL family values as opposed to other shows that supposedly promote such things but which are so screechingly awful that I want to poke my eyes out. What show incorporated so many actors of varying ages, from teens to senior adults? What show included such contemporary story lines without seeming preachy or contrived? Most of all, what show reveled in its overall gayness without being political about it?

This is worse than when Henry got that other girl pregnant!

 Some story lines had struggled recently, but I had hopes for this current season, which I thought was off to a very satisfying start. I mean, I almost literally cried when Matt and Betty broke up the other week! (I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with my own relationship, but whatever...)

Oh, you know Hilda is NOT happy about this! 

 "Ugly Betty" has always been a wonderful breath of fresh air. I love all the characters, which were so multi-dimensional, unlike so many other shows where the bad girl is always unrealistically bad and the good girl is always so mind-numbingly perfect. How dull. But on "Ugly Betty," you both love AND hate Wilhelmina. You cheer when Amanda is daffy AND when she's surprisingly smart. You love it when Marc is Queen Bitch and when he's Mr. Softie. Of course, you love it when Betty completely screws up and when she saves the day.

"I want to know who's responsible for this fiasco!" 

Meanwhile, complete crap like "The Biggest Loser" and "Jersey Shore" soar to ratings Heaven (I'm not even including links!). Sure, maybe "Loser" is inspirational for some, but it's all so voyeuristic. I fully support people getting healthy, but I don't consider it entertaining to watch it happen. In fact, I think a lot of people watch that show only so they can say, "Well, at least I'm not THAT fat." And that is sad.

And we were just getting to know the scrumptious Adam Rodriguez--damn! 

So--here's to "Ugly Betty!" I hope they pull out all the stops for this final season--and ABC will lose one more viewer...

"Ugly Betty" Cancelled---Now Even MORE Reasons for Me to Be Grumpy!

"Since when are we the last ones to know the juicy gossip?!"

Once again, one of my favorite shows is cancelled. I don't understand why people didn't watch "Ugly Betty." It was creative in so many ways, you never knew what was going to happen, the acting and writing were great; it was witty and smart, and it had REAL family values as opposed to other shows that supposedly promote such things but which are so screechingly awful that I want to poke my eyes out. What show incorporated so many actors of varying ages, from teens to senior adults? What show included such contemporary story lines without seeming preachy or contrived? Most of all, what show reveled in its overall gayness without being political about it?

This is worse than when Henry got that other girl pregnant!

 Some story lines had struggled recently, but I had hopes for this current season, which I thought was off to a very satisfying start. I mean, I almost literally cried when Matt and Betty broke up the other week! (I'm sure that didn't have anything to do with my own relationship, but whatever...)

Oh, you know Hilda is NOT happy about this! 

 "Ugly Betty" has always been a wonderful breath of fresh air. I love all the characters, which were so multi-dimensional, unlike so many other shows where the bad girl is always unrealistically bad and the good girl is always so mind-numbingly perfect. How dull. But on "Ugly Betty," you both love AND hate Wilhelmina. You cheer when Amanda is daffy AND when she's surprisingly smart. You love it when Marc is Queen Bitch and when he's Mr. Softie. Of course, you love it when Betty completely screws up and when she saves the day.

"I want to know who's responsible for this fiasco!" 

Meanwhile, complete crap like "The Biggest Loser" and "Jersey Shore" soar to ratings Heaven (I'm not even including links!). Sure, maybe "Loser" is inspirational for some, but it's all so voyeuristic. I fully support people getting healthy, but I don't consider it entertaining to watch it happen. In fact, I think a lot of people watch that show only so they can say, "Well, at least I'm not THAT fat." And that is sad.

And we were just getting to know the scrumptious Adam Rodriguez--damn! 

So--here's to "Ugly Betty!" I hope they pull out all the stops for this final season--and ABC will lose one more viewer...

My Grumpy Pants Are On Waaaay Too Tight!

Boy, am I grumpy today. Had to control my temper in the grocery store after way too many slooooow people with carts got in my way!

And I know why I'm grumpy--but, *yawn*, it's the same ol', same ol'. And usually, thinking ahead to some sort of ritual provides a welcome distraction--but not right now. Next Monday is Imbolc, the mid-point between winter and spring. I always try and celebrate these moments in some way that helps me reconnect to the Earth, to the changing seasons. So this photo here, with the candles in the snow, reminds me that the light is returning soon.

But not even this is taking my mind off work, money, relationships, health--you name it!
Arrrgh! Grrrowl!

My Grumpy Pants Are On Waaaay Too Tight!

Boy, am I grumpy today. Had to control my temper in the grocery store after way too many slooooow people with carts got in my way!

And I know why I'm grumpy--but, *yawn*, it's the same ol', same ol'. And usually, thinking ahead to some sort of ritual provides a welcome distraction--but not right now. Next Monday is Imbolc, the mid-point between winter and spring. I always try and celebrate these moments in some way that helps me reconnect to the Earth, to the changing seasons. So this photo here, with the candles in the snow, reminds me that the light is returning soon.

But not even this is taking my mind off work, money, relationships, health--you name it!
Arrrgh! Grrrowl!

Can You Ever Go Home Again?

Maybe that's a cliche title, but it's where my head is right now. Things with my partner are going well, actually, and we're preparing to sell the house (painting, etc). Over the weekend, we took a walk through the old Grove, down the trail a ways and to the creek. We went as far as a footbridge before turning around. The walk was nice--but what stuck with me were my emotions about the land itself.

If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.

So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.

My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.

Can You Ever Go Home Again?

Maybe that's a cliche title, but it's where my head is right now. Things with my partner are going well, actually, and we're preparing to sell the house (painting, etc). Over the weekend, we took a walk through the old Grove, down the trail a ways and to the creek. We went as far as a footbridge before turning around. The walk was nice--but what stuck with me were my emotions about the land itself.

If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.

So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.

My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.

Thinking of Renewal at Winter Solstice

So 'round we go once again. Today marks the shortest day of the year, when the Northern Hemisphere is positioned such that the least amount of the sun's heat and light reaches us. And then, slowly, the earth orbits the sun so that a little bit more of the sun gets to us each day, until we reach the longest day of the year in Summer 2010. I mark this day because it reminds me that I live on this tiny planet in this great, big, enormous universe--dependent on titled, orbiting planets and blazing stars that are cool enough not to bake us alive but warm enough so we don't freeze solid either. A little farther toward the sun or a little farther out, and that would be our story.

The Winter Solstice is a time for renewal, and this year I hope for renewed personal energy. I just don't have much enthusiasm--or patience!--for anything. And I also wish for a renewal of my relationship with my partner--meaning, that if anything is going to happen, if it's going to last, if it's worth saving, then now is the time. I may be crazy, but I still hope. He and I have enjoyed a good couple of days together, and that's made this season more special. We're working on renewal--and with that in mind, I'll share a short reading that i used in the solstice ceremony which we did together earlier this evening.

"Snow and ice have cooled our minds, 

Cold winds have blown away our fertile thoughts, 

Silent night have stilled our tongues. 

Like the bear, the fox and the toad,

Our creativity hibernates without the warmth of the sun.

Come to us now, Inspiration, as the sun returns!

As the sun grows in strength,

So may the fire in our hearts!" 

Happy Solstice everyone! Here's to renewal.

Thinking of Renewal at Winter Solstice

So 'round we go once again. Today marks the shortest day of the year, when the Northern Hemisphere is positioned such that the least amount of the sun's heat and light reaches us. And then, slowly, the earth orbits the sun so that a little bit more of the sun gets to us each day, until we reach the longest day of the year in Summer 2010. I mark this day because it reminds me that I live on this tiny planet in this great, big, enormous universe--dependent on titled, orbiting planets and blazing stars that are cool enough not to bake us alive but warm enough so we don't freeze solid either. A little farther toward the sun or a little farther out, and that would be our story.

The Winter Solstice is a time for renewal, and this year I hope for renewed personal energy. I just don't have much enthusiasm--or patience!--for anything. And I also wish for a renewal of my relationship with my partner--meaning, that if anything is going to happen, if it's going to last, if it's worth saving, then now is the time. I may be crazy, but I still hope. He and I have enjoyed a good couple of days together, and that's made this season more special. We're working on renewal--and with that in mind, I'll share a short reading that i used in the solstice ceremony which we did together earlier this evening.

"Snow and ice have cooled our minds, 

Cold winds have blown away our fertile thoughts, 

Silent night have stilled our tongues. 

Like the bear, the fox and the toad,

Our creativity hibernates without the warmth of the sun.

Come to us now, Inspiration, as the sun returns!

As the sun grows in strength,

So may the fire in our hearts!" 

Happy Solstice everyone! Here's to renewal.

Foolish, Blind and Torn

 

Foolish, Blind and Torn

 

Hump Day Humdrums

Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).

Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.

2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.

3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.

4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.

I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?

So, how was your day?

Hump Day Humdrums

Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).

Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.

2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.

3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.

4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.

I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?

So, how was your day?