Hump Day Humdrums

Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).

Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.

2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.

3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.

4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.

I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?

So, how was your day?

Hump Day Humdrums

Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).

Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.

2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.

3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.

4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.

I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?

So, how was your day?

Papua New Guinea: Hell on Earth for Witches

It's hard to believe that this kind of thing still goes on in our world. I just don't get it. Maybe this will offend some, but I honestly don't believe than anyone possesses any witch-like powers, no matter what they call themselves. It's fine to worship your gods and goddesses, make your sacred circles and whatnot; I find it all quite meaningful. But do I believe in it literally? No.

Yet some people take it very seriously. But it's their own ignorance and fear that is the real problem.

witches and scientists: Suspected Witch Burned Alive

Let's all pray, light a candle or meditate for this poor woman and her remaining relatives. Then let's do the same for the misguided, fearful people who killed her.

Papua New Guinea: Hell on Earth for Witches

It's hard to believe that this kind of thing still goes on in our world. I just don't get it. Maybe this will offend some, but I honestly don't believe than anyone possesses any witch-like powers, no matter what they call themselves. It's fine to worship your gods and goddesses, make your sacred circles and whatnot; I find it all quite meaningful. But do I believe in it literally? No.

Yet some people take it very seriously. But it's their own ignorance and fear that is the real problem.

witches and scientists: Suspected Witch Burned Alive

Let's all pray, light a candle or meditate for this poor woman and her remaining relatives. Then let's do the same for the misguided, fearful people who killed her.

The Winter of Our Collective Discontent?

Do you ever find yourself anticipating big trends or find yourself caught up in an emotional current that feels much larger than puny little you? I often have but never gave much thought as to why. But given my new spiritual direction, I'm paying more attention to these kinds of things, to what might be called instinct or even premonitions (although that sounds crazy, right?).

Here are some pics I took last Friday on a walk through the Grove. I walked farther and deeper than ever. My first impression was of how quickly the brilliant fall colors had faded to a monochromatic brownish gray. Sometimes it was difficult to even see the footpaths. The leaf-covered ground seemed to blend with the tree trunks, bare branches and woodsy thickets.

As I walked, melancholy descended and enveloped me, which is usually just the opposite of what happens when I'm out in nature. Typically, any melancholy disappears. But not this time.

Later that day and weekend, my mood deepened and intensified. Rather than try and shake the mood, I began paying more attention. What bubbled up was "suffering." I began to see it everywhere: in the news out of Haiti, India, Thailand and elsewhere; in reports about local charities unable to help the needy; in emails I received from friends asking for prayers and support for their friends, family and neighbors; in the death of a friend's favorite aunt from ALS; in the permanent changes I see in my partner because of his stoke; in another friend's terminal brain cancer; in the financial struggles of my cousin, my sister and brother; in the ongoing job losses in this country.

On and on it goes. And while these kinds of things happen all the time, it does seem particularly concentrated at the moment. There's physical suffering, lots of unexpected fear and insecurity, and great spiritual hunger. I don't know if any of you are experiencing these same emotions, but it's really sapping my own strength. Is it just good ol' "seasonal affective disorder?"

Some say that shamans are sensitive to such collective currents, and I think our country is obviously entering a new phase of sorts. Now, I hesitate to claim to "know" anything or to overstate my shamanic experiences or knowledge. But something's going on. I could feel it a few weeks back with Obama's election, and I think many others did, too. I felt it again with the rising anger and frustration in the LGBT community over Prop 8's passage in California. And I felt it this past weekend on my walk.

Just wanted to share this. I need to meditate on it and perhaps conduct a shamanic journey to see what I might learn from these emotions, this experience. In the meantime, I wish each and every one of you peace, contentment and strength.

The Winter of Our Collective Discontent?

Do you ever find yourself anticipating big trends or find yourself caught up in an emotional current that feels much larger than puny little you? I often have but never gave much thought as to why. But given my new spiritual direction, I'm paying more attention to these kinds of things, to what might be called instinct or even premonitions (although that sounds crazy, right?).

Here are some pics I took last Friday on a walk through the Grove. I walked farther and deeper than ever. My first impression was of how quickly the brilliant fall colors had faded to a monochromatic brownish gray. Sometimes it was difficult to even see the footpaths. The leaf-covered ground seemed to blend with the tree trunks, bare branches and woodsy thickets.

As I walked, melancholy descended and enveloped me, which is usually just the opposite of what happens when I'm out in nature. Typically, any melancholy disappears. But not this time.

Later that day and weekend, my mood deepened and intensified. Rather than try and shake the mood, I began paying more attention. What bubbled up was "suffering." I began to see it everywhere: in the news out of Haiti, India, Thailand and elsewhere; in reports about local charities unable to help the needy; in emails I received from friends asking for prayers and support for their friends, family and neighbors; in the death of a friend's favorite aunt from ALS; in the permanent changes I see in my partner because of his stoke; in another friend's terminal brain cancer; in the financial struggles of my cousin, my sister and brother; in the ongoing job losses in this country.

On and on it goes. And while these kinds of things happen all the time, it does seem particularly concentrated at the moment. There's physical suffering, lots of unexpected fear and insecurity, and great spiritual hunger. I don't know if any of you are experiencing these same emotions, but it's really sapping my own strength. Is it just good ol' "seasonal affective disorder?"

Some say that shamans are sensitive to such collective currents, and I think our country is obviously entering a new phase of sorts. Now, I hesitate to claim to "know" anything or to overstate my shamanic experiences or knowledge. But something's going on. I could feel it a few weeks back with Obama's election, and I think many others did, too. I felt it again with the rising anger and frustration in the LGBT community over Prop 8's passage in California. And I felt it this past weekend on my walk.

Just wanted to share this. I need to meditate on it and perhaps conduct a shamanic journey to see what I might learn from these emotions, this experience. In the meantime, I wish each and every one of you peace, contentment and strength.

My Spiritual Response to Gay Marriage

All this talk of protests and the accompanying emotions I've experienced have affected me in surprising ways. It's certainly tipped me off my usual center--but I don't know that it's a bad thing. However, I've had to consciously carve out moments to put those concerns aside and regain my wider perspective. I've been asking myself, how do I respond spiritually to this situation?

It isn't an easy answer since this path I'm on is new. In my former Christian life, I think my response would have been fairly simple: act in God's love. You may be thinking, "Well, just do the same now." Except I don't believe in any god being or deity or even necessarily in anything divine, so the phrase "God's love" comes up empty.

I've also been struggling with the fact that the politics of gay marriage and gay rights are illusions. It's only because I live in a democracy and have an expectation of equality in one form or another that this is even an issue. Elsewhere, it wouldn't even be a possibility. My sexuality doesn't define me; I am more and beyond that categorization. In other words, I believe it is possible to live fully as you are without any rights handed to you. It is possible to live by values that are timeless, even if others do not recognize you or those values. That assumes, of course, that people will leave you alone.

That rarely happens, and such is the case in this defining moment. Yet regardless of the outcome for gay marriage in this country, I still am and always will be. But I feel a need to act in this moment, in this world of here-and-now politics. The visible goal may be "marriage," but the larger frequency is love and respect.

I've been surprised at my anger, at my desire to lash out in some way at the oppressors. Is this right? Where do I draw the line? What's a thoughtful pagan to do? I'm really glad that I no longer need to see this situation through a Christian lens because it forces me to dig deeper. I don't have a special book or text to guide me, so I have to really uncover what values are most important to me and how I should walk in this physical world. The oppressors use Jesus and the Bible as weapons, but there are some on the side of gay rights who claim Jesus and the Bible say otherwise. To me, the one cancels out the other. We need something more, something deeper, something more essential.

Regardless of where we all stand on this issue of gay rights, the fact is that something has been sparked, an energy has been released, something has changed. This energy is rushing through each one of us, no matter what our opinions are. I'm hoping that this will be seen as the winds of progress, but that won't be true for everyone. This energy will make some afraid. It will overwhelm others and carry them away. Others may harness the energy and try to use it for their own ends. Is there a way to simply open our arms, feel its tug and pull, and listen quietly to what it has to say?

artwork by Mark Kashino

My Spiritual Response to Gay Marriage

All this talk of protests and the accompanying emotions I've experienced have affected me in surprising ways. It's certainly tipped me off my usual center--but I don't know that it's a bad thing. However, I've had to consciously carve out moments to put those concerns aside and regain my wider perspective. I've been asking myself, how do I respond spiritually to this situation?

It isn't an easy answer since this path I'm on is new. In my former Christian life, I think my response would have been fairly simple: act in God's love. You may be thinking, "Well, just do the same now." Except I don't believe in any god being or deity or even necessarily in anything divine, so the phrase "God's love" comes up empty.

I've also been struggling with the fact that the politics of gay marriage and gay rights are illusions. It's only because I live in a democracy and have an expectation of equality in one form or another that this is even an issue. Elsewhere, it wouldn't even be a possibility. My sexuality doesn't define me; I am more and beyond that categorization. In other words, I believe it is possible to live fully as you are without any rights handed to you. It is possible to live by values that are timeless, even if others do not recognize you or those values. That assumes, of course, that people will leave you alone.

That rarely happens, and such is the case in this defining moment. Yet regardless of the outcome for gay marriage in this country, I still am and always will be. But I feel a need to act in this moment, in this world of here-and-now politics. The visible goal may be "marriage," but the larger frequency is love and respect.

I've been surprised at my anger, at my desire to lash out in some way at the oppressors. Is this right? Where do I draw the line? What's a thoughtful pagan to do? I'm really glad that I no longer need to see this situation through a Christian lens because it forces me to dig deeper. I don't have a special book or text to guide me, so I have to really uncover what values are most important to me and how I should walk in this physical world. The oppressors use Jesus and the Bible as weapons, but there are some on the side of gay rights who claim Jesus and the Bible say otherwise. To me, the one cancels out the other. We need something more, something deeper, something more essential.

Regardless of where we all stand on this issue of gay rights, the fact is that something has been sparked, an energy has been released, something has changed. This energy is rushing through each one of us, no matter what our opinions are. I'm hoping that this will be seen as the winds of progress, but that won't be true for everyone. This energy will make some afraid. It will overwhelm others and carry them away. Others may harness the energy and try to use it for their own ends. Is there a way to simply open our arms, feel its tug and pull, and listen quietly to what it has to say?

artwork by Mark Kashino