Can You Ever Go Home Again?

Maybe that's a cliche title, but it's where my head is right now. Things with my partner are going well, actually, and we're preparing to sell the house (painting, etc). Over the weekend, we took a walk through the old Grove, down the trail a ways and to the creek. We went as far as a footbridge before turning around. The walk was nice--but what stuck with me were my emotions about the land itself.

If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.

So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.

My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.

Can You Ever Go Home Again?

Maybe that's a cliche title, but it's where my head is right now. Things with my partner are going well, actually, and we're preparing to sell the house (painting, etc). Over the weekend, we took a walk through the old Grove, down the trail a ways and to the creek. We went as far as a footbridge before turning around. The walk was nice--but what stuck with me were my emotions about the land itself.

If you've been a follower of mine for any length of time, you know how special the Grove was to me and how difficult it was to actually move out. But it's odd--going to the house doesn't stir up as many emotions as the land itself does. When I moved, I said goodbye and essentially thanked the land for all it had taught me. You may think that's crazy, and that's fine. You simply didn't experience it as I did.

So there we were, standing on the footbridge and looking down into the creek--and it's as if I knew I couldn't go any farther into the Grove. It felt like something was closed off, and the thought of me walking farther into those woods felt like a trespass. That surprised me. It was on that same footbridge 5 years that I had first felt the pull of the woods again, felt the pull of nature's spirit like I hadn't in decades. But whatever spirit(s) greeted me then and opened my eyes to a new way of living are gone now, or at the least, they have nothing else to say to me.

My partner and I may work things out, but regardless, we'll have to move. Part of me wants to hang on to the land, too, but what good would it do? Can't force it. Can't pretend. The next step lies elsewhere, and I assume it's there that I will find home again.

Ta-Da!

Here's the new look for the blog! Love it? Hate it? I'm diggin the stars, and the colors feel right--plus, I kinda like the tractor. It reminds me of that Kenny Chesney song. But I do care if it's hard to read, so if it is, please let me know.

Now I just have to upload all my widgets again!

And if you're looking for a new look yourself, check out Pyzam.com.

Ta-Da!

Here's the new look for the blog! Love it? Hate it? I'm diggin the stars, and the colors feel right--plus, I kinda like the tractor. It reminds me of that Kenny Chesney song. But I do care if it's hard to read, so if it is, please let me know.

Now I just have to upload all my widgets again!

And if you're looking for a new look yourself, check out Pyzam.com.

I Think I'm Becoming a Night Owl (or maybe Mothman?)

Here I sit, Diet Pepsi in my hand, typing away after midnight. I've already been to bed and even finished a good book. But my mind is ablaze! It kneads a mixture of to-do items for tomorrow as well as greater spiritual chunks that you can't fully digest while lying in bed. This is becoming a habit. I can't seem to get up in the mornings, but I want to stay awake all night.

My energy pattern has obviously shifted. I used to rise early and love to get lots of things done before hardly anyone else was awake. Now that's more of a goal than a reality. Instead I like to sit outside at night on my apartment stairs and gaze up at the stars, or just lie in bed and think without ever getting sleepy. And that's what's odd--I'm not even tired!

So am I turning into a creature that only comes out at night? You know, a cat, an opposum or maybe an owl? Supposedly they develop enhanced smell and hearing (I'll let you know). Maybe a moth, which have always creeped me out. I know--a vampire!

Well, it's all well and good--but I still have to work in the morning!

I Think I'm Becoming a Night Owl (or maybe Mothman?)

Here I sit, Diet Pepsi in my hand, typing away after midnight. I've already been to bed and even finished a good book. But my mind is ablaze! It kneads a mixture of to-do items for tomorrow as well as greater spiritual chunks that you can't fully digest while lying in bed. This is becoming a habit. I can't seem to get up in the mornings, but I want to stay awake all night.

My energy pattern has obviously shifted. I used to rise early and love to get lots of things done before hardly anyone else was awake. Now that's more of a goal than a reality. Instead I like to sit outside at night on my apartment stairs and gaze up at the stars, or just lie in bed and think without ever getting sleepy. And that's what's odd--I'm not even tired!

So am I turning into a creature that only comes out at night? You know, a cat, an opposum or maybe an owl? Supposedly they develop enhanced smell and hearing (I'll let you know). Maybe a moth, which have always creeped me out. I know--a vampire!

Well, it's all well and good--but I still have to work in the morning!

Reflections on a Simple Alban Elfed

Ready or not, fall/autumn is here, and the equinox occurred yesterday evening, that time that only happens twice a year when the amounts of sunlight and darkness are equal. (Well, National Geographic says that isn't exactly true, but I'll let the wonks sort it out.) I love fall, usually, but I'm dreading it this year because that mean's winter isn't far away. I don't always do well without enough sunlight and warmth in my days, and now that my partner and I have split up, the seasonal changes are filling me with apprehension.

No surprise, I really didn't want to conduct any kind of ritual for the equinox/Mabon, or Alban Elfed in the Celtic tradition. But I needed to do it for my spiritual health. It's been very difficult lately for me to keep up my spiritual practices. I guess I just feel a little empty at the moment. But now's the time when it's most important, of course. I need to maintain that connection to the natural world, to the everyday changes that occur around us. It helps me to remember that change is part of our lives. Things begin and things end. Nature teaches us that nothing can ever remain the same.

My ritual today was simple, and I didn't even take a photo to share. Just a single candle and me seated on the floor. I did add a bowl of water to symbolize emotions and relationships (oh how they do change!).

Balance
As I meditated on the balance of dark and light on the equinox, I began to wonder: Is balance in anything really possible? The equinox itself is only a passing moment, and then the days grow darker, only to come into balance again in the spring; but that lasts only a moment as well. So much is written and said about maintaining balance in our lives, but it's ever elusive. Just when you think you have it, it's gone. And off you go again in search of balance. Maybe it's overrated!!

Change

As the seasons change, we have an opportunity to reflect on change in our lives. Obviously, I've been through a big change recently after leaving my partner. But where do we go from here? Even though I've moved out, I still talk to him: I have mail to collect, personal items still in the house, and we need to paint the bathrooms in preparation to put the house up for sale. Most perplexing, he's actually beginning to show more affection and treat me as I had wanted to be treated all along. And as far as I know, he's stopped drinking altogether. Maybe there's a chance yet. But the lesson is that things have changed, regardless of whether we remain apart or get back together. If we do reconcile, the dynamic of our relationship and our expectations will have to evolve--otherwise, we'll be operating from a perspective that has already shifted out from under us.

Harvest

It's also a time to reflect on what the seeds we've planted in our lives have produced. I'm disappointed that some of my writing projects and goals haven't been met, but then I did get ordained as an interfaith minister this year--and I have 2 weddings planned for October. That's been a wonderful surprise!

I don't know if any of you out there might also be dreading the approach of winter, too. But my ritual reminded me that even winter will pass eventually. We cannot stop any of it, not the change in seasons nor changes in our personal lives. I say this to myself as much as to anyone else who is reading: Hang on. Relax. This, too, shall pass in time.

Reflections on a Simple Alban Elfed

Ready or not, fall/autumn is here, and the equinox occurred yesterday evening, that time that only happens twice a year when the amounts of sunlight and darkness are equal. (Well, National Geographic says that isn't exactly true, but I'll let the wonks sort it out.) I love fall, usually, but I'm dreading it this year because that mean's winter isn't far away. I don't always do well without enough sunlight and warmth in my days, and now that my partner and I have split up, the seasonal changes are filling me with apprehension.

No surprise, I really didn't want to conduct any kind of ritual for the equinox/Mabon, or Alban Elfed in the Celtic tradition. But I needed to do it for my spiritual health. It's been very difficult lately for me to keep up my spiritual practices. I guess I just feel a little empty at the moment. But now's the time when it's most important, of course. I need to maintain that connection to the natural world, to the everyday changes that occur around us. It helps me to remember that change is part of our lives. Things begin and things end. Nature teaches us that nothing can ever remain the same.

My ritual today was simple, and I didn't even take a photo to share. Just a single candle and me seated on the floor. I did add a bowl of water to symbolize emotions and relationships (oh how they do change!).

Balance
As I meditated on the balance of dark and light on the equinox, I began to wonder: Is balance in anything really possible? The equinox itself is only a passing moment, and then the days grow darker, only to come into balance again in the spring; but that lasts only a moment as well. So much is written and said about maintaining balance in our lives, but it's ever elusive. Just when you think you have it, it's gone. And off you go again in search of balance. Maybe it's overrated!!

Change

As the seasons change, we have an opportunity to reflect on change in our lives. Obviously, I've been through a big change recently after leaving my partner. But where do we go from here? Even though I've moved out, I still talk to him: I have mail to collect, personal items still in the house, and we need to paint the bathrooms in preparation to put the house up for sale. Most perplexing, he's actually beginning to show more affection and treat me as I had wanted to be treated all along. And as far as I know, he's stopped drinking altogether. Maybe there's a chance yet. But the lesson is that things have changed, regardless of whether we remain apart or get back together. If we do reconcile, the dynamic of our relationship and our expectations will have to evolve--otherwise, we'll be operating from a perspective that has already shifted out from under us.

Harvest

It's also a time to reflect on what the seeds we've planted in our lives have produced. I'm disappointed that some of my writing projects and goals haven't been met, but then I did get ordained as an interfaith minister this year--and I have 2 weddings planned for October. That's been a wonderful surprise!

I don't know if any of you out there might also be dreading the approach of winter, too. But my ritual reminded me that even winter will pass eventually. We cannot stop any of it, not the change in seasons nor changes in our personal lives. I say this to myself as much as to anyone else who is reading: Hang on. Relax. This, too, shall pass in time.

Clear Sailing? It's in the cards!

If you ever use tarot cards, do you ever wonder what the hell they're saying? I've been pulling a single card almost daily for the last few weeks, trying to get some clarity on all the changes I'm going through with my partner.

Well, yesterday, I made a BIG decision--I put in an application for an apartment! I'm not saying which one just yet, because I don't know if the application's been accepted. So if you voted on which one I should pick, just hang tight for another day or so!

With that in mind, I pulled the Eight of Wands this morning (Eight of Rods in the Brotherhood Tarot that I actually use. I use this representation here from Philosopher's Stone since I don't have an actual image scanned. But this one is pretty, too.) I'm always cautious about taking these too literally--but I really liked this one given my decision yesterday!

The Eight of Wands/Rods represents: "Clear sailing. You are on the right path. The direction you take will get you to your destination. Your actions will bring you what you desire. Success. Our sights are set on the goal and we move with purpose. As we make our sojourn, we understand the bigger picture; good times lie ahead. What could be better than something to look forward to?"

Clear Sailing? It's in the cards!

If you ever use tarot cards, do you ever wonder what the hell they're saying? I've been pulling a single card almost daily for the last few weeks, trying to get some clarity on all the changes I'm going through with my partner.

Well, yesterday, I made a BIG decision--I put in an application for an apartment! I'm not saying which one just yet, because I don't know if the application's been accepted. So if you voted on which one I should pick, just hang tight for another day or so!

With that in mind, I pulled the Eight of Wands this morning (Eight of Rods in the Brotherhood Tarot that I actually use. I use this representation here from Philosopher's Stone since I don't have an actual image scanned. But this one is pretty, too.) I'm always cautious about taking these too literally--but I really liked this one given my decision yesterday!

The Eight of Wands/Rods represents: "Clear sailing. You are on the right path. The direction you take will get you to your destination. Your actions will bring you what you desire. Success. Our sights are set on the goal and we move with purpose. As we make our sojourn, we understand the bigger picture; good times lie ahead. What could be better than something to look forward to?"

My Spiritual Response to Gay Marriage

All this talk of protests and the accompanying emotions I've experienced have affected me in surprising ways. It's certainly tipped me off my usual center--but I don't know that it's a bad thing. However, I've had to consciously carve out moments to put those concerns aside and regain my wider perspective. I've been asking myself, how do I respond spiritually to this situation?

It isn't an easy answer since this path I'm on is new. In my former Christian life, I think my response would have been fairly simple: act in God's love. You may be thinking, "Well, just do the same now." Except I don't believe in any god being or deity or even necessarily in anything divine, so the phrase "God's love" comes up empty.

I've also been struggling with the fact that the politics of gay marriage and gay rights are illusions. It's only because I live in a democracy and have an expectation of equality in one form or another that this is even an issue. Elsewhere, it wouldn't even be a possibility. My sexuality doesn't define me; I am more and beyond that categorization. In other words, I believe it is possible to live fully as you are without any rights handed to you. It is possible to live by values that are timeless, even if others do not recognize you or those values. That assumes, of course, that people will leave you alone.

That rarely happens, and such is the case in this defining moment. Yet regardless of the outcome for gay marriage in this country, I still am and always will be. But I feel a need to act in this moment, in this world of here-and-now politics. The visible goal may be "marriage," but the larger frequency is love and respect.

I've been surprised at my anger, at my desire to lash out in some way at the oppressors. Is this right? Where do I draw the line? What's a thoughtful pagan to do? I'm really glad that I no longer need to see this situation through a Christian lens because it forces me to dig deeper. I don't have a special book or text to guide me, so I have to really uncover what values are most important to me and how I should walk in this physical world. The oppressors use Jesus and the Bible as weapons, but there are some on the side of gay rights who claim Jesus and the Bible say otherwise. To me, the one cancels out the other. We need something more, something deeper, something more essential.

Regardless of where we all stand on this issue of gay rights, the fact is that something has been sparked, an energy has been released, something has changed. This energy is rushing through each one of us, no matter what our opinions are. I'm hoping that this will be seen as the winds of progress, but that won't be true for everyone. This energy will make some afraid. It will overwhelm others and carry them away. Others may harness the energy and try to use it for their own ends. Is there a way to simply open our arms, feel its tug and pull, and listen quietly to what it has to say?

artwork by Mark Kashino

My Spiritual Response to Gay Marriage

All this talk of protests and the accompanying emotions I've experienced have affected me in surprising ways. It's certainly tipped me off my usual center--but I don't know that it's a bad thing. However, I've had to consciously carve out moments to put those concerns aside and regain my wider perspective. I've been asking myself, how do I respond spiritually to this situation?

It isn't an easy answer since this path I'm on is new. In my former Christian life, I think my response would have been fairly simple: act in God's love. You may be thinking, "Well, just do the same now." Except I don't believe in any god being or deity or even necessarily in anything divine, so the phrase "God's love" comes up empty.

I've also been struggling with the fact that the politics of gay marriage and gay rights are illusions. It's only because I live in a democracy and have an expectation of equality in one form or another that this is even an issue. Elsewhere, it wouldn't even be a possibility. My sexuality doesn't define me; I am more and beyond that categorization. In other words, I believe it is possible to live fully as you are without any rights handed to you. It is possible to live by values that are timeless, even if others do not recognize you or those values. That assumes, of course, that people will leave you alone.

That rarely happens, and such is the case in this defining moment. Yet regardless of the outcome for gay marriage in this country, I still am and always will be. But I feel a need to act in this moment, in this world of here-and-now politics. The visible goal may be "marriage," but the larger frequency is love and respect.

I've been surprised at my anger, at my desire to lash out in some way at the oppressors. Is this right? Where do I draw the line? What's a thoughtful pagan to do? I'm really glad that I no longer need to see this situation through a Christian lens because it forces me to dig deeper. I don't have a special book or text to guide me, so I have to really uncover what values are most important to me and how I should walk in this physical world. The oppressors use Jesus and the Bible as weapons, but there are some on the side of gay rights who claim Jesus and the Bible say otherwise. To me, the one cancels out the other. We need something more, something deeper, something more essential.

Regardless of where we all stand on this issue of gay rights, the fact is that something has been sparked, an energy has been released, something has changed. This energy is rushing through each one of us, no matter what our opinions are. I'm hoping that this will be seen as the winds of progress, but that won't be true for everyone. This energy will make some afraid. It will overwhelm others and carry them away. Others may harness the energy and try to use it for their own ends. Is there a way to simply open our arms, feel its tug and pull, and listen quietly to what it has to say?

artwork by Mark Kashino

Power, Chaos and Change

Feelin' pretty impotent at the moment. "Impotent" too loaded a term? Ok, how about powerless.

My sister is a single mom raising 2 kids and struggles to make ends meet. I help her out now and then, but it's never enough.

A friend of mine has a brain tumor--make that several brain tumors. Chemo's not working. Steriods have packed on serious pounds. The docs are now recommending a stronger (ie--more toxic?) treatment regimen. There's little I can do but watch.

Another friend lost her job recently. She's looking and looking, but nothing. This is a woman who inspired me to get back on track with some ambitions and dreams of my own, and now she can't get work. Oh, and her husband lost his job, too! My friend and I talk every couple of days, but what can I do--really?

My father was just in the hospital for a minor thing and he's home now. Dad is 82 and actually in decent health. But I worry about him. He still tries to work and really shouldn't (too many details to go into). He lives about an hour away, so I don't see him as often as I'd like. He also is having trouble in his marriage and is very lonely. What can I do?

Ah, the chaos of life. Theoretically, we're supposed to embrace it and ride the wave, right? I know that when we try to stop change or unravel the chaos is when we lose. And I'm a control freak--so yeah, chaos is not how I roll.

Anxiety, guilt, worry--all illusions, right? When you think about it, who among us really has power? If that's the case, then no one is really "powerless." Power is an illusion.

Yet, how do I help when I can and not let the emotions overtake me?

Power, Chaos and Change

Feelin' pretty impotent at the moment. "Impotent" too loaded a term? Ok, how about powerless.

My sister is a single mom raising 2 kids and struggles to make ends meet. I help her out now and then, but it's never enough.

A friend of mine has a brain tumor--make that several brain tumors. Chemo's not working. Steriods have packed on serious pounds. The docs are now recommending a stronger (ie--more toxic?) treatment regimen. There's little I can do but watch.

Another friend lost her job recently. She's looking and looking, but nothing. This is a woman who inspired me to get back on track with some ambitions and dreams of my own, and now she can't get work. Oh, and her husband lost his job, too! My friend and I talk every couple of days, but what can I do--really?

My father was just in the hospital for a minor thing and he's home now. Dad is 82 and actually in decent health. But I worry about him. He still tries to work and really shouldn't (too many details to go into). He lives about an hour away, so I don't see him as often as I'd like. He also is having trouble in his marriage and is very lonely. What can I do?

Ah, the chaos of life. Theoretically, we're supposed to embrace it and ride the wave, right? I know that when we try to stop change or unravel the chaos is when we lose. And I'm a control freak--so yeah, chaos is not how I roll.

Anxiety, guilt, worry--all illusions, right? When you think about it, who among us really has power? If that's the case, then no one is really "powerless." Power is an illusion.

Yet, how do I help when I can and not let the emotions overtake me?