Melancholy Mary

I know just how she feels. Just can't shake this melancholy that's taken hold. A month ago, I posted how my energy was waning. Well, it's only deepened. If I could've stayed in the mountains, I would have. Breaking my routine was a breath of fresh air. But now I'm back in the workaday world and having a helluva time just getting up in the mornings. I have plenty to do but no motivation, so I'm procrastinating big time and I've been a slacker on my morning walks and exercise.

My emotions are right at the surface and volatile, prone to swinging up or down at the drop of a hat. I'm usually so even-tempered. The smallest things overwhelm me, like grocery shopping or what to do for lunch. And damn--the house needs to be cleaned and the Christmas decorations put away. I hate to whine, and I know that my circumstances are so much better than many others in this world--and that's what bothers me most. I want to feel energetic, positive and hopeful, and I have every reason to feel that way--and yet I don't. Pity parties aren't my thing, and yet I don't feel I have much control over these emotions right now, or at the least my usual resources are depleted.

Or something. Example--this morning I turned on the news as I was dressing and preparing breakfast. But it was all doom and gloom, and I lost it! Fighting in Gaza, economic turmoil and job loss--it was more than I could handle, and I broke down in tears. So I shut off the TV. But then I realized there wasn't anything to distract me from all those other emotions. Sometimes you have to get up and get on with business, despite what's going on inside your head, right? And sitting there eating breakfast in silence was not helpful.

I could get into more specifics, but then this post would ramble on forever. Frankly, I have too much to do. Writing this helps a bit, helps me organize and process. Maybe I'll try more counseling, if the checkbook will support it. I've done some shamanic journeying lately, but not much to report. My experiences haven't been all that enlightening. Wolf and vulture seem to have gone mute.

Definitely need a little inspiration, somehow, some way.

Melancholy Mary

I know just how she feels. Just can't shake this melancholy that's taken hold. A month ago, I posted how my energy was waning. Well, it's only deepened. If I could've stayed in the mountains, I would have. Breaking my routine was a breath of fresh air. But now I'm back in the workaday world and having a helluva time just getting up in the mornings. I have plenty to do but no motivation, so I'm procrastinating big time and I've been a slacker on my morning walks and exercise.

My emotions are right at the surface and volatile, prone to swinging up or down at the drop of a hat. I'm usually so even-tempered. The smallest things overwhelm me, like grocery shopping or what to do for lunch. And damn--the house needs to be cleaned and the Christmas decorations put away. I hate to whine, and I know that my circumstances are so much better than many others in this world--and that's what bothers me most. I want to feel energetic, positive and hopeful, and I have every reason to feel that way--and yet I don't. Pity parties aren't my thing, and yet I don't feel I have much control over these emotions right now, or at the least my usual resources are depleted.

Or something. Example--this morning I turned on the news as I was dressing and preparing breakfast. But it was all doom and gloom, and I lost it! Fighting in Gaza, economic turmoil and job loss--it was more than I could handle, and I broke down in tears. So I shut off the TV. But then I realized there wasn't anything to distract me from all those other emotions. Sometimes you have to get up and get on with business, despite what's going on inside your head, right? And sitting there eating breakfast in silence was not helpful.

I could get into more specifics, but then this post would ramble on forever. Frankly, I have too much to do. Writing this helps a bit, helps me organize and process. Maybe I'll try more counseling, if the checkbook will support it. I've done some shamanic journeying lately, but not much to report. My experiences haven't been all that enlightening. Wolf and vulture seem to have gone mute.

Definitely need a little inspiration, somehow, some way.

The Winter of Our Collective Discontent?

Do you ever find yourself anticipating big trends or find yourself caught up in an emotional current that feels much larger than puny little you? I often have but never gave much thought as to why. But given my new spiritual direction, I'm paying more attention to these kinds of things, to what might be called instinct or even premonitions (although that sounds crazy, right?).

Here are some pics I took last Friday on a walk through the Grove. I walked farther and deeper than ever. My first impression was of how quickly the brilliant fall colors had faded to a monochromatic brownish gray. Sometimes it was difficult to even see the footpaths. The leaf-covered ground seemed to blend with the tree trunks, bare branches and woodsy thickets.

As I walked, melancholy descended and enveloped me, which is usually just the opposite of what happens when I'm out in nature. Typically, any melancholy disappears. But not this time.

Later that day and weekend, my mood deepened and intensified. Rather than try and shake the mood, I began paying more attention. What bubbled up was "suffering." I began to see it everywhere: in the news out of Haiti, India, Thailand and elsewhere; in reports about local charities unable to help the needy; in emails I received from friends asking for prayers and support for their friends, family and neighbors; in the death of a friend's favorite aunt from ALS; in the permanent changes I see in my partner because of his stoke; in another friend's terminal brain cancer; in the financial struggles of my cousin, my sister and brother; in the ongoing job losses in this country.

On and on it goes. And while these kinds of things happen all the time, it does seem particularly concentrated at the moment. There's physical suffering, lots of unexpected fear and insecurity, and great spiritual hunger. I don't know if any of you are experiencing these same emotions, but it's really sapping my own strength. Is it just good ol' "seasonal affective disorder?"

Some say that shamans are sensitive to such collective currents, and I think our country is obviously entering a new phase of sorts. Now, I hesitate to claim to "know" anything or to overstate my shamanic experiences or knowledge. But something's going on. I could feel it a few weeks back with Obama's election, and I think many others did, too. I felt it again with the rising anger and frustration in the LGBT community over Prop 8's passage in California. And I felt it this past weekend on my walk.

Just wanted to share this. I need to meditate on it and perhaps conduct a shamanic journey to see what I might learn from these emotions, this experience. In the meantime, I wish each and every one of you peace, contentment and strength.

The Winter of Our Collective Discontent?

Do you ever find yourself anticipating big trends or find yourself caught up in an emotional current that feels much larger than puny little you? I often have but never gave much thought as to why. But given my new spiritual direction, I'm paying more attention to these kinds of things, to what might be called instinct or even premonitions (although that sounds crazy, right?).

Here are some pics I took last Friday on a walk through the Grove. I walked farther and deeper than ever. My first impression was of how quickly the brilliant fall colors had faded to a monochromatic brownish gray. Sometimes it was difficult to even see the footpaths. The leaf-covered ground seemed to blend with the tree trunks, bare branches and woodsy thickets.

As I walked, melancholy descended and enveloped me, which is usually just the opposite of what happens when I'm out in nature. Typically, any melancholy disappears. But not this time.

Later that day and weekend, my mood deepened and intensified. Rather than try and shake the mood, I began paying more attention. What bubbled up was "suffering." I began to see it everywhere: in the news out of Haiti, India, Thailand and elsewhere; in reports about local charities unable to help the needy; in emails I received from friends asking for prayers and support for their friends, family and neighbors; in the death of a friend's favorite aunt from ALS; in the permanent changes I see in my partner because of his stoke; in another friend's terminal brain cancer; in the financial struggles of my cousin, my sister and brother; in the ongoing job losses in this country.

On and on it goes. And while these kinds of things happen all the time, it does seem particularly concentrated at the moment. There's physical suffering, lots of unexpected fear and insecurity, and great spiritual hunger. I don't know if any of you are experiencing these same emotions, but it's really sapping my own strength. Is it just good ol' "seasonal affective disorder?"

Some say that shamans are sensitive to such collective currents, and I think our country is obviously entering a new phase of sorts. Now, I hesitate to claim to "know" anything or to overstate my shamanic experiences or knowledge. But something's going on. I could feel it a few weeks back with Obama's election, and I think many others did, too. I felt it again with the rising anger and frustration in the LGBT community over Prop 8's passage in California. And I felt it this past weekend on my walk.

Just wanted to share this. I need to meditate on it and perhaps conduct a shamanic journey to see what I might learn from these emotions, this experience. In the meantime, I wish each and every one of you peace, contentment and strength.

Humdrum Hump Day

Today, dear readers, I am mired in some serious melancholy.

Is it the drone of the presidential campaign? Is it just me or does Obama totally put you to sleep now? It seems he has moved so far to the center and become so calculating (as I feared and predicted!), that anything he says makes me squirm. Maybe Palin will start firing her moose rifle and spark some more drama.

There seems to be bad news all around--people losing their jobs while the U.S. spends billions every day (is that right? Couldn't find an exact link). And my own financial situation, while not dire, isn't anything to get excited over.

My main job, while a good one, has become boring and isolating. I really want to quit, like right now, but need the income. And the plan of saving some extra cash to enable me to leave this job isn't working like I'd hoped.

Couples counseling is going well, I suppose. But there's still a lot that needs to change between me and my partner. It's never going to be like it was, and I'm not confident that I have the patience to hang on and see if there's anything worth salvaging.

Spiritually, I'm in a good place, but I'm overwhelmed at the same time. I've spent so much time trying to follow everyone else's rules and beliefs, and I feel that I've stifled myself. Now that I'm moving beyond all that, I just want to run like crazy, throw caution to the wind and see where I end up. There's so much that I need to unlearn, if you will, and at times it seems to be a lengthy, even tedious, process.

Big things, little things--and I don't even know if any of this makes sense to those of you kind enough to read it. Physically, emotionally, I am tired and worn out.

Sure, I need to stay positive and keep that energy up. My shamanic instruction would say, "if you don't like your reality, change it!" While I know that to be possible and true, well, something's getting in the way, and that thing is a great big messy ball of melancholy.

Humdrum Hump Day

Today, dear readers, I am mired in some serious melancholy.

Is it the drone of the presidential campaign? Is it just me or does Obama totally put you to sleep now? It seems he has moved so far to the center and become so calculating (as I feared and predicted!), that anything he says makes me squirm. Maybe Palin will start firing her moose rifle and spark some more drama.

There seems to be bad news all around--people losing their jobs while the U.S. spends billions every day (is that right? Couldn't find an exact link). And my own financial situation, while not dire, isn't anything to get excited over.

My main job, while a good one, has become boring and isolating. I really want to quit, like right now, but need the income. And the plan of saving some extra cash to enable me to leave this job isn't working like I'd hoped.

Couples counseling is going well, I suppose. But there's still a lot that needs to change between me and my partner. It's never going to be like it was, and I'm not confident that I have the patience to hang on and see if there's anything worth salvaging.

Spiritually, I'm in a good place, but I'm overwhelmed at the same time. I've spent so much time trying to follow everyone else's rules and beliefs, and I feel that I've stifled myself. Now that I'm moving beyond all that, I just want to run like crazy, throw caution to the wind and see where I end up. There's so much that I need to unlearn, if you will, and at times it seems to be a lengthy, even tedious, process.

Big things, little things--and I don't even know if any of this makes sense to those of you kind enough to read it. Physically, emotionally, I am tired and worn out.

Sure, I need to stay positive and keep that energy up. My shamanic instruction would say, "if you don't like your reality, change it!" While I know that to be possible and true, well, something's getting in the way, and that thing is a great big messy ball of melancholy.