It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's--"Super" Riverwolf!

Ignore that it says "Talented One-Eyed Pirate"--I prefer "Heroic One-Eyed Modern Super Druid!" Or something like that. So over at Hero Factory, you can turn yourself into an actual super hero.

I'm off to help injured wildlife, rid the world of environmental toxins, urban sprawl, mountaintop removal and wetlands destruction, and return Mother Earth to a more balanced state. And why not look buff while doing it?!

I've got my nature-inspired green-and-brown spandex on, and an "R" on my chest (for Riverwolf). No, it doesn't stand for "Robin." I may have to hex you for that! The eye patch just looks cool; besides, my third eye is open anyway, and skulls actually symbolize the spirit self. The green gloves are very handy at picking up roadside litter. And the wooden staff? Every druid or shaman needs one--and if I find any litterbugs, I can smack 'em with it! *Pow-Wham*

Thanks to my buddy over at GLH Playground for the tip!

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's--"Super" Riverwolf!

Ignore that it says "Talented One-Eyed Pirate"--I prefer "Heroic One-Eyed Modern Super Druid!" Or something like that. So over at Hero Factory, you can turn yourself into an actual super hero.

I'm off to help injured wildlife, rid the world of environmental toxins, urban sprawl, mountaintop removal and wetlands destruction, and return Mother Earth to a more balanced state. And why not look buff while doing it?!

I've got my nature-inspired green-and-brown spandex on, and an "R" on my chest (for Riverwolf). No, it doesn't stand for "Robin." I may have to hex you for that! The eye patch just looks cool; besides, my third eye is open anyway, and skulls actually symbolize the spirit self. The green gloves are very handy at picking up roadside litter. And the wooden staff? Every druid or shaman needs one--and if I find any litterbugs, I can smack 'em with it! *Pow-Wham*

Thanks to my buddy over at GLH Playground for the tip!

"Battlestart Galactica": The Crazy Boomer Bitch Is Back!

Boy, was I stupid! Here I was pining away for the heartfelt reunion of Tyrol and Boomer, thinking it would be a bright spot in the current doom-and-gloom of BSG. So I get my reunion--and it WAS sweet seeing these 2 cry and fawn over their imaginary child and imaginary, well-appointed home--but it would only result in yet more betrayals, pain and, finally, some action to move the plot forward!

Don't you just love this show?

I didn't see it coming, the whole thing with Boomer taking out Athena, having sex with Helo (can you blame her?) while Athena watches, bloodied and bound in a closet, and then kidnapping Hera to take back to grisly ol' Cavil.

And poor, stupid Tyrol. Yeah, these Final 5 aren't all that bright. Their children continue to outwit them.

Wasn't all that excited about the Starbuck/piano plot line. I mean, I knew it was supposed to maybe, kinda, possibly reveal a shadowy clue about something--but did we have to sit through all the "please, Kara, play me a tune," plink--plink--plink? But ok, so the song Starbuck's dad taught her was recognized by Saul and Ellen, and Hera had unwittingly (?) drawn the musical notes for Starbuck. Obviously, it will soon be discovered that Starbuck's dad was none other than the recently revealed Cylon Model #7, Daniel. The bigger question: Is there a Daniel model alive somewhere, waiting for his moment to bring salvation?

So how did Hera know those notes? Was it some kind of downloaded Cylon mass consciousness memory thing that somehow passed from Daniel to Athena, Hera's mom? Is there a greater significance to that particular song? Music was used earlier to trigger 4 of the Final 5 into action (and how that was planned has yet to be explained). Reminds me of how certain musical notes are supposed to resonate with each point in the chakra system.

And if Starbuck is indeed the first half-breed Cylon/human, does she have an as-yet-unexplained destiny, just like little Hera?

I'm SURE the writers can explain all this in just 3 frakkin' episodes!

"Battlestart Galactica": The Crazy Boomer Bitch Is Back!

Boy, was I stupid! Here I was pining away for the heartfelt reunion of Tyrol and Boomer, thinking it would be a bright spot in the current doom-and-gloom of BSG. So I get my reunion--and it WAS sweet seeing these 2 cry and fawn over their imaginary child and imaginary, well-appointed home--but it would only result in yet more betrayals, pain and, finally, some action to move the plot forward!

Don't you just love this show?

I didn't see it coming, the whole thing with Boomer taking out Athena, having sex with Helo (can you blame her?) while Athena watches, bloodied and bound in a closet, and then kidnapping Hera to take back to grisly ol' Cavil.

And poor, stupid Tyrol. Yeah, these Final 5 aren't all that bright. Their children continue to outwit them.

Wasn't all that excited about the Starbuck/piano plot line. I mean, I knew it was supposed to maybe, kinda, possibly reveal a shadowy clue about something--but did we have to sit through all the "please, Kara, play me a tune," plink--plink--plink? But ok, so the song Starbuck's dad taught her was recognized by Saul and Ellen, and Hera had unwittingly (?) drawn the musical notes for Starbuck. Obviously, it will soon be discovered that Starbuck's dad was none other than the recently revealed Cylon Model #7, Daniel. The bigger question: Is there a Daniel model alive somewhere, waiting for his moment to bring salvation?

So how did Hera know those notes? Was it some kind of downloaded Cylon mass consciousness memory thing that somehow passed from Daniel to Athena, Hera's mom? Is there a greater significance to that particular song? Music was used earlier to trigger 4 of the Final 5 into action (and how that was planned has yet to be explained). Reminds me of how certain musical notes are supposed to resonate with each point in the chakra system.

And if Starbuck is indeed the first half-breed Cylon/human, does she have an as-yet-unexplained destiny, just like little Hera?

I'm SURE the writers can explain all this in just 3 frakkin' episodes!

Psychedelica: Are You Ready for Your Close Up?

Guess we'll use the fish-eye lens--har, har. A new species of frogfish has been discovered off the coast of Indonesia, and it's quite the glamour-puss, with crazy stripes and turquoise-colored eyes situated forward like a human's. Named "Psychedelica," it also bounces along the sea bottom and propels itself like a jet by forcing water out of its gills. Crazy! It also has fins that look more like legs and an off-center tail.

Ain't nature grand!

Psychedelica: Are You Ready for Your Close Up?

Guess we'll use the fish-eye lens--har, har. A new species of frogfish has been discovered off the coast of Indonesia, and it's quite the glamour-puss, with crazy stripes and turquoise-colored eyes situated forward like a human's. Named "Psychedelica," it also bounces along the sea bottom and propels itself like a jet by forcing water out of its gills. Crazy! It also has fins that look more like legs and an off-center tail.

Ain't nature grand!

Artist Nils Udo Rediscovers Nature

These are simply stunning photographs. German artist Nils Udo takes only what he finds in nature--water, flowers, berries, branches--and creates surprising images. Meditating on these photographs brings a smile to my face and a sense of wonder to my heart. It's amazing when people can take everyday things that the rest of us take for granted and actually get us to take a second look.

Images in order: "Mirror," "untitled" and "Nest."

Found him at Greenmuseum.org. See more images at ArtNet.

Artist Nils Udo Rediscovers Nature

These are simply stunning photographs. German artist Nils Udo takes only what he finds in nature--water, flowers, berries, branches--and creates surprising images. Meditating on these photographs brings a smile to my face and a sense of wonder to my heart. It's amazing when people can take everyday things that the rest of us take for granted and actually get us to take a second look.

Images in order: "Mirror," "untitled" and "Nest."

Found him at Greenmuseum.org. See more images at ArtNet.

"Battlestar Galactica's" Jamie Bamber Bares It All for Bears

Not that Apollo needs an excuse to get naked, but he's certainly chosen a worthy cause.

Via Towleroad: Battlestar Galactica's Jamie Bamber goes bare for bears in the latest ad for PETA, meant to help save black bears who die for their fur. Canadian Black Bears are apparently used to make the fur caps for the Queen's Guard.

Says Bamber: "The obvious alternative is to make caps out of faux fur. You know, use synthetic materials to avoid killing a beautiful animal. They're not to keep warm. It's not particularly freezing outside Buckingham Palace. You could wear something else. And you could certainly wear faux fur."

Yay Jamie, and thanks for speaking up!

"Battlestar Galactica's" Jamie Bamber Bares It All for Bears

Not that Apollo needs an excuse to get naked, but he's certainly chosen a worthy cause.

Via Towleroad: Battlestar Galactica's Jamie Bamber goes bare for bears in the latest ad for PETA, meant to help save black bears who die for their fur. Canadian Black Bears are apparently used to make the fur caps for the Queen's Guard.

Says Bamber: "The obvious alternative is to make caps out of faux fur. You know, use synthetic materials to avoid killing a beautiful animal. They're not to keep warm. It's not particularly freezing outside Buckingham Palace. You could wear something else. And you could certainly wear faux fur."

Yay Jamie, and thanks for speaking up!

Not Watching Obama's Speech on the Economy

Dang it---I got my days all confused. I was thinking "American Idol" came on tonight, and I was so looking forward to it since I had to work so late today. But no, Obama's got a speech. Which is fine and all. I wish him all the luck in the world, but geez, his honesty is sometimes TOO much. I don't want to hear how bad it's going to be, how many sacrifices I have to make and so on. I know all that already. That's why I have more work now (but no extra money). Everyone is having to do more with less in order to keep their jobs!

So instead of watching our dear Prez, I'm blogging!

Not Watching Obama's Speech on the Economy

Dang it---I got my days all confused. I was thinking "American Idol" came on tonight, and I was so looking forward to it since I had to work so late today. But no, Obama's got a speech. Which is fine and all. I wish him all the luck in the world, but geez, his honesty is sometimes TOO much. I don't want to hear how bad it's going to be, how many sacrifices I have to make and so on. I know all that already. That's why I have more work now (but no extra money). Everyone is having to do more with less in order to keep their jobs!

So instead of watching our dear Prez, I'm blogging!

Post Shamanic Weekend Re-Entry Is a Bitch

I'm very fortunate--I just spent 2 full days with quasi-strangers who have become friends trying to figure out the deeper questions of life. We all have our opinions and quirks, but there's a deep respect and admiration for one another. Yeah, and it took me practically all weekend to realize that, to slough off the armor required to live in this culture and open myself up enough to experience the reality that truly is, the reality that can truly be.

And now it's over, and I'm left with paying bills, deadlines at work, traffic jams, boring TV shows and so on. It's almost as if my weekend was a dream. It felt so real and now, *poof*, it's gone. Makes me wonder, did any of that happen?

"Goddesses Gone Wild!"
We had fun with that line, speculating which of our activities might wind up on YouTube. But sorry to disappoint, we didn't actually get beyond a little dancing and some racy humor.

As a quick recap, I'm in this shamanic mystery school based on the 7 chakras. This past weekend, we focused on the heart chakra and goddess energy. Situated in the middle of the chakra system, the heart chakra is about balance, and we directed our energy toward a love-centered foundation for compassion and service to others. Here are a few highlights:

• Love is always unconditional. If it's conditional, it isn't love. Duh.

• Prior to the workshop, we each meditated on the moon and journeyed there. I've developed a strong spiritual connection to one other workshop participant. She showed up in both my meditation and my dream the first night of the workshop.

• We talked about male and female energy (I'm not convinced there's a difference, actually). But the facilitator had constructed this "cylinder" out of 2 hula hoops and ribbon that we could step into. Allegedly, male energy spins one way while female spins the other. Naturally, my hoop rocked back and forth! But while standing there, I totally had serious deja vu, a flashback to a dream or whatever---but I recall an image of me standing inside this thing, not knowing what it was but very curious. Took my breath away and gave me the willies!
  

• We listed 13 goddesses in our own lives and their lessons. Then we discussed various goddesses from different cultures. I pulled Artemis, and it read:

  "I am Artemis, the Greek Goddess of Selfhood. I am here to say that now is the time to pay attention to the whispering voices of your own needs. Now is the time to take yourself back and celebrate and strengthen who you are."

  Which is so appropriate it's scary, given the issues I'm having with my partner. Thank you, Artemis. I don't know how accurate that is historically, but it works for me!
  

• We also learned about cool, freaky stuff like the 13 Egyptian chakras and their harmonies/tones, how to do a crystal chakra layout for someone, huna energy balancing and healing, crystal grids and shamanic body journeying (which I'll briefly explain). We also participated in a heart chakra activation ceremony. And lots of drumming, shaking rattles and a little goddess dancing for those who felt so inclined.
  

My Goddess and Gender Issues
You probably know the pagan world is pretty much divided into goddess energy and god energy, and I get why all that's important. But for those of us like me who don't really fit in either world, it's a bit of a riddle. Where do we fit? I can appreciate feminine qualities and goddess perspectives, but I believe and know there is something beyond that. Gender is so limiting, whether you're male or female. We're so much more.

This came up during our shamanic body journey to the heart. I'll spare you the logistics since they're quite complicated. All that's important is this: I saw a beautiful and fierce sea goddess (and this photo is a pale imitation) whose hair was of seaweed and sea anemones, her limbs were undulating sea creatures, and she swayed with the ocean's currents. This was supposed to be my "goddess within." Most gay men have already found their inner goddess--ha, ha--but was this all?

Then a watery shock wave broke the sea goddess image; it became more androgynous, and then another shock wave made the figure disappear altogether, leaving nothing but pure formlessness and essence. This is it! THAT is me! THAT is all of us! We are not bound by what's between our legs--gods, how limiting! All I could see was water, representing pure energy and spirit. It brought tears to my eyes.

We were also to ask questions of the goddess, so I'll have to backtrack a bit. I asked, "What am I supposed to be doing?" Because I'm always unsure and seem to be going in various directions that never pan out. I initially heard, "Just be," which really bothered me because I'm totally Type A. But then, as I meditated on that image of formlessness (is there such a thing?), I distinctly heard: "I Am."

Whoa--for us former Christians, that smacks of heresy! But it isn't really. It isn't quite the same thing as the Christian god saying, "I am that I am." Sure, I'd still be burned at the stake if this were 1509 but whatever. What that meant to me, if I can even begin to put it into words, is that whatever I'm doing is good and fine and perfect. Whomever I am or become is good and fine and perfect. The same energy in me is the energy is each and every person in this world, past, present and future. And it's the same energy in the plants, the animals, the water, the sun and the stars themselves.

So the goddess in Riverwolf says, "I am. And it's all good, y'all."

Post Shamanic Weekend Re-Entry Is a Bitch

I'm very fortunate--I just spent 2 full days with quasi-strangers who have become friends trying to figure out the deeper questions of life. We all have our opinions and quirks, but there's a deep respect and admiration for one another. Yeah, and it took me practically all weekend to realize that, to slough off the armor required to live in this culture and open myself up enough to experience the reality that truly is, the reality that can truly be.

And now it's over, and I'm left with paying bills, deadlines at work, traffic jams, boring TV shows and so on. It's almost as if my weekend was a dream. It felt so real and now, *poof*, it's gone. Makes me wonder, did any of that happen?

"Goddesses Gone Wild!"
We had fun with that line, speculating which of our activities might wind up on YouTube. But sorry to disappoint, we didn't actually get beyond a little dancing and some racy humor.

As a quick recap, I'm in this shamanic mystery school based on the 7 chakras. This past weekend, we focused on the heart chakra and goddess energy. Situated in the middle of the chakra system, the heart chakra is about balance, and we directed our energy toward a love-centered foundation for compassion and service to others. Here are a few highlights:

• Love is always unconditional. If it's conditional, it isn't love. Duh.

• Prior to the workshop, we each meditated on the moon and journeyed there. I've developed a strong spiritual connection to one other workshop participant. She showed up in both my meditation and my dream the first night of the workshop.

• We talked about male and female energy (I'm not convinced there's a difference, actually). But the facilitator had constructed this "cylinder" out of 2 hula hoops and ribbon that we could step into. Allegedly, male energy spins one way while female spins the other. Naturally, my hoop rocked back and forth! But while standing there, I totally had serious deja vu, a flashback to a dream or whatever---but I recall an image of me standing inside this thing, not knowing what it was but very curious. Took my breath away and gave me the willies!
  

• We listed 13 goddesses in our own lives and their lessons. Then we discussed various goddesses from different cultures. I pulled Artemis, and it read:

  "I am Artemis, the Greek Goddess of Selfhood. I am here to say that now is the time to pay attention to the whispering voices of your own needs. Now is the time to take yourself back and celebrate and strengthen who you are."

  Which is so appropriate it's scary, given the issues I'm having with my partner. Thank you, Artemis. I don't know how accurate that is historically, but it works for me!
  

• We also learned about cool, freaky stuff like the 13 Egyptian chakras and their harmonies/tones, how to do a crystal chakra layout for someone, huna energy balancing and healing, crystal grids and shamanic body journeying (which I'll briefly explain). We also participated in a heart chakra activation ceremony. And lots of drumming, shaking rattles and a little goddess dancing for those who felt so inclined.
  

My Goddess and Gender Issues
You probably know the pagan world is pretty much divided into goddess energy and god energy, and I get why all that's important. But for those of us like me who don't really fit in either world, it's a bit of a riddle. Where do we fit? I can appreciate feminine qualities and goddess perspectives, but I believe and know there is something beyond that. Gender is so limiting, whether you're male or female. We're so much more.

This came up during our shamanic body journey to the heart. I'll spare you the logistics since they're quite complicated. All that's important is this: I saw a beautiful and fierce sea goddess (and this photo is a pale imitation) whose hair was of seaweed and sea anemones, her limbs were undulating sea creatures, and she swayed with the ocean's currents. This was supposed to be my "goddess within." Most gay men have already found their inner goddess--ha, ha--but was this all?

Then a watery shock wave broke the sea goddess image; it became more androgynous, and then another shock wave made the figure disappear altogether, leaving nothing but pure formlessness and essence. This is it! THAT is me! THAT is all of us! We are not bound by what's between our legs--gods, how limiting! All I could see was water, representing pure energy and spirit. It brought tears to my eyes.

We were also to ask questions of the goddess, so I'll have to backtrack a bit. I asked, "What am I supposed to be doing?" Because I'm always unsure and seem to be going in various directions that never pan out. I initially heard, "Just be," which really bothered me because I'm totally Type A. But then, as I meditated on that image of formlessness (is there such a thing?), I distinctly heard: "I Am."

Whoa--for us former Christians, that smacks of heresy! But it isn't really. It isn't quite the same thing as the Christian god saying, "I am that I am." Sure, I'd still be burned at the stake if this were 1509 but whatever. What that meant to me, if I can even begin to put it into words, is that whatever I'm doing is good and fine and perfect. Whomever I am or become is good and fine and perfect. The same energy in me is the energy is each and every person in this world, past, present and future. And it's the same energy in the plants, the animals, the water, the sun and the stars themselves.

So the goddess in Riverwolf says, "I am. And it's all good, y'all."

"Battlestar Galactica": The Saddest Episode Ever!

Did you have your tissues handy? OMG, this was so frakkin' sad! Poor Caprica, who's wanted a child since the dang series began (or some version of her anyway), finally gets pregnant--and then the poor baby dies while still in the womb all while Tigh is declaring his undying love!

Tragic!

And it seems like it was all due to Ellen's presence since Caprica's problems started when she stepped onto "Galactica." Or maybe it had something to do with Anders being in a coma? Or maybe it was because Caprica had to put the smack down on those bigots in the food line? Who the frak knows--with BSG, there's always so many connections and hints and winks. 'Course, I'm putting my money on some bad mojo from little Hera--she wants her spot back as Promised Child of the Cylon Race, don't ya know.

Best line? Tigh saying, "Grandpa was a power sander!"

And hooray, the Six in Gaius' head is back! Dunno if it's the writing on these characters or the chemistry between the actors, but whenever these 2 get together, BSG is magically funny and diabolical all at once.

I thought this episode was great but, really, are we supposed to believe these conflicted, juvenile, petty Final 5 Cylons are the salvation of anyone or anything? It was all so ... well, Television Without Pity compares it to "Gossip Girl" (which I don't watch), and here's a link to the funny.

And is it true there are only 4 episodes left? I need a drink!

"Battlestar Galactica": The Saddest Episode Ever!

Did you have your tissues handy? OMG, this was so frakkin' sad! Poor Caprica, who's wanted a child since the dang series began (or some version of her anyway), finally gets pregnant--and then the poor baby dies while still in the womb all while Tigh is declaring his undying love!

Tragic!

And it seems like it was all due to Ellen's presence since Caprica's problems started when she stepped onto "Galactica." Or maybe it had something to do with Anders being in a coma? Or maybe it was because Caprica had to put the smack down on those bigots in the food line? Who the frak knows--with BSG, there's always so many connections and hints and winks. 'Course, I'm putting my money on some bad mojo from little Hera--she wants her spot back as Promised Child of the Cylon Race, don't ya know.

Best line? Tigh saying, "Grandpa was a power sander!"

And hooray, the Six in Gaius' head is back! Dunno if it's the writing on these characters or the chemistry between the actors, but whenever these 2 get together, BSG is magically funny and diabolical all at once.

I thought this episode was great but, really, are we supposed to believe these conflicted, juvenile, petty Final 5 Cylons are the salvation of anyone or anything? It was all so ... well, Television Without Pity compares it to "Gossip Girl" (which I don't watch), and here's a link to the funny.

And is it true there are only 4 episodes left? I need a drink!

Another Shamanic Weekend, All Things Goddess--and Artist Shepard Fairey

This weekend I'm participating in another workshop on shamanism. This will be the 4th of 7 workshops, all based on the chakras. We're now at the heart chakra, which apparently has some goddess connections. Don't ask me to explain--I'm sure I'll understand once it's over! In preparation, we've been asked to identify 13 goddesses in our own lives, women who have taught us important lessons. We've also been asked to use the moon as a focus in our meditations.

So I've been rummaging around online, collecting goddess images that appeal to me, when I came across the image above. Titled "Peace Goddess," it was created by Shepard Fairey, perhaps now best known for his iconic "Hope" poster of Barack Obama. He also created the "Defend Equality/Love Unites" image for gay marriage seen in my sidebar to the right.

In thinking about goddesses, his image stand out to me from what you typically see in Western culture--some airy, fairy (no pun intended) semi-naked woman cavorting with critters in some idealized Celtic forest. That's all fine and well, but I like that Fairey's "Peace Goddess" looks directly at you, conveying wisdom, strength and resolve. And we don't need to see her naughty bits to know she's special, regal and worthy of adoration. Ironically, she doesn't look all that peaceful, does she?

And then I got totally distracted. I actually know very little about Fairey, but depending on who ask, he's either a sell-out or a genius, a plagiarist or the next Warhol. He started out as a street graffiti artist who now has his own clothing line and major exhibits of his work. And just to "keep it real," perhaps, he still gets arrested for "tagging."

Well, good for him. But there's something about his images that speak to me. Some say his work too closely mimics the artistic styles of Nazi and Soviet propaganda (making it off limits?). Which is interesting to me, since I wrote a paper years ago on how such art was used by these regimes to help spread their political messages.

But back to goddesses! Thanks, Shepard, for providing me with a modern goddess that I don't have to be embarrassed to admire.

Another Shamanic Weekend, All Things Goddess--and Artist Shepard Fairey

This weekend I'm participating in another workshop on shamanism. This will be the 4th of 7 workshops, all based on the chakras. We're now at the heart chakra, which apparently has some goddess connections. Don't ask me to explain--I'm sure I'll understand once it's over! In preparation, we've been asked to identify 13 goddesses in our own lives, women who have taught us important lessons. We've also been asked to use the moon as a focus in our meditations.

So I've been rummaging around online, collecting goddess images that appeal to me, when I came across the image above. Titled "Peace Goddess," it was created by Shepard Fairey, perhaps now best known for his iconic "Hope" poster of Barack Obama. He also created the "Defend Equality/Love Unites" image for gay marriage seen in my sidebar to the right.

In thinking about goddesses, his image stand out to me from what you typically see in Western culture--some airy, fairy (no pun intended) semi-naked woman cavorting with critters in some idealized Celtic forest. That's all fine and well, but I like that Fairey's "Peace Goddess" looks directly at you, conveying wisdom, strength and resolve. And we don't need to see her naughty bits to know she's special, regal and worthy of adoration. Ironically, she doesn't look all that peaceful, does she?

And then I got totally distracted. I actually know very little about Fairey, but depending on who ask, he's either a sell-out or a genius, a plagiarist or the next Warhol. He started out as a street graffiti artist who now has his own clothing line and major exhibits of his work. And just to "keep it real," perhaps, he still gets arrested for "tagging."

Well, good for him. But there's something about his images that speak to me. Some say his work too closely mimics the artistic styles of Nazi and Soviet propaganda (making it off limits?). Which is interesting to me, since I wrote a paper years ago on how such art was used by these regimes to help spread their political messages.

But back to goddesses! Thanks, Shepard, for providing me with a modern goddess that I don't have to be embarrassed to admire.

Are You Ready to Die?

Have you made your funeral plans? Decided what do with your earthly remains? Not exactly a cocktail conversation, but it's something we all must--or should--think about before we actually kick the bucket. Otherwise, it's left to our family, and they'll put you in that dress you absolutely hated or bury you in some tacky, gilt coffin in a bleak cemetery next to a six-lane highway!

Not that you can do anything about it. You're dead, after all. You probably wouldn't even care, right? Nonetheless, these things do matter to us humans, at least while we're still alive and kicking.

So I've been thinking about my own demise and trying to make plans that reflect who I am and what I consider my values. I do believe that how we bury or otherwise dispose of ourselves accurately reflects what we think about life (and death) and shows what kind of person we were. Just ask any archaeologist.

I plan to walk you through my own decisions and thoughts as I go through this process, and I hope to make it a little humorous, whenever possible. Feel free to share if you've made plans--or why you haven't.

'Tis the Season to Visit the Cemetery
What set all this in motion was a visit with my dad over Christmas. We had an afternoon and nothing planned, so we decided to visit some nearby relatives---except they were all either sick or not home. So we're driving around the countryside trying to decide what to do next when my dad asks if he's ever shown me where his burial plot is. He hadn't, so we headed to the cemetery, which was close by (a disclaimer: the photo in this post is of a peaceful-looking cemetery in Dallas, Texas).

I thought it would be odd to go see where my dad will eventually end up, but it wasn't. It was actually comforting. He knew right where the plot was. We drove into the cemetery and right up to it. He explained that he had 2 plots, one for himself and one for his wife (although I'd be happy shooting her ashes out of a cannon, but that's another story!). He's had the plot for years, and it's paid for except the fees to open and close the plot. And the fees! Dying can be expensive, and I'll get to that.

Standing there looking at the plot was humbling, however, and a little sad. The plot is right next to a driveway through the cemetary and a sidewalk, so it was like condensing my dad's life into this small, nondescript square of earth. But the cemetery is rural, quiet and peaceful, and while he won't really care once he's in the ground, I think it would be a comforting place to revisit and remember him.

Dad wanted to stop by the cemetery office to check on his remaining payments, so off we went across the main street. The office was small but cheerfully decorated for the holiday with a Christmas tree and several red, leafy poinsettias. We spoke to a friendly woman who went through all the records with us. I took her business card so I'd have contact info. Dad seems healthy as a horse but he is in his early 80s now, so the truth is, his time on this earth is running out, and it's good to be prepared.

Everything checked out, and we left. It was helpful to see dad so relatively jovial about all this (I think he passed some of that on to me). And it got me to thinking about my own final resting place. Where did I want to be buried? Which cemetery? Did I want burial or cremation? A cremation plot or a columbarium? And what about a funeral or memorial service? And who would pay for all of this? I quickly realized that I had specific opinions about all of these questions, and also realized that I didn't want to leave it all to the whims of my relatives or just assume it would be paid for by the magic cash fairy.

Next time: Made up like Madame Tussaud's or oven-baked?

Are You Ready to Die?

Have you made your funeral plans? Decided what do with your earthly remains? Not exactly a cocktail conversation, but it's something we all must--or should--think about before we actually kick the bucket. Otherwise, it's left to our family, and they'll put you in that dress you absolutely hated or bury you in some tacky, gilt coffin in a bleak cemetery next to a six-lane highway!

Not that you can do anything about it. You're dead, after all. You probably wouldn't even care, right? Nonetheless, these things do matter to us humans, at least while we're still alive and kicking.

So I've been thinking about my own demise and trying to make plans that reflect who I am and what I consider my values. I do believe that how we bury or otherwise dispose of ourselves accurately reflects what we think about life (and death) and shows what kind of person we were. Just ask any archaeologist.

I plan to walk you through my own decisions and thoughts as I go through this process, and I hope to make it a little humorous, whenever possible. Feel free to share if you've made plans--or why you haven't.

'Tis the Season to Visit the Cemetery
What set all this in motion was a visit with my dad over Christmas. We had an afternoon and nothing planned, so we decided to visit some nearby relatives---except they were all either sick or not home. So we're driving around the countryside trying to decide what to do next when my dad asks if he's ever shown me where his burial plot is. He hadn't, so we headed to the cemetery, which was close by (a disclaimer: the photo in this post is of a peaceful-looking cemetery in Dallas, Texas).

I thought it would be odd to go see where my dad will eventually end up, but it wasn't. It was actually comforting. He knew right where the plot was. We drove into the cemetery and right up to it. He explained that he had 2 plots, one for himself and one for his wife (although I'd be happy shooting her ashes out of a cannon, but that's another story!). He's had the plot for years, and it's paid for except the fees to open and close the plot. And the fees! Dying can be expensive, and I'll get to that.

Standing there looking at the plot was humbling, however, and a little sad. The plot is right next to a driveway through the cemetary and a sidewalk, so it was like condensing my dad's life into this small, nondescript square of earth. But the cemetery is rural, quiet and peaceful, and while he won't really care once he's in the ground, I think it would be a comforting place to revisit and remember him.

Dad wanted to stop by the cemetery office to check on his remaining payments, so off we went across the main street. The office was small but cheerfully decorated for the holiday with a Christmas tree and several red, leafy poinsettias. We spoke to a friendly woman who went through all the records with us. I took her business card so I'd have contact info. Dad seems healthy as a horse but he is in his early 80s now, so the truth is, his time on this earth is running out, and it's good to be prepared.

Everything checked out, and we left. It was helpful to see dad so relatively jovial about all this (I think he passed some of that on to me). And it got me to thinking about my own final resting place. Where did I want to be buried? Which cemetery? Did I want burial or cremation? A cremation plot or a columbarium? And what about a funeral or memorial service? And who would pay for all of this? I quickly realized that I had specific opinions about all of these questions, and also realized that I didn't want to leave it all to the whims of my relatives or just assume it would be paid for by the magic cash fairy.

Next time: Made up like Madame Tussaud's or oven-baked?

Daily Dose of Bollywood: "Dholi Taaro Dhool"

Daily Dose of Bollywood: "Dholi Taaro Dhool"

Guatemala's Prez Strikes New Course with Apology to Cuba

Thought this was interesting, given the 1954 U.S.-led overthrow of the democratically elected government in Guatemala and the subsequent failure of our invasion in 1961 of Cuba.

The newly elected president of Guatemala, Alvaro Colom, has apologized to Fidel Castro and Cuba for allowing Guatemalan land to be used as CIA training bases for participants in the 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion. He says his decision is a gesture of "friendship and brotherhood" between the 2 countries. Colom also criticized the continuing U.S. embargo of Cuba.

It's good to see Guatemala stand up against the U.S., given our past meddling there. Due to Communist panic at the time, the CIA led a coup in 1954 that toppled the government of Jacobo Arbenz Guzman. Instead of bringing peace to the country, it unleashed decades of dictatorial rule and death. But hey, there weren't no Commies, so it's ok!

With his election, Colom is the first leftist president in Guatemala in more than 50 years. Interestingly, he's also an honorary Mayan priest, an honor bestowed on him as thanks for his past work assisting the beleaguered ethnic Mayan majority.

And if you want to read a depressing chapter in American foreign policy and corporate recklessness, brush up on the history of United Fruit/Chiquita in Guatemala. Who knew eating a banana was such a moral quagmire?

Guatemala's Prez Strikes New Course with Apology to Cuba

Thought this was interesting, given the 1954 U.S.-led overthrow of the democratically elected government in Guatemala and the subsequent failure of our invasion in 1961 of Cuba.

The newly elected president of Guatemala, Alvaro Colom, has apologized to Fidel Castro and Cuba for allowing Guatemalan land to be used as CIA training bases for participants in the 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion. He says his decision is a gesture of "friendship and brotherhood" between the 2 countries. Colom also criticized the continuing U.S. embargo of Cuba.

It's good to see Guatemala stand up against the U.S., given our past meddling there. Due to Communist panic at the time, the CIA led a coup in 1954 that toppled the government of Jacobo Arbenz Guzman. Instead of bringing peace to the country, it unleashed decades of dictatorial rule and death. But hey, there weren't no Commies, so it's ok!

With his election, Colom is the first leftist president in Guatemala in more than 50 years. Interestingly, he's also an honorary Mayan priest, an honor bestowed on him as thanks for his past work assisting the beleaguered ethnic Mayan majority.

And if you want to read a depressing chapter in American foreign policy and corporate recklessness, brush up on the history of United Fruit/Chiquita in Guatemala. Who knew eating a banana was such a moral quagmire?

Catching Up on "Battlestar Galactica" Revelations

Thanks the gods we're finally getting some answers! Of course, they came spewing out so fast and furious--and without visuals--that it was hard to keep track.

First, I LOVE that Ellen Tigh is back. I always liked her character and originally thought it was shitty writing that caused her demise. But she's back and better than ever--Mother Superior to the Cylons, if you will.

What I don't like (at least, right now):
Come on, a missing Cylon skin-job that we didn't know about named Daniel? Really? The brains behind Galactica: Variants isn't too happy, and I agree. It's lame to introduce a mysterious character that's never even been hinted at now at the very end to help explain everything! It's just too convenient and lazy.

I'm also not too keen on Cavil essentially being the bad seed, the bitter first-born son with mommy/daddy issues who is out to prove he's someone. Been there, read that. On one hand, how human for a machine to feel this way; how ironic, especially for one that yearns to be the perfect machine.

But then it is interesting, I'll admit. Cavil's always been a pleasure to hate, and now we have more reason! The folks over at Television Without Pity wrap it up so nicely. Cavil has destroyed 12 planets, erased the memory of the Cylon creators from the minds of his brothers and sisters, captured and wiped the Final 5 only to place them in the nuclear Holocaust, tried to wipe out all religion as well as knowledge of the Final 5, gouged out his daddy's eye, had sex with his mama--got it? Boy, is he fucked up!

Strangely, it all works! But I'm not really in favor of giant soap operas set in space, which is essentially what "Star Wars" turned out to be in the end.

But for what it's worth, TWP has an interesting theory about Starbuck, now that this mysterious Daniel has been introduced (or will be soon). Ellen mentions Daniel was a painter. Guess who's our other resident artiste? Starbuck! Remember her painting all those whorls and nebulas? So maybe before all the copies of Daniel were poisoned and killed, at least one had sex with a lovely blonde female human--Starbuck's mom (pictured)! Therefore all the "you're special, Kara" blubber we've been hearing for so long.

This would explain how she could die and then show up again--with all her memories intact. She's the first Cylon/human offspring! Which kinda makes Hera an also-ran. Sorry, sweetie.

Will love win in the end?
Speaking of Hera and her own mommy, the Sharons. We see that Boomer escapes the base ship with Ellen. Which could mean Boomer will be reunited with Tyrol at long last. Which may be aw-shucks-sweet since they're both Cylons now and can finally be in love! Now that would make me really happy. After all, Boomer's life has sucked recently as has Tyrol's, so it would help the show come a big full circle to have those 2 back together for the finale!

What do you think?

Catching Up on "Battlestar Galactica" Revelations

Thanks the gods we're finally getting some answers! Of course, they came spewing out so fast and furious--and without visuals--that it was hard to keep track.

First, I LOVE that Ellen Tigh is back. I always liked her character and originally thought it was shitty writing that caused her demise. But she's back and better than ever--Mother Superior to the Cylons, if you will.

What I don't like (at least, right now):
Come on, a missing Cylon skin-job that we didn't know about named Daniel? Really? The brains behind Galactica: Variants isn't too happy, and I agree. It's lame to introduce a mysterious character that's never even been hinted at now at the very end to help explain everything! It's just too convenient and lazy.

I'm also not too keen on Cavil essentially being the bad seed, the bitter first-born son with mommy/daddy issues who is out to prove he's someone. Been there, read that. On one hand, how human for a machine to feel this way; how ironic, especially for one that yearns to be the perfect machine.

But then it is interesting, I'll admit. Cavil's always been a pleasure to hate, and now we have more reason! The folks over at Television Without Pity wrap it up so nicely. Cavil has destroyed 12 planets, erased the memory of the Cylon creators from the minds of his brothers and sisters, captured and wiped the Final 5 only to place them in the nuclear Holocaust, tried to wipe out all religion as well as knowledge of the Final 5, gouged out his daddy's eye, had sex with his mama--got it? Boy, is he fucked up!

Strangely, it all works! But I'm not really in favor of giant soap operas set in space, which is essentially what "Star Wars" turned out to be in the end.

But for what it's worth, TWP has an interesting theory about Starbuck, now that this mysterious Daniel has been introduced (or will be soon). Ellen mentions Daniel was a painter. Guess who's our other resident artiste? Starbuck! Remember her painting all those whorls and nebulas? So maybe before all the copies of Daniel were poisoned and killed, at least one had sex with a lovely blonde female human--Starbuck's mom (pictured)! Therefore all the "you're special, Kara" blubber we've been hearing for so long.

This would explain how she could die and then show up again--with all her memories intact. She's the first Cylon/human offspring! Which kinda makes Hera an also-ran. Sorry, sweetie.

Will love win in the end?
Speaking of Hera and her own mommy, the Sharons. We see that Boomer escapes the base ship with Ellen. Which could mean Boomer will be reunited with Tyrol at long last. Which may be aw-shucks-sweet since they're both Cylons now and can finally be in love! Now that would make me really happy. After all, Boomer's life has sucked recently as has Tyrol's, so it would help the show come a big full circle to have those 2 back together for the finale!

What do you think?

We're Going to Work Things Out--Again

Maybe I'm crazy, but I can't give up just yet on my partner. I didn't sleep well Saturday night, and when I awoke the next morning, nothing seemed resolved in my head or heart. Meanwhile, he had left numerous messages. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I did go home briefly Saturday night to talk with him in person. We were both calm and he seemed to be coming around that, yes, he has a drinking problem. We ate a quick dinner but then I left to stay with my sister. Couldn't stay in the house and needed space to sort things out.

Of his voice and text messages, some were tearful and he pleaded with me not to leave; others were sweet and thoughtful. It's hard to argue with that. And it's hard to argue also with someone who, when they're standing in front of you and begin to cry--this from someone who isn't prone to showy displays of emotion. I'll admit it was nice to see that I had hit a nerve and he really did seem to care what happened to us.

Looking for direction and wisdom
So that was later on Sunday. But before I go to that point, I needed some type of direction. The previous night, I took my tarot cards and did a full Celtic Cross spread. I had never done this type of reading before and it's supposed to be one of the most popular layouts. I don't take these things literally, but I've found the cards helpful for breaking through my own psychic defenses and getting to the truth of the matter.


I spent a good deal of time with the cards, and honestly, could have read them in a number of ways. My question was: "Should I give my partner another chance?" Some cards seemed to say "no" while others pointed me toward "yes." One particular card stood out: the Page of Cups. Within the spread I used, this card represented the immediate future of the situation. Of the interpretations offered, one suggested that communication was closed and another needed my help to express some emotion or truth that is keeping them feeling down. Sure, you can read what you want into that, but it attached itself to my brain and wouldn't let go. I also saw that it could mean that by leaving him, I might actually help. Tricky.

So I slept on it. The next morning, still unsettled, I drove back home to the Grove. My partner was away for the morning, and I felt I needed a walk in the woods. It had been some time since I had been in the woods, and I was hoping something might click into place. I walked to a favorite place by one of the ponds and watched the wind ripple the surface of the water. It was a brisk but sunny morning. A large blue heron flew by twice, and I was surprised to hear tree frogs croaking so early in the season.


Naturally, I tried to remember what these creatures symbolize. For many, the heron is a good omen, a lucky sign, and some Native Americans saw it as a call to go with the natural flow of things. Frogs are often thought to symbolize strength during life's transitions.

But it was cool and I had forgotten my jacket, so I didn't stay too long. And yet, I felt much more calm, peaceful, at rest, than I had in 2 days. When I got a message from my partner that he wanted to talk around lunchtime, I said yes. And I felt it was the right thing to do. So that's when he teared up, when we saw each other the first time yesterday. And I already knew that I would at least go home that night, take it one day at a time, so to speak, and see what happens next.

We talked about his drinking and he said he would set up another appointment with our former couples' counselor. He said he would try out Alcoholics Anonymous. One thing I did not do is make any decisions for him--this has been one of my faults, trying to save him, trying too hard to help. As a result, he doesn't have to take any responsibility. When he asked if I thought I should never drink again, I simply replied that he needed to make that decision.

Is any decision ever the "right" one?
I kept worrying about what the "right" decision was, for him and for me. Then I got a unexpected email from a friend that runs Mountain Light Sanctuary, a retreat center in North Carolina. It was a mass email to folks who had signed up for his newsletter. In it, he talked about how there are no distinctions between "good" decisions and "bad" ones. He relayed an old Chinese proverb that explains this. Basically, we can see "good" or "bad" wherever we want, depending on our circumstances. Regardless, each decision is an opportunity for education, for learning more about ourselves and those around us. There aren't necessarily winners and losers in this life, if you don't buy into the competitive, individualistic grid that is imposed on our culture.

So I don't know if what I've decided is "right"--but that seems irrelevant. I've made my decision, for now. Tomorrow may hold something different. Best thing is I do feel at peace at the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment--it's much appreciated.

We're Going to Work Things Out--Again

Maybe I'm crazy, but I can't give up just yet on my partner. I didn't sleep well Saturday night, and when I awoke the next morning, nothing seemed resolved in my head or heart. Meanwhile, he had left numerous messages. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I did go home briefly Saturday night to talk with him in person. We were both calm and he seemed to be coming around that, yes, he has a drinking problem. We ate a quick dinner but then I left to stay with my sister. Couldn't stay in the house and needed space to sort things out.

Of his voice and text messages, some were tearful and he pleaded with me not to leave; others were sweet and thoughtful. It's hard to argue with that. And it's hard to argue also with someone who, when they're standing in front of you and begin to cry--this from someone who isn't prone to showy displays of emotion. I'll admit it was nice to see that I had hit a nerve and he really did seem to care what happened to us.

Looking for direction and wisdom
So that was later on Sunday. But before I go to that point, I needed some type of direction. The previous night, I took my tarot cards and did a full Celtic Cross spread. I had never done this type of reading before and it's supposed to be one of the most popular layouts. I don't take these things literally, but I've found the cards helpful for breaking through my own psychic defenses and getting to the truth of the matter.


I spent a good deal of time with the cards, and honestly, could have read them in a number of ways. My question was: "Should I give my partner another chance?" Some cards seemed to say "no" while others pointed me toward "yes." One particular card stood out: the Page of Cups. Within the spread I used, this card represented the immediate future of the situation. Of the interpretations offered, one suggested that communication was closed and another needed my help to express some emotion or truth that is keeping them feeling down. Sure, you can read what you want into that, but it attached itself to my brain and wouldn't let go. I also saw that it could mean that by leaving him, I might actually help. Tricky.

So I slept on it. The next morning, still unsettled, I drove back home to the Grove. My partner was away for the morning, and I felt I needed a walk in the woods. It had been some time since I had been in the woods, and I was hoping something might click into place. I walked to a favorite place by one of the ponds and watched the wind ripple the surface of the water. It was a brisk but sunny morning. A large blue heron flew by twice, and I was surprised to hear tree frogs croaking so early in the season.


Naturally, I tried to remember what these creatures symbolize. For many, the heron is a good omen, a lucky sign, and some Native Americans saw it as a call to go with the natural flow of things. Frogs are often thought to symbolize strength during life's transitions.

But it was cool and I had forgotten my jacket, so I didn't stay too long. And yet, I felt much more calm, peaceful, at rest, than I had in 2 days. When I got a message from my partner that he wanted to talk around lunchtime, I said yes. And I felt it was the right thing to do. So that's when he teared up, when we saw each other the first time yesterday. And I already knew that I would at least go home that night, take it one day at a time, so to speak, and see what happens next.

We talked about his drinking and he said he would set up another appointment with our former couples' counselor. He said he would try out Alcoholics Anonymous. One thing I did not do is make any decisions for him--this has been one of my faults, trying to save him, trying too hard to help. As a result, he doesn't have to take any responsibility. When he asked if I thought I should never drink again, I simply replied that he needed to make that decision.

Is any decision ever the "right" one?
I kept worrying about what the "right" decision was, for him and for me. Then I got a unexpected email from a friend that runs Mountain Light Sanctuary, a retreat center in North Carolina. It was a mass email to folks who had signed up for his newsletter. In it, he talked about how there are no distinctions between "good" decisions and "bad" ones. He relayed an old Chinese proverb that explains this. Basically, we can see "good" or "bad" wherever we want, depending on our circumstances. Regardless, each decision is an opportunity for education, for learning more about ourselves and those around us. There aren't necessarily winners and losers in this life, if you don't buy into the competitive, individualistic grid that is imposed on our culture.

So I don't know if what I've decided is "right"--but that seems irrelevant. I've made my decision, for now. Tomorrow may hold something different. Best thing is I do feel at peace at the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment--it's much appreciated.

Ever Break Up on Valentine's Day?

I guess you can say I did.

How dramatic, right? Well, maybe it's time for a little drama. I've been way too loving, too understanding, too foolish for too long.

I was worried about going with my partner to our friend's birthday party last night, worried that he would get drunk again and break all his promises to me, once again. It didn't happen exactly like that, but here's how it went down.

Yesterday I delivered several Valentines Day balloons to his office. Aw, sweet, right? Then I get home, and all seems ok at first. Then I spot the small bottle of vodka on the kitchen counter--and it's like time froze. I caught my breath--I knew this would happen. I'm certainly no psychic, but I'm not stupid either. A little foolish, yes, but not stupid.

He comes in and says, "I bought this so we could both have a cocktail" or something like that. I hadn't asked for a cocktail. But it's obvious that he cannot stop drinking. From the looks of the bottle, he had already had 2 drinks by the time I walked in the door. I didn't say anything at first, didn't even acknowledge what he had said. Needed time to think. Then he gave me a cute Valentines Day card.

Meanwhile, I just wanted this evening to end, and it had only just begun. So we went to the party, and it was fun to see some friends we haven't seen in years. I didn't keep track but he had at least 5 drinks at the party. I'm sure that's why he seemed all relaxed for a change. We left early and I drove home. He wasn't as drunk as I've seen him, but I certainly wasn't going to let him drive.

Back home, we watched "Battlestar Galactica" and went to bed. He fell asleep while I tried to figure out what the hell to do next. I had told him 2 weeks ago that it was over unless he quit drinking and got some help. None of which he has done. And he isn't able to do it. And there's nothing I can do about that.

This morning, I woke up early, unsure of what to do. Forgive him? Give him one more chance, again and again? What for? It's clear nothing's going to change. Am I doing the right thing? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to leave him. But this is crazy.

So I got up early, quietly threw some things in a backpack and dressed while he slept. I had planned to surprise him with a card and some wonderful chocolate truffles from the local chocolate shop. Well, that seemed silly given the circumstances. They were all neatly packed in a beautiful red satin box. Nice, right? He had broken my heart, so I wanted to make that clear. I stomped on the box and then ripped the lid in half. I wrote a short note on the card and left.

I drove to my sister's house and talked to her. She's been in similar relationships, and she's also a pretty tough cookie. I needed to focus on how to disentangle myself from my partner. Emotions would only get in the way. Eventually I left and have been working some today. I even took in the new film "Push" (fun but it eventually drags and the ending is a quasi-letdown).

Now what? How do you leave someone you love and walk away from 15 years of relationship? He's already left zillions of messages for me today. The plan is to go back home tonight and talk, tell him my plan is to leave, that it's over. I've made my decision. I know it's the best one--but it hurts like hell.

Yeah, Happy Valentines Day.

Ever Break Up on Valentine's Day?

I guess you can say I did.

How dramatic, right? Well, maybe it's time for a little drama. I've been way too loving, too understanding, too foolish for too long.

I was worried about going with my partner to our friend's birthday party last night, worried that he would get drunk again and break all his promises to me, once again. It didn't happen exactly like that, but here's how it went down.

Yesterday I delivered several Valentines Day balloons to his office. Aw, sweet, right? Then I get home, and all seems ok at first. Then I spot the small bottle of vodka on the kitchen counter--and it's like time froze. I caught my breath--I knew this would happen. I'm certainly no psychic, but I'm not stupid either. A little foolish, yes, but not stupid.

He comes in and says, "I bought this so we could both have a cocktail" or something like that. I hadn't asked for a cocktail. But it's obvious that he cannot stop drinking. From the looks of the bottle, he had already had 2 drinks by the time I walked in the door. I didn't say anything at first, didn't even acknowledge what he had said. Needed time to think. Then he gave me a cute Valentines Day card.

Meanwhile, I just wanted this evening to end, and it had only just begun. So we went to the party, and it was fun to see some friends we haven't seen in years. I didn't keep track but he had at least 5 drinks at the party. I'm sure that's why he seemed all relaxed for a change. We left early and I drove home. He wasn't as drunk as I've seen him, but I certainly wasn't going to let him drive.

Back home, we watched "Battlestar Galactica" and went to bed. He fell asleep while I tried to figure out what the hell to do next. I had told him 2 weeks ago that it was over unless he quit drinking and got some help. None of which he has done. And he isn't able to do it. And there's nothing I can do about that.

This morning, I woke up early, unsure of what to do. Forgive him? Give him one more chance, again and again? What for? It's clear nothing's going to change. Am I doing the right thing? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to leave him. But this is crazy.

So I got up early, quietly threw some things in a backpack and dressed while he slept. I had planned to surprise him with a card and some wonderful chocolate truffles from the local chocolate shop. Well, that seemed silly given the circumstances. They were all neatly packed in a beautiful red satin box. Nice, right? He had broken my heart, so I wanted to make that clear. I stomped on the box and then ripped the lid in half. I wrote a short note on the card and left.

I drove to my sister's house and talked to her. She's been in similar relationships, and she's also a pretty tough cookie. I needed to focus on how to disentangle myself from my partner. Emotions would only get in the way. Eventually I left and have been working some today. I even took in the new film "Push" (fun but it eventually drags and the ending is a quasi-letdown).

Now what? How do you leave someone you love and walk away from 15 years of relationship? He's already left zillions of messages for me today. The plan is to go back home tonight and talk, tell him my plan is to leave, that it's over. I've made my decision. I know it's the best one--but it hurts like hell.

Yeah, Happy Valentines Day.

Full Disclosure and My Recent Experience with Al-Anon

I don't like to write very long posts, but a warning, this one may be a doozy. Gotta lot to say today, so if you stick with me, there's a special place in heaven, nirvanna, valhalla or wherever, just for you.

Full disclosure: My partner is an alcoholic. I may have mentioned his "drinking problem" at some point, and I was going to be all organized and review my previous posts--but I ain't got time for all that. The odd part is that I think I've been in denial for some time. It's odd because this situation has gradually worsened over years and years, so slowly that I didn't even notice. Until now, when I'm left wondering how in the hell did I end up where I am. It's like that frog-in-boiling-water metaphor: Put a frog in a pot of water and gradually turn up the heat, and he'll never think to jump out, even when it's too late. Yep, call me froggy.

It doesn't help that my partner also had a stroke recently, so the fun part is that you really can't tell between "drunk" and "oh, he's having a stroke." But the stroke did bring out the alcoholism into full view. Of course, true to the signs of an alcoholic, my partner denies that he is one. It's always me overreacting and nagging and being a drag. This is why I began going to counseling a year ago, and it helped me get a better, truer perspective on what is really going on.

We also attended couples' counseling briefly, and it helped for a while. But he's already broken any promises he made to me about curtailing his drinking. There have been a few crazy moments in which he drank so much that he didn't know where he was; he would stumble into walls and door jambs, and completely forget what had happened during his drinking spell. Add to this all the medications he's on, and it's just suicidal. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. We had had a nice evening--until I realized how drunk he was. I lost it. Screaming, crying and so on. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. When he eventually came to bed, he couldn't find the bathroom but did manage to run into a wall or two. So I decided--after much deep breathing--that I would tell him in the morning, when he was sober, that it was over. I didn't want to live like this. I love him and he is a good person, but I can't handle the drinking. It's pulling me under.

So I did it. I told him it was over. And maybe this next part was a mistake, but I then told him that the only way I would stay is if he gave up alcohol completely and got some help. He didn't say much, and I moved into the extra bedroom. A day or so later, the liquor (but not the beer or wine) in the house was gone, and we talked. He sorta admitted he had a problem. He also talked to a relative about the situation, and she basically told him he did need help. So I thought, well, if he's going to try, let's see where this goes. I decided to give him one more chance, and I told him not to make me regret it.

Well, I think it's just a matter of time before we're really over. He's drinking beer or wine with the justification that he doesn't drink as much of that as he would of liquor. Oddly, I've become quite detached from the situation. I've said very little, no fights, no anger--just observing to see what will happen, what he will do. I worried over going to a fundraising gala recently because they would have an open bar. Yes, he drank too much; it wasn't unbearable, but it's obvious to everyone but himself that he's an alcoholic. But the evening wasn't so bad that it caused me to leave.

Now I think I see withdrawal symptoms setting in. He's become short and snippy with me over nothing, and his trademark sense of humor--the main reason I love him so--has all but disappeared. For whatever reasons, he's a very unhappy man. So tonight we're attending a friend's birthday party at a local restaurant, and I'm curious to see what will happen. Will he drink himself into a stupor? I'm not going to stop him if he does. I don't want it to happen, but I'm through trying to intervene and "save" him.

Which brings me to Al-Anon. If you don't know, it's a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics, based on the same 12-step philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our counselor suggested I go, and I resisted at first. I felt like I had done all I had the energy to do, and I wasn't going to add one more thing to my schedule because of "his problem." Maybe that isn't "loving," but there you go. But after the most recent escapade, I decided to go out of desperation. After all, I had finally realized he could not control the drinking. I had finally realized this was going to destroy our relationship. If nothing else, at least maybe I could find some support for what I needed to do next.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting 2 weeks ago. On the positive side, it was encouraging to hear others' experiences and to realize that I'm not just imagining these problems and situations. It was also encouraging to hear them talk about this detachment that I mentioned. Al-Anon stresses allowing the alcoholic to do what they will--as long as you are safe--and suffer whatever consequences arise. The mantra goes: "I didn't cause this. I can't control it. And I can't cure it." All that said, each of us must accept responsibility for our own actions and be prepared for difficult choices.

On the negative side, Al-Anon seems a little cultish. I didn't expect that all the talk about "my higher power" or "God" would make my skin crawl. Sure, I know it's helpful for so many, and I can try to look past the language in order to get the benefits, but it still unnerves me. Maybe that just means that I have finally jettisoned the remnants of my former Christian belief. But there's so much "groupspeak" that I'm wondering if some of these people aren't unstable themselves. They talk about their "own insanity." Sure, we all have issues, but it's arrogant and condescending to equate relationship challenges with real, true mental illness. Yes, I have been in denial about my partner's alcoholism for so long, but I'm hardly insane. Maybe I'm misinformed, but to me "insane" is someone who takes a semi-automatic weapon and shoots up a shopping mall. Maybe a minor quibble.

But it's almost like some of these people now get their identity by being "in love with an alcoholic." It consumes their life, and it seems to me they're not really living out Al-Anon principles. Maybe they're choosing to stay with their loved one. And some have children or parents, I realize, and it's not so easy to let them go. Maybe this is just my path, but now that I see what's really going on, I'm taking the approach "no more excuses!"

Today was my 2nd Al-Anon visit. Very helpful. We again talked about loving detachment, what it is and what it isn't. That helps. But I'm not buying all their recommendations--attending every meeting, working the 12 steps myself and all that. I'm sure they would say that's part of my problem. Hmmm, isn't that what cults say? It reminds me of when, ages ago, I almost was swallowed alive by the beast that is Amway. It's totally a cult--trust me!

I digress. So tonight will be interesting. Will he drink too much and where will that lead? What will my reaction be? Oh yeah, and tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now this is "real" reality TV! Stay tuned.