Joe Dirt Does '80s Aerobics!

Yep, this is my Halloween costume for the office.

Several of us dressed up as an '80s aerobics team. We're talking the giant boom box, leg warmers, headbands--the works! And I was workin' the mullet (which I kinda, sorta did for real back in the '80s, but it was the cool "Bono/U2" mullet!), a la Joe Dirt.

Hey, it won our team free pizza!

Joe Dirt Does '80s Aerobics!

Yep, this is my Halloween costume for the office.

Several of us dressed up as an '80s aerobics team. We're talking the giant boom box, leg warmers, headbands--the works! And I was workin' the mullet (which I kinda, sorta did for real back in the '80s, but it was the cool "Bono/U2" mullet!), a la Joe Dirt.

Hey, it won our team free pizza!

Pumpkin of Hope

Saw this wonderful jack o'lantern over at Nathan Exposed (a great blog) and just had to share. Wonderful job of carving, Nathan!

Pumpkin of Hope

Saw this wonderful jack o'lantern over at Nathan Exposed (a great blog) and just had to share. Wonderful job of carving, Nathan!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I know--scary, right?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I know--scary, right?

Latest Shamanic Weekend: Am I a Spiritual Warrior From Atlantis?

So my latest shamanic workshop was this past weekend. It was centered around the solar plexus chakra and focused on spiritual power or our tasks as spiritual warriors. We explored energy fields, qi gong and tai chi, as well as basic "warrior" skills, including self-defense, some martial arts and plan old body language. What I love about these workshops is the merging on ordinary, mundane things, like body language, and its application on a spiritual level. For example, instead of reading someone's body language to get ahead in the corporate world, as I was always taught, how about reading the signs to better understand someone and connect with them spiritually? Sounds good to me.

Oh yeah, and I totally broke a pine board with my foot! I've never had any martial arts training at all, and it was a piece of cake. Essentially, you focus your energy beyond the board--sort of like in "The Matrix" when Neo is told "there is no spoon." Couldn't break the concrete paver, however, but a few other folks did. I'll break it next time!

So I'm still skeptical about a lot of this stuff, but I will say this, after these workshops, I feel so much more centered, calm and authentically me than on any other day. Except maybe when I'm writing.

So What's This About Atlantis?
Oh yeah, I mentioned Atlantis. Here's where it gets really freaky. I promise I'm not on drugs! On the second day we sat outside in a semi-circle for our "journey to the sun" (the sun being associated with warrior energy as well as fire and the solar plexus chakra). Beyond that, I'm not really sure why we were going to the sun, but what the hell, sounds like fun.

The facilitator drums and leads us into the journey. I'll skip the details, but we basically travel into the center of the sun where there is located a transportation hub of sorts, something like an airport terminal. We were told there were portals to other worlds and dimensions here, and to select one to enter and travel. Now, let me say I've never attempted this type of journey before, and we weren't told to expect any specific kind of experience whatsoever. Yet what I did experience was quite surprising and emotional.

With my eyes closed and imagining myself in this terminal, I see one portal that stand out (nothing special about it visually, however). So I approach and enter, and suddenly find myself sucked into some sort of water tube, as if a giant Hawaiian wave has crashed over me and pulled me under, churning the surf all around. I come up in a great, blue ocean as far as the eye can see. Two beings like the "Creature from the Black Lagoon" appear carrying tridents, and I assume they were some sort of sentry for the portal. They don't speak but I somehow understand this.

Next, schools of dolphins and colorful fish swim up to me, as if they're a welcoming party. Without any hesitation, I dive under the water and begin to swim with them as if this were the most natural thing in the world. And I can breathe underwater!

Then come the very real emotions, which I was not prepared for. I felt like I was some place very familiar, a place I knew but hadn't seen in a long, long time. It all felt to right, so comforting--the swimming, the creatures, the water. I knew how to do it all and I "knew" I belonged there.

Before I describe more of what I saw, let me add a little backstory that makes this freakier.

• As a kid, swimming was one thing I loved the most, and I've never been afraid of water or the ocean.
• Breathing underwater was always the one "super power" I wanted.
• Aquaman, Sub Mariner were my favorite super heroes.
  
• I was obsessed with dolphins as a kid. I loved shows like "Flipper" and "The Man From Atlantis."
  
• I went to a college hundreds of miles away from my home where I knew no one--the campus was 15 minutes from the beach, located next to a river, and our mascot was a dolphin.
• I once dreamed of being a marine biologist and even wrote a fictional story about one. Also once considered being in the Coast Guard.
  
• A recurring dream from my childhood had me under water in some sort of vessel and surrounded by fantastic sea creatures.
  

Back to the journey. I'm swimming with the fishes, and then we pass over this reef. A giant underwater city appears and we approach. I'm amazed at how elegant all the structures are and how colorful everything is. We enter this corridor and then I'm led by 2 mermen through a building. I keep asking where we are but no one answers. When I finally ask, "Is this Atlantis?" they say, "It goes by many names."

I have no idea where they're taking me, but we soon enter this giant indoor stadium or great hall, ringed with people in seats. There's such a commotion, and I wonder what it's all about. One tall being approaches, dressed in elegant robes and carrying a sceptre. I can't tell if it's a man or a woman, very androgynous. Without speaking, I ask (telepathically?) what this celebration is all about. Without much explanation, the being smiles and says "welcome home."

A garland of sea grass or some other green underwater plant is placed around my neck and I'm given an object that appears silver or metal. It's carved or sculpted, but I don't recognize the design. It's small, just fits in my hand.

Then I realize it's time for me to return to Earth. I'm mostly surprised and perplexed by all this, still feeling the very real emotions of returning to a familiar place. I'm told I can return again any time, but it seems I have things to do on Earth right now. So I'm escorted back out of the hall by the mermen and then make my way back to the portal.

Seriously, as I experienced this, I almost broke out in tears. The facilitator didn't interpret our experiences, but others said it could be this place was my true homeworld or dimension. And yes, it could have been Atlantis. But come on--none of that is real! So why was I about to blubber over some imaginary dolphins? And why did I envision an underwater world as opposed to, say, a medieval kingdom on Earth? Why the ocean theme?

I can't explain any of it. If anyone reading this has had similar experiences or even heard about something like this, let me know. Maybe I just accessed some subconscious emotions or needs, and this is how they manifested. I promise you, no alcohol, drugs, not even caffeine, were involved in this experience! In the end, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this info. I probably need to email the workshop facilitator and get his input, and do some reading and online research. I'll keep you posted on any interesting findings!

Latest Shamanic Weekend: Am I a Spiritual Warrior From Atlantis?

So my latest shamanic workshop was this past weekend. It was centered around the solar plexus chakra and focused on spiritual power or our tasks as spiritual warriors. We explored energy fields, qi gong and tai chi, as well as basic "warrior" skills, including self-defense, some martial arts and plan old body language. What I love about these workshops is the merging on ordinary, mundane things, like body language, and its application on a spiritual level. For example, instead of reading someone's body language to get ahead in the corporate world, as I was always taught, how about reading the signs to better understand someone and connect with them spiritually? Sounds good to me.

Oh yeah, and I totally broke a pine board with my foot! I've never had any martial arts training at all, and it was a piece of cake. Essentially, you focus your energy beyond the board--sort of like in "The Matrix" when Neo is told "there is no spoon." Couldn't break the concrete paver, however, but a few other folks did. I'll break it next time!

So I'm still skeptical about a lot of this stuff, but I will say this, after these workshops, I feel so much more centered, calm and authentically me than on any other day. Except maybe when I'm writing.

So What's This About Atlantis?
Oh yeah, I mentioned Atlantis. Here's where it gets really freaky. I promise I'm not on drugs! On the second day we sat outside in a semi-circle for our "journey to the sun" (the sun being associated with warrior energy as well as fire and the solar plexus chakra). Beyond that, I'm not really sure why we were going to the sun, but what the hell, sounds like fun.

The facilitator drums and leads us into the journey. I'll skip the details, but we basically travel into the center of the sun where there is located a transportation hub of sorts, something like an airport terminal. We were told there were portals to other worlds and dimensions here, and to select one to enter and travel. Now, let me say I've never attempted this type of journey before, and we weren't told to expect any specific kind of experience whatsoever. Yet what I did experience was quite surprising and emotional.

With my eyes closed and imagining myself in this terminal, I see one portal that stand out (nothing special about it visually, however). So I approach and enter, and suddenly find myself sucked into some sort of water tube, as if a giant Hawaiian wave has crashed over me and pulled me under, churning the surf all around. I come up in a great, blue ocean as far as the eye can see. Two beings like the "Creature from the Black Lagoon" appear carrying tridents, and I assume they were some sort of sentry for the portal. They don't speak but I somehow understand this.

Next, schools of dolphins and colorful fish swim up to me, as if they're a welcoming party. Without any hesitation, I dive under the water and begin to swim with them as if this were the most natural thing in the world. And I can breathe underwater!

Then come the very real emotions, which I was not prepared for. I felt like I was some place very familiar, a place I knew but hadn't seen in a long, long time. It all felt to right, so comforting--the swimming, the creatures, the water. I knew how to do it all and I "knew" I belonged there.

Before I describe more of what I saw, let me add a little backstory that makes this freakier.

• As a kid, swimming was one thing I loved the most, and I've never been afraid of water or the ocean.
• Breathing underwater was always the one "super power" I wanted.
• Aquaman, Sub Mariner were my favorite super heroes.
  
• I was obsessed with dolphins as a kid. I loved shows like "Flipper" and "The Man From Atlantis."
  
• I went to a college hundreds of miles away from my home where I knew no one--the campus was 15 minutes from the beach, located next to a river, and our mascot was a dolphin.
• I once dreamed of being a marine biologist and even wrote a fictional story about one. Also once considered being in the Coast Guard.
  
• A recurring dream from my childhood had me under water in some sort of vessel and surrounded by fantastic sea creatures.
  

Back to the journey. I'm swimming with the fishes, and then we pass over this reef. A giant underwater city appears and we approach. I'm amazed at how elegant all the structures are and how colorful everything is. We enter this corridor and then I'm led by 2 mermen through a building. I keep asking where we are but no one answers. When I finally ask, "Is this Atlantis?" they say, "It goes by many names."

I have no idea where they're taking me, but we soon enter this giant indoor stadium or great hall, ringed with people in seats. There's such a commotion, and I wonder what it's all about. One tall being approaches, dressed in elegant robes and carrying a sceptre. I can't tell if it's a man or a woman, very androgynous. Without speaking, I ask (telepathically?) what this celebration is all about. Without much explanation, the being smiles and says "welcome home."

A garland of sea grass or some other green underwater plant is placed around my neck and I'm given an object that appears silver or metal. It's carved or sculpted, but I don't recognize the design. It's small, just fits in my hand.

Then I realize it's time for me to return to Earth. I'm mostly surprised and perplexed by all this, still feeling the very real emotions of returning to a familiar place. I'm told I can return again any time, but it seems I have things to do on Earth right now. So I'm escorted back out of the hall by the mermen and then make my way back to the portal.

Seriously, as I experienced this, I almost broke out in tears. The facilitator didn't interpret our experiences, but others said it could be this place was my true homeworld or dimension. And yes, it could have been Atlantis. But come on--none of that is real! So why was I about to blubber over some imaginary dolphins? And why did I envision an underwater world as opposed to, say, a medieval kingdom on Earth? Why the ocean theme?

I can't explain any of it. If anyone reading this has had similar experiences or even heard about something like this, let me know. Maybe I just accessed some subconscious emotions or needs, and this is how they manifested. I promise you, no alcohol, drugs, not even caffeine, were involved in this experience! In the end, I'm not quite sure what to do with all this info. I probably need to email the workshop facilitator and get his input, and do some reading and online research. I'll keep you posted on any interesting findings!

Creepy, Scary, Spooky Post--Final Week: Haunted Houses

If you're like me, you absolutely love haunted houses. As soon as the signs go up around town, I start planning my Halloween calendar. I'll admit, I don't go as much now that I'm older. Instead, I drive by and gaze wistfully out the window at the signs promising to scare the bejesus out of you.

I'm also usually disappointed. You wait in line, expecting ghastly ghouls and working up a good scream only to walk through completely bored and unsurprised. They jump out, grab and swing at you but you totally see it coming. The costumers and make-up are bad, the music or sound are all wrong. Who are these amateurs!?

Not the actual haunted house but closely resembles it!

The Best Haunted House Ever!
That got me to thinking about what I consider the best haunted house ever. I was a senior in high school, and the haunted house was right up the street from my house at the local science center. Yeah, sounds weird but this is actually where it gets good. The science center was actually a former mental asylum! I'm talking seriously old school, where they apparently put people in what looked like cages and never let them out, way before the entire mental health system was reformed. I think the building was originally constructed in the 1920s. The science center only took up a few buildings, so they used one of the empty ones for the haunted house.


Whoever orchestrated this thing had it right. They knew the perfect timing--not too slow to where you remember this is all fake but fast enough to keep you unprepared for what's next. Costumes were great, sound, special effects and lights spot on. It didn't hurt that they had a whole insane-zombies-are-out-to-kill-you backstory. They even took you through part of the old asylum where there were real, true metal cages, and there were plenty of "crazies" waiting to break out and chase you down. Hell, even the tram ride was scary! It took you from the parking lot through the darkened woods way to the back of the property. Again, perfect timing and placement for whatever happened to jump out from the darkness. Coolest of all, this wasn't some big-time operation but just the local science center having some fun.

Or maybe it was just being 17. But I've always compared every other haunted house to this one. Some have been pretty good but not one has ever been better.

Got a favorite you'd like to share?

Creepy, Scary, Spooky Post--Final Week: Haunted Houses

If you're like me, you absolutely love haunted houses. As soon as the signs go up around town, I start planning my Halloween calendar. I'll admit, I don't go as much now that I'm older. Instead, I drive by and gaze wistfully out the window at the signs promising to scare the bejesus out of you.

I'm also usually disappointed. You wait in line, expecting ghastly ghouls and working up a good scream only to walk through completely bored and unsurprised. They jump out, grab and swing at you but you totally see it coming. The costumers and make-up are bad, the music or sound are all wrong. Who are these amateurs!?

Not the actual haunted house but closely resembles it!

The Best Haunted House Ever!
That got me to thinking about what I consider the best haunted house ever. I was a senior in high school, and the haunted house was right up the street from my house at the local science center. Yeah, sounds weird but this is actually where it gets good. The science center was actually a former mental asylum! I'm talking seriously old school, where they apparently put people in what looked like cages and never let them out, way before the entire mental health system was reformed. I think the building was originally constructed in the 1920s. The science center only took up a few buildings, so they used one of the empty ones for the haunted house.


Whoever orchestrated this thing had it right. They knew the perfect timing--not too slow to where you remember this is all fake but fast enough to keep you unprepared for what's next. Costumes were great, sound, special effects and lights spot on. It didn't hurt that they had a whole insane-zombies-are-out-to-kill-you backstory. They even took you through part of the old asylum where there were real, true metal cages, and there were plenty of "crazies" waiting to break out and chase you down. Hell, even the tram ride was scary! It took you from the parking lot through the darkened woods way to the back of the property. Again, perfect timing and placement for whatever happened to jump out from the darkness. Coolest of all, this wasn't some big-time operation but just the local science center having some fun.

Or maybe it was just being 17. But I've always compared every other haunted house to this one. Some have been pretty good but not one has ever been better.

Got a favorite you'd like to share?

My Own Quick Little Review of "Religulous"

Yep, I sneaked out of work early yesterday to see Bill Maher's documentary "Religulous" and really enjoyed it. If you don't know, the comedian goes around talking to various Christians, Jews and Muslims and tries to get them to confront the inconsistencies and gaping holes in their faiths.

I particularly liked Maher's interview with an "ex-gay" man who now runs an ex-gay ministry--you know, trying to make queers into the straight people that they are deep down inside. I didn't hear anything new, but it was obvious to me that the minister was gay, no matter what story he's telling himself.

Maher was polite but honest and he asked many of the questions that I've asked myself about Christianity. He takes a very broad perspective of all religions--no one's safe--which helps the viewer see how much these very different beliefs actually have in common. And makes you wonder why the hell we can't see this!

He does acknowledge the many good people of faith and the good things religious people do, but wonders why they can't do the same without believing in some great person in the sky. And how it is those same religions also spawn great pain and violence.

Toward the end Maher makes his main point: "Religion must die in order for humanity to survive." I don't know that that will ever happen. Seriously, humans have always been religious, and I don't see that changing. What we believe in changes, but the act of believing doesn't. Maher wants it all wiped out, however. He thinks the world would be a better place, and he may be right. But I simply don't think it will happen. If it does, it will only be because we evolve past the point of needing religion, and evolution in humans takes quite a long, long time.

And Maher doesn't really give pagans a pass either. He doesn't mention pagans as a movement, but he does briefly visit the Cerne Abbas Giant figure in Dorset, England. He talks about how people can't seem to let their beliefs go, even when they recognize them as irrational or superstitious. He points to the giant and describes how some believe a real giant is buried under the hill, and this figure marks spot. He explains further that the locals don't really consider it a religious figure and yet they still come to maintain the man with the "giant space penis," as Maher says.

Things like this are silly on one hand. If I can't believe in a Jew born of a virgin who healed the sick and claimed to be God's son, who rose from the dead and will return to create a new earth after a battle with angels and demons--well, then can I believe in animal spirit guides, witches, fairies and so on?

Yes and no. I think the problem with religion lies in people taking it literally, seriously, no matter what they believe. Because when we take them seriously, fear sneaks in and drags along prejudice and intolerance and suspicion, which usher in violence. I know this kind of thinking is heresy for any "true believer." But they have no proof. A Christian's conviction is no more objectively valid than a shaman's conviction in what he does. Neither can be shown to be true or false. So believe what you want, celebrate our diversity as humans, but be kind and be humble. Humility is the one thing we all need more of.

My Own Quick Little Review of "Religulous"

Yep, I sneaked out of work early yesterday to see Bill Maher's documentary "Religulous" and really enjoyed it. If you don't know, the comedian goes around talking to various Christians, Jews and Muslims and tries to get them to confront the inconsistencies and gaping holes in their faiths.

I particularly liked Maher's interview with an "ex-gay" man who now runs an ex-gay ministry--you know, trying to make queers into the straight people that they are deep down inside. I didn't hear anything new, but it was obvious to me that the minister was gay, no matter what story he's telling himself.

Maher was polite but honest and he asked many of the questions that I've asked myself about Christianity. He takes a very broad perspective of all religions--no one's safe--which helps the viewer see how much these very different beliefs actually have in common. And makes you wonder why the hell we can't see this!

He does acknowledge the many good people of faith and the good things religious people do, but wonders why they can't do the same without believing in some great person in the sky. And how it is those same religions also spawn great pain and violence.

Toward the end Maher makes his main point: "Religion must die in order for humanity to survive." I don't know that that will ever happen. Seriously, humans have always been religious, and I don't see that changing. What we believe in changes, but the act of believing doesn't. Maher wants it all wiped out, however. He thinks the world would be a better place, and he may be right. But I simply don't think it will happen. If it does, it will only be because we evolve past the point of needing religion, and evolution in humans takes quite a long, long time.

And Maher doesn't really give pagans a pass either. He doesn't mention pagans as a movement, but he does briefly visit the Cerne Abbas Giant figure in Dorset, England. He talks about how people can't seem to let their beliefs go, even when they recognize them as irrational or superstitious. He points to the giant and describes how some believe a real giant is buried under the hill, and this figure marks spot. He explains further that the locals don't really consider it a religious figure and yet they still come to maintain the man with the "giant space penis," as Maher says.

Things like this are silly on one hand. If I can't believe in a Jew born of a virgin who healed the sick and claimed to be God's son, who rose from the dead and will return to create a new earth after a battle with angels and demons--well, then can I believe in animal spirit guides, witches, fairies and so on?

Yes and no. I think the problem with religion lies in people taking it literally, seriously, no matter what they believe. Because when we take them seriously, fear sneaks in and drags along prejudice and intolerance and suspicion, which usher in violence. I know this kind of thinking is heresy for any "true believer." But they have no proof. A Christian's conviction is no more objectively valid than a shaman's conviction in what he does. Neither can be shown to be true or false. So believe what you want, celebrate our diversity as humans, but be kind and be humble. Humility is the one thing we all need more of.

Religion: Just Our Imagination or The Real Deal?

Is religion an adaptation or a by-product of our evolution? Or is it an in-born yearning to connect with our Creator? If you're a good atheist or even a relatively full-time skeptic like me, you may find this article from Nature interesting. I found it over at Integral Options Cafe, always a good source for thought-provoking pieces!

The article does a good job of giving a relatively quick and readable overview of research into why so many of us humans are religious or believe in things we can't see or prove. It doesn't give answers but raises interesting questions.

I think I may scoot out of work early and go see "Religulous!"

Religion: Just Our Imagination or The Real Deal?

Is religion an adaptation or a by-product of our evolution? Or is it an in-born yearning to connect with our Creator? If you're a good atheist or even a relatively full-time skeptic like me, you may find this article from Nature interesting. I found it over at Integral Options Cafe, always a good source for thought-provoking pieces!

The article does a good job of giving a relatively quick and readable overview of research into why so many of us humans are religious or believe in things we can't see or prove. It doesn't give answers but raises interesting questions.

I think I may scoot out of work early and go see "Religulous!"

Let's Ride, Witches!

Just read about the Halloween Witch Ride in, where else?, Salem, Massachusetts. Found it posted over at The Wild Hunt. It's a biker charity ride, but Halloween costumes are encouraged. Looks like fun--and another excuse to ride your motorcycle.

Only one concern--how well can they see out of those masks? Keep the shiny side up and rubber side down!

Let's Ride, Witches!

Just read about the Halloween Witch Ride in, where else?, Salem, Massachusetts. Found it posted over at The Wild Hunt. It's a biker charity ride, but Halloween costumes are encouraged. Looks like fun--and another excuse to ride your motorcycle.

Only one concern--how well can they see out of those masks? Keep the shiny side up and rubber side down!

Creepy, Scary, Spooky Post--Week 3: Do You Believe in Spirits or Ghosts?

My wrists and hands are all limbered up and ready to type! And were there sun spots or something yesterday? I had the darndest time getting online and checking my favorite sites.

Is the spirit world real?
So are you a believer in ghosts, spirits or any other unseen (or rarely seen) entities? Many cultures, including some Celtic groups, believed this time of year was a prime time to spot them. They believed that the veil between our world and the spirit world became very thin, so you could cross back and forth easily. Sort of like our border with Mexico! So does that make the spirits illegal immigrants or us mortals?

I digress. Myself, if I had to give an answer, I'd say I don't know. I'm not copping out--I simply don't know. I lean toward "no," but then I've had some experiences I can't explain. And others I know have had experiences. But if I claim there is no God, then how can I claim that spirits, fairies or other beings exist? Like I said, I don't know!

Many neo-pagans believe or accept the possibility of all kinds of unseen things. I'm still skeptical. I think it's fun and part of being human to wonder, but I do not want to base any kind of religious practice or belief system on what can't be seen. That's just me--I already have that T-shirt!

Angels Among Us?
Are these entities real or imaginary? Do we just convince ourselves they're real because we want them to be? Most Christians believe in angels, a devil and demons. I know I once did!

Back one night in college, my roommate and I were sitting across from one another having a great religious discussion. The lights were on in the room, which was located 3 floors up in the dormitory. The blinds on the window were shut. Suddenly in the middle of this deep discussion, we both "saw" a bright light appear near the window, the speed between us across the room and then flash in the mirrors before disappearing completely. We both turned and asked simultaneously: "What was that?" Then this incredible sense of joy washed over us! I can still recall that unexplainable sensation today. Being good Christians, we just thought it must be some messenger of God, an angel sent to visit us during our wonderfully spiritual discussion. I don't know what the angel was supposed to tell us, but well, what else was it? No car lights could reach 3 floors up. There were no search lights in the area. But we both saw something!

Meeting My First Witch (was she a good witch or a bad witch?)
That same year, my roommate began hanging with some weirdo friends--at least, they were weirdos to this sheltered Christian who took everything literally! His new girlfriend was a witch! She was involved in Wicca, which I had never heard of up until this point. He showed me some books on Wicca that she had given to him, and being the concerned fellow Christian, I told him to get rid of them. Those books would draw evil spirits and plunge us into spiritual warfare! (Oh, the irony, if he could only see me today.)

His girlfriend had a guy-friend she always dragged along with her, and looking back, he might have been "her gay." But I was too sheltered to figure anything out back then. Both of them were into Wicca--and I really can't say how serious they were about it, but they did talk about it all the time. And it freaked me out! I prayed all the time for Jesus to protect me and to turn their hearts to the Lord! I was polite, however (I am a good Southern boy, after all).

We would have interesting spiritual discussion, us four, but then one day my roommate's girlfriend said something that sent chills up my spine! I don't remember the context now, but she said she was going to light a candle for me. Dear Jesus, I just knew that meant she was going to cast some evil spell on me to turn me away from the Lord and toward acts of evil! Instead of asking what she intended, I freaked out! Later, I preached to my roommate that, no matter what evil power she might unleash, Jesus was stronger! I was terrified, ya'll.

Well, nothing happened that I can attribute to her "lighting a candle." Can any visiting Wiccans explain what she might have meant? Regardless of whether it was malicious or not, it just shows the power that belief in spirits can have. Even though I had never seen anything or experienced anything, I was caught up in all the stories I had heard. If nothing else, a spirit of fear had me in its grip--and that was of my own creation, not hers.

At the same time, the girl's male friend gave us the scariest jack o' lantern that I have ever seen! He had carved it himself, and the two of them stopped by the dorm to drop of this "present"--all dressed up in black capes and wild outfits around Halloween (this was way before goth was cool). I just knew there was some hex on that pumpkin! His carving was superb--but the evil grin and the frightening countenance on that thing scared the bejesus outta me! So after they were gone, I made my longsuffering roommate smash it on the ground--you know, to break its hellish power!

Well, that romance with Wicca faded for my roommate and his witch friends faded away. I regret my actions and superstitions now that I look back. If I'm honest, they were both interesting, fun people, but I was too wrapped up in my own ignorance and fear to recognize that.

So, what about you? A believer, skeptic or something in between?

Creepy, Scary, Spooky Post--Week 3: Do You Believe in Spirits or Ghosts?

My wrists and hands are all limbered up and ready to type! And were there sun spots or something yesterday? I had the darndest time getting online and checking my favorite sites.

Is the spirit world real?
So are you a believer in ghosts, spirits or any other unseen (or rarely seen) entities? Many cultures, including some Celtic groups, believed this time of year was a prime time to spot them. They believed that the veil between our world and the spirit world became very thin, so you could cross back and forth easily. Sort of like our border with Mexico! So does that make the spirits illegal immigrants or us mortals?

I digress. Myself, if I had to give an answer, I'd say I don't know. I'm not copping out--I simply don't know. I lean toward "no," but then I've had some experiences I can't explain. And others I know have had experiences. But if I claim there is no God, then how can I claim that spirits, fairies or other beings exist? Like I said, I don't know!

Many neo-pagans believe or accept the possibility of all kinds of unseen things. I'm still skeptical. I think it's fun and part of being human to wonder, but I do not want to base any kind of religious practice or belief system on what can't be seen. That's just me--I already have that T-shirt!

Angels Among Us?
Are these entities real or imaginary? Do we just convince ourselves they're real because we want them to be? Most Christians believe in angels, a devil and demons. I know I once did!

Back one night in college, my roommate and I were sitting across from one another having a great religious discussion. The lights were on in the room, which was located 3 floors up in the dormitory. The blinds on the window were shut. Suddenly in the middle of this deep discussion, we both "saw" a bright light appear near the window, the speed between us across the room and then flash in the mirrors before disappearing completely. We both turned and asked simultaneously: "What was that?" Then this incredible sense of joy washed over us! I can still recall that unexplainable sensation today. Being good Christians, we just thought it must be some messenger of God, an angel sent to visit us during our wonderfully spiritual discussion. I don't know what the angel was supposed to tell us, but well, what else was it? No car lights could reach 3 floors up. There were no search lights in the area. But we both saw something!

Meeting My First Witch (was she a good witch or a bad witch?)
That same year, my roommate began hanging with some weirdo friends--at least, they were weirdos to this sheltered Christian who took everything literally! His new girlfriend was a witch! She was involved in Wicca, which I had never heard of up until this point. He showed me some books on Wicca that she had given to him, and being the concerned fellow Christian, I told him to get rid of them. Those books would draw evil spirits and plunge us into spiritual warfare! (Oh, the irony, if he could only see me today.)

His girlfriend had a guy-friend she always dragged along with her, and looking back, he might have been "her gay." But I was too sheltered to figure anything out back then. Both of them were into Wicca--and I really can't say how serious they were about it, but they did talk about it all the time. And it freaked me out! I prayed all the time for Jesus to protect me and to turn their hearts to the Lord! I was polite, however (I am a good Southern boy, after all).

We would have interesting spiritual discussion, us four, but then one day my roommate's girlfriend said something that sent chills up my spine! I don't remember the context now, but she said she was going to light a candle for me. Dear Jesus, I just knew that meant she was going to cast some evil spell on me to turn me away from the Lord and toward acts of evil! Instead of asking what she intended, I freaked out! Later, I preached to my roommate that, no matter what evil power she might unleash, Jesus was stronger! I was terrified, ya'll.

Well, nothing happened that I can attribute to her "lighting a candle." Can any visiting Wiccans explain what she might have meant? Regardless of whether it was malicious or not, it just shows the power that belief in spirits can have. Even though I had never seen anything or experienced anything, I was caught up in all the stories I had heard. If nothing else, a spirit of fear had me in its grip--and that was of my own creation, not hers.

At the same time, the girl's male friend gave us the scariest jack o' lantern that I have ever seen! He had carved it himself, and the two of them stopped by the dorm to drop of this "present"--all dressed up in black capes and wild outfits around Halloween (this was way before goth was cool). I just knew there was some hex on that pumpkin! His carving was superb--but the evil grin and the frightening countenance on that thing scared the bejesus outta me! So after they were gone, I made my longsuffering roommate smash it on the ground--you know, to break its hellish power!

Well, that romance with Wicca faded for my roommate and his witch friends faded away. I regret my actions and superstitions now that I look back. If I'm honest, they were both interesting, fun people, but I was too wrapped up in my own ignorance and fear to recognize that.

So, what about you? A believer, skeptic or something in between?

I Just Voted--Watch Your Ballot!

Just returned from early voting (Barack!). It took an hour and a half to get through the line.

Because it's early voting, however, I went to a precinct closer to where I work. As the poll worker was entering my precinct information into the machine, it occurred to me that it would be quite easy for human error to creep in if, by chance, she entered one wrong letter or number.

So I start voting. Here we have the touch-screen machines. So I press the button for straight-party Democratic ticket, but then go through and check each page. "Hmmm, that's odd," I thought. "I didn't realize SHE was my state representative." Then I flipped to the page with the county commissioner race--and I knew I had the wrong ballot. Even though I like the candidate, I don't live in his district. So I went back and check the other pages again, and it was obvious I had the wrong ballot for my precinct.

I call the poll worker and, after she checks my registration again, realizes she had, indeed, put in the wrong precinct. So check your ballots, people, especially if you plan to vote straight party! I could have easily walked out of there without even realizing my votes were miscast.

I Just Voted--Watch Your Ballot!

Just returned from early voting (Barack!). It took an hour and a half to get through the line.

Because it's early voting, however, I went to a precinct closer to where I work. As the poll worker was entering my precinct information into the machine, it occurred to me that it would be quite easy for human error to creep in if, by chance, she entered one wrong letter or number.

So I start voting. Here we have the touch-screen machines. So I press the button for straight-party Democratic ticket, but then go through and check each page. "Hmmm, that's odd," I thought. "I didn't realize SHE was my state representative." Then I flipped to the page with the county commissioner race--and I knew I had the wrong ballot. Even though I like the candidate, I don't live in his district. So I went back and check the other pages again, and it was obvious I had the wrong ballot for my precinct.

I call the poll worker and, after she checks my registration again, realizes she had, indeed, put in the wrong precinct. So check your ballots, people, especially if you plan to vote straight party! I could have easily walked out of there without even realizing my votes were miscast.

Screw YouTube

What the hell is wrong with You Tube? If you're on Blogger, you're supposed to be able to post videos from You Tube, but the last 2 I've tried won't play once they're posted to the blog. Anyone else had this problem?

With this glitch plus my wrist issues, I guess fate doesn't want me to post at all!

Screw YouTube

What the hell is wrong with You Tube? If you're on Blogger, you're supposed to be able to post videos from You Tube, but the last 2 I've tried won't play once they're posted to the blog. Anyone else had this problem?

With this glitch plus my wrist issues, I guess fate doesn't want me to post at all!

Katy Perry: "Hot N Cold"

This'll get your blood pumping. Cute video, too. I'm really taking a shine to Ms. Perry's music. After all, any girl who sings about how she kissed another girl and liked it is ok with me!

Katy Perry: "Hot N Cold"

This'll get your blood pumping. Cute video, too. I'm really taking a shine to Ms. Perry's music. After all, any girl who sings about how she kissed another girl and liked it is ok with me!

Carpal Tunnel May Have Me Down--but Not Out!

Not blogging is driving me crazy! I guess I'm "addicted." Besides, I can't stop typing completely because my wrist is sore.

But I am doing some wrist exercises, and I thought I'd give it a week to see if symptoms improve, and if not, I'll go to the doctor. I'm "lucky" enough to have one of those high-deductible insurance plans, so any medical expenses I have right now must be paid out of pocket. And finances aren't so good right now.

Fortunately (I guess), some of my work has slowed down, so I'm not having to type all day long.

I've seen some of those carpal tunnel wrist braces--and they look like the most cumbersome, uncomfortable things in the world. A co-worker had to wear one for a while, and she acted like it really didn't help. (Handsome, if you're reading this, didn't you say you wear one occasionally?).

I did come across one that's more flexible that you wear to bed, and that sounded pretty good. But don't want to shell out the cash just yet.

To protect my hand, I probably won't be posting much this week on the sites of my blog buddies (sorry, guys). In general, not much to say at the moment. Tried to vote this weekend but decided to wait because the line was so long. Took a day-trip with my partner, and it was ok--lots of traffic and crowds put a damper on our plans.

All for now.

Carpal Tunnel May Have Me Down--but Not Out!

Not blogging is driving me crazy! I guess I'm "addicted." Besides, I can't stop typing completely because my wrist is sore.

But I am doing some wrist exercises, and I thought I'd give it a week to see if symptoms improve, and if not, I'll go to the doctor. I'm "lucky" enough to have one of those high-deductible insurance plans, so any medical expenses I have right now must be paid out of pocket. And finances aren't so good right now.

Fortunately (I guess), some of my work has slowed down, so I'm not having to type all day long.

I've seen some of those carpal tunnel wrist braces--and they look like the most cumbersome, uncomfortable things in the world. A co-worker had to wear one for a while, and she acted like it really didn't help. (Handsome, if you're reading this, didn't you say you wear one occasionally?).

I did come across one that's more flexible that you wear to bed, and that sounded pretty good. But don't want to shell out the cash just yet.

To protect my hand, I probably won't be posting much this week on the sites of my blog buddies (sorry, guys). In general, not much to say at the moment. Tried to vote this weekend but decided to wait because the line was so long. Took a day-trip with my partner, and it was ok--lots of traffic and crowds put a damper on our plans.

All for now.

Rehab: "Bartender"

Can't write much but I can post video clips! (yeah, poor substitute). I'm working on those wrist stretches, Lupa!

I so love this song, and it's totally stuck in my brain. Enjoy.

Rehab: "Bartender"

Can't write much but I can post video clips! (yeah, poor substitute). I'm working on those wrist stretches, Lupa!

I so love this song, and it's totally stuck in my brain. Enjoy.

Blogging is a Pain--Literally!

I'll make this brief. Geez, I think I have freakin' carpal tunnel syndrome or something! I've had this ongoing pain in my left hand over the last few days, and it's really staring to interfere with work as well as blogging. Don't think I've injured myself unknowingly. So I've tried to catch up on my posts--but I may be out of pocket for a bit. Need to save my hand for work, since, well, it does pay the bills and all.

If any of my witchy friends know a good healing spell--cast away!

Blogging is a Pain--Literally!

I'll make this brief. Geez, I think I have freakin' carpal tunnel syndrome or something! I've had this ongoing pain in my left hand over the last few days, and it's really staring to interfere with work as well as blogging. Don't think I've injured myself unknowingly. So I've tried to catch up on my posts--but I may be out of pocket for a bit. Need to save my hand for work, since, well, it does pay the bills and all.

If any of my witchy friends know a good healing spell--cast away!

Creepy, Scary, Spooky Post--Week 2: Haunted Houses and Woods of Terror!

Now for a real-life haunting--or at least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. As a kid, I lived out in the country, and all my friends talked about this road way up in the woods. People described all kinds of weird goings-on there. Stories of murder, mayhem and mischief. As soon as I could drive, well, of course I had to check it out!

Which I did on several occasions, mostly with my one friend Kenneth (he was the bravest). Thought I would share a few of the stories about the locale as well as what happened to me personally.

First, you couldn't have picked a better location for a haunted tale. This road was truly off the beaten path--it wasn't even paved and wound around and around through the hills. Most of the land was just woods except for a lone abandoned tobacco barn here or there. We hardly ever saw any other people or cars. All the scary stuff happened just on the unpaved part. Plus there were acres of corn fields (an easy place for deranged killers to hide!). But the focus was this empty (or was it?!) 2-story white house.

The legend goes that the family who owned the farm land experienced a great tragedy. Variations abound, but essentially, a matriarch of the family went nuts and killed a few of her brood in the house. She then fled to the woods out of remorse, and the family abandoned the house. But it was said that the old lady still lived in the wood and would kill anyone who ventured too close to her or the house. Some stories say another unrelated person was found hanged in one of the old barns, and on some nights, you might see a light in an upstairs window of the house and the figure of an old woman by the window! There were also stories of suicides and, naturally, Satanic rituals.

There was also a little creek that ran by the house and a rickety 1-lane bridge. If you stopped your car on the bridge (and why would you do such a thing?), the legend said it wouldn't start again and the old woman would crawl out from under the bridge and attack! So of course, we tried this on several occasions--and survived! The car even restarted!

However, I did notice one odd thing. As we drove down the hill and the house came into view, if the radio was on, it would go dead! Then just as you passed the house and crossed the little bridge, the radio would come back on! Being 16 and wired for sound, this just drove us wild.

Kenneth and I made it our goal to sneak into the house. We wanted to see what was inside--you know, dead bodies, zombies, vampires--whatever. So we would try to find a place to hide my car. Once, we parked the car way up the road and walked toward the house. Now we usually never saw any cars. You might see dust kicked up that hung (mysteriously!) in the air but never any cars. So here comes a pick-up with a man and a woman. They stopped and asked what we were up to, and we were afraid they might the owners. But we were on a public road, so no law against that. We just weakly replied we were out for a walk--and then they sped off like we were demons! Never did figure out what that was about.

Another time we tried to hide the car behind a barn but it got stuck in the mud. We just knew we were monster toast! The car was in plain view and stuck! Soon this tiny car drives by and stops, and 2 very large men and one tiny woman tumble out (imagine one of those little clown cars). They were the definition of redneck--and we just knew they must be part of the cursed family out to claim another victim! Instead, they asked us what happened and proceeded to literally pick up my car and set it down so we could drive away. That was enough for one day!

We even tried to get into the house at night (stupid!). Once we came by and the front doors, usually boarded up tight, were wide open (we didn't go in). Another time, there were several cars parked near the house (next!). Yet another night, we discovered a couple of those star-thingys that martial arts guys use--stuck into the boards on the front door (ummm, time to go!). Determined, we kept coming back like the aspiring vandals we were. One night, we finally did find a window that we decided would be the easiest way to enter, but that attempt was thwarted by approaching headlights. We hit the dirt and flattened ourselves out just like you might imagine. A close call.

One calm Sunday afternoon, we finally did it! We climbed inside the window with our hearts in our throats. As you might expect, however, no mummies or beasties--just trash, old furniture and an old house that might have been nice once upon a time. We rummaged around and found our way upstairs. We inspected all the rooms, and then I came to one last door at the end of the hall. Without even thinking, I flung it open only to discover that it opened onto the small upstairs balcony. Which would have been fine if 2 people hadn't been walking just down below on the dirt road. Surprised and fearing we would be caught trespassing, I slammed the door shut (not so smart!). Kenneth and I hid in the house until we were sure the strangers were gone. We had to laugh, however, that we probably scared those 2 to death and did our own little part to help keep the legends alive.

With that goal reached and high school graduation approaching, we lost interest. There was college and life to attend to. But I kept hearing about the legends. Several years later, I was telling a friend about all this, so we decided to take a drive. Everything looks pretty much as it did over 20 years ago, except the house had been torn down and the spot cleared. I did a little investigating and read that the family had grown tired of all the vandalism (oops) and wanted to put a stop to it. But the articles I found still indicated that the legends about this little dirt road still held sway in the local imagination. Long live the fright!

Creepy, Scary, Spooky Post--Week 2: Haunted Houses and Woods of Terror!

Now for a real-life haunting--or at least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. As a kid, I lived out in the country, and all my friends talked about this road way up in the woods. People described all kinds of weird goings-on there. Stories of murder, mayhem and mischief. As soon as I could drive, well, of course I had to check it out!

Which I did on several occasions, mostly with my one friend Kenneth (he was the bravest). Thought I would share a few of the stories about the locale as well as what happened to me personally.

First, you couldn't have picked a better location for a haunted tale. This road was truly off the beaten path--it wasn't even paved and wound around and around through the hills. Most of the land was just woods except for a lone abandoned tobacco barn here or there. We hardly ever saw any other people or cars. All the scary stuff happened just on the unpaved part. Plus there were acres of corn fields (an easy place for deranged killers to hide!). But the focus was this empty (or was it?!) 2-story white house.

The legend goes that the family who owned the farm land experienced a great tragedy. Variations abound, but essentially, a matriarch of the family went nuts and killed a few of her brood in the house. She then fled to the woods out of remorse, and the family abandoned the house. But it was said that the old lady still lived in the wood and would kill anyone who ventured too close to her or the house. Some stories say another unrelated person was found hanged in one of the old barns, and on some nights, you might see a light in an upstairs window of the house and the figure of an old woman by the window! There were also stories of suicides and, naturally, Satanic rituals.

There was also a little creek that ran by the house and a rickety 1-lane bridge. If you stopped your car on the bridge (and why would you do such a thing?), the legend said it wouldn't start again and the old woman would crawl out from under the bridge and attack! So of course, we tried this on several occasions--and survived! The car even restarted!

However, I did notice one odd thing. As we drove down the hill and the house came into view, if the radio was on, it would go dead! Then just as you passed the house and crossed the little bridge, the radio would come back on! Being 16 and wired for sound, this just drove us wild.

Kenneth and I made it our goal to sneak into the house. We wanted to see what was inside--you know, dead bodies, zombies, vampires--whatever. So we would try to find a place to hide my car. Once, we parked the car way up the road and walked toward the house. Now we usually never saw any cars. You might see dust kicked up that hung (mysteriously!) in the air but never any cars. So here comes a pick-up with a man and a woman. They stopped and asked what we were up to, and we were afraid they might the owners. But we were on a public road, so no law against that. We just weakly replied we were out for a walk--and then they sped off like we were demons! Never did figure out what that was about.

Another time we tried to hide the car behind a barn but it got stuck in the mud. We just knew we were monster toast! The car was in plain view and stuck! Soon this tiny car drives by and stops, and 2 very large men and one tiny woman tumble out (imagine one of those little clown cars). They were the definition of redneck--and we just knew they must be part of the cursed family out to claim another victim! Instead, they asked us what happened and proceeded to literally pick up my car and set it down so we could drive away. That was enough for one day!

We even tried to get into the house at night (stupid!). Once we came by and the front doors, usually boarded up tight, were wide open (we didn't go in). Another time, there were several cars parked near the house (next!). Yet another night, we discovered a couple of those star-thingys that martial arts guys use--stuck into the boards on the front door (ummm, time to go!). Determined, we kept coming back like the aspiring vandals we were. One night, we finally did find a window that we decided would be the easiest way to enter, but that attempt was thwarted by approaching headlights. We hit the dirt and flattened ourselves out just like you might imagine. A close call.

One calm Sunday afternoon, we finally did it! We climbed inside the window with our hearts in our throats. As you might expect, however, no mummies or beasties--just trash, old furniture and an old house that might have been nice once upon a time. We rummaged around and found our way upstairs. We inspected all the rooms, and then I came to one last door at the end of the hall. Without even thinking, I flung it open only to discover that it opened onto the small upstairs balcony. Which would have been fine if 2 people hadn't been walking just down below on the dirt road. Surprised and fearing we would be caught trespassing, I slammed the door shut (not so smart!). Kenneth and I hid in the house until we were sure the strangers were gone. We had to laugh, however, that we probably scared those 2 to death and did our own little part to help keep the legends alive.

With that goal reached and high school graduation approaching, we lost interest. There was college and life to attend to. But I kept hearing about the legends. Several years later, I was telling a friend about all this, so we decided to take a drive. Everything looks pretty much as it did over 20 years ago, except the house had been torn down and the spot cleared. I did a little investigating and read that the family had grown tired of all the vandalism (oops) and wanted to put a stop to it. But the articles I found still indicated that the legends about this little dirt road still held sway in the local imagination. Long live the fright!

Madonna and Guy to Split!

Say it ain't so! Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but well, I like Madge and was hoping she had finally found true love. But apparently, she and Guy are divorcing. It looks like all those vicious rumors are, in fact, true.

I may have to go buy her latest CD and show my support.

I'll definitely dig out my black mourning veils. Let's have a moment of silence out of respect...

Madonna and Guy to Split!

Say it ain't so! Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but well, I like Madge and was hoping she had finally found true love. But apparently, she and Guy are divorcing. It looks like all those vicious rumors are, in fact, true.

I may have to go buy her latest CD and show my support.

I'll definitely dig out my black mourning veils. Let's have a moment of silence out of respect...

Christina Aguilera: "Keeps Getting Better"

Xtina is simply a goddess, and I'm diggin' her new single. This is not the real video but I'm sure you'll enjoy the song.

"Some days I'm a super bitch, up to my old tricks!"

Christina Aguilera: "Keeps Getting Better"

Xtina is simply a goddess, and I'm diggin' her new single. This is not the real video but I'm sure you'll enjoy the song.

"Some days I'm a super bitch, up to my old tricks!"

Ms. Mary Moodswing

I was in such a shitty mood on my way into the office today, and I'm trying to figure out why. Ever have those mornings where you just want to plow through all the other cars? No? Ok, so maybe I have a problem. But I'm usually so laid back, honestly.

Haven't posted anything lately on how the couples counseling is going, and I think this is part of what's bothering me. The counseling seems to be helping, but I think it's going too slow. Maybe we need to get a new therapist, but heavens to murgatroid, I don't want to start over again! The good news is that my partner and I aren't fighting as much, and we've had a couple of nice moments lately.

Yep--a couple....of....nice....moments. So is that it? Am I supposed to be happy with that for the next 30-40 years? I think this is what has me angry. He's trying, in his own way, to make things better--but I just don't think it's going to be enough.

I want more passion, more affection in our relationship. I want not to be turned away when I try to get a bit closer. Hell, I want to have sex! I guess I'm angry because I keep hoping things going to significantly improve--and they're not. There's just too much to dig through, and honey, therapy is expensive. I might give this til the end of the year and then re-evaluate. A year of therapy seems plenty to me.

So, feeling angry, desperate, bored and quite horny--a dangerous combo!

Add guilty, too, for even posting this. I don't know why I'm in this situation or why it seems so difficult to change. My friends say it's because I really care what happens, that I still care about my partner and our relationship. Makes sense.

But it also feels like I'm waiting for something, something either positive or negative, to happen that will tip the scales one way or the other. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. This morning, I pulled a tarot card for a quick meditation: the 7 of Pentacles. I'm still learning tarot, but this seemed to be about taking responsibility for my actions as well as coming to a cross-roads and taking stock. Seems appropriate, no?

Ms. Mary Moodswing

I was in such a shitty mood on my way into the office today, and I'm trying to figure out why. Ever have those mornings where you just want to plow through all the other cars? No? Ok, so maybe I have a problem. But I'm usually so laid back, honestly.

Haven't posted anything lately on how the couples counseling is going, and I think this is part of what's bothering me. The counseling seems to be helping, but I think it's going too slow. Maybe we need to get a new therapist, but heavens to murgatroid, I don't want to start over again! The good news is that my partner and I aren't fighting as much, and we've had a couple of nice moments lately.

Yep--a couple....of....nice....moments. So is that it? Am I supposed to be happy with that for the next 30-40 years? I think this is what has me angry. He's trying, in his own way, to make things better--but I just don't think it's going to be enough.

I want more passion, more affection in our relationship. I want not to be turned away when I try to get a bit closer. Hell, I want to have sex! I guess I'm angry because I keep hoping things going to significantly improve--and they're not. There's just too much to dig through, and honey, therapy is expensive. I might give this til the end of the year and then re-evaluate. A year of therapy seems plenty to me.

So, feeling angry, desperate, bored and quite horny--a dangerous combo!

Add guilty, too, for even posting this. I don't know why I'm in this situation or why it seems so difficult to change. My friends say it's because I really care what happens, that I still care about my partner and our relationship. Makes sense.

But it also feels like I'm waiting for something, something either positive or negative, to happen that will tip the scales one way or the other. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. This morning, I pulled a tarot card for a quick meditation: the 7 of Pentacles. I'm still learning tarot, but this seemed to be about taking responsibility for my actions as well as coming to a cross-roads and taking stock. Seems appropriate, no?

Glory of an October Morning

Glory of an October Morning

My "Dear John" Letter to the Church

I finally did it--after much thought, I've left the Christian Church. The other week I wrote a letter to my pastor explaining my decision. It wasn't easy--the church of which I was a member is a great congregation. It's a place where you can ask questions and find many ways to serve and grow. Well, if it was so great, you ask, why leave?

Since setting off on this new path, I really hadn't attended much. That's a big deal--I was someone who grew up in the church, attended Christian school, was part of the college campus ministry as a student and was a summer missionary for the Florida State Baptists. I've attended church regularly since age 16, with only a few breaks here and there. I've served on missions committees, worship committees, organized prayer services and communion, and even served 3 years as a deacon.

But as my faith grew, I began to explore difficult questions about Christianity and religious faith in general. It would take a really long post to explain it all, but basically I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer believe in the concept of God. Religion can be a great thing, and many religious people are wonderful people. However, I can no longer be a part of an institution or belief system with which I disagree.

So I wrote a letter to my pastor, thanking him and the congregation for everything. Lots of tears were shed while writing this because it was a difficult decision. But I'm in a different place now, and I need to be honest with myself and with my church about who I am and what I believe--or don't.

For a while, I thought I would remain a member in order to support the local church, to help it spread its particularly welcoming brand of Christianity. That's certainly needed when so many other churches are exclusionary and legalistic. But I realized that my heart, or my spirit if you will, had moved on. I could no longer sit in the pew and pray to Jesus or God with any sincerity. I could no longer sing the hymns with any conviction or participate in worship with any integrity.

So what do I believe now? In short, I don't believe in any god or gods or even anything divine. That may seem depressing to some but I think otherwise. For me, looking at reality straight in the face is quite liberating. So much unnecessary crap just falls aside, giving us the opportunity to focus on what we feel is most important. Ironically, isn't that what religion is supposed to do? All too often, however, religion fails.

It seems we humans have evolved on this tiny planet in space, but I don't think our position at the top of the food chain necessarily means we have eternal souls or that some deity is directing our lives. I think that when we die, that's it, just like every other creature on Earth. There isn't any future reward or special heavenly mansions--it's all right here, right now. So get busy!

All that said, we humans are uniquely "spiritual" creatures. We love to believe in stuff--whether it's Jesus, fairies, Santa Claus or alien abductions. That's what I want to explore now. I wonder, what is this "spirit" exactly? Why is it so important to us? Essentially, that's what any religious person asks, but I "believe" we must go beyond what our current religious offerings provide.

If you happen to read this and you're a Christian, don't feel sorry for me. I'm quite excited about what's next. I don't want any labels such as agnostic or atheist--that's what I'm trying to get away from. I'm just looking for truth, whatever that is and if it even exists. I like to think that if there is a God or that if Christianity is True, well, then it'll become obvious one day. I'm hardly anti-religion, either. Christianity brought some wonderful things into my life--and it was also a great source of pain--self-inflicted pain.

So I would say, yes, believe in whatever you like. Most importantly, however, don't take it too seriously, and remember that everyone who believes differently from you is just as sincere and devout as you are. And none of us can prove who's "right" and who's not. In fact, I think we are all "right" and, at the same time, none of us are. Ah yes--paradox. I think that's the difficult truth we all need to discover.