Last Night's Dream: Who Are These People in My Attic and Why Am I Performing Shamanic Voodoo to Get Rid of Them?

Yes, it was one of those dreams where you can barely wake up and, once you do, you're convinced it was real. So vivid! (And no--there really isn't anything called "shamanic voodoo" so don't get all PC on me.) I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts on what it might symbolize.

So here's how it went down:

I was in my house (didn't look like my real house, of course, but that's dreams for you) and somehow was aware there were people in my attic (like "Flowers in the Attic?"). I'm talking, like, a whole extended family or something. Don't know how they got there, but they had to go. Not sure why I didn't just charge rent, but whatever. They all looked like refugees from "La Boheme" (go figure). As I approached, they recoiled in fear, as if I was going to beat them senseless. I would never do that, of course, but I did have some kind of plan.

The attic had these wooden vertical support columns, sort of like stripper poles (ouch--splinters!). For some reason, I walked over and touched the pole, and when I did, it appeared in my hand but much smaller, almost like a tree limb or branch. Somehow, I knew this stick held the answer to my attic refugee dilemma.

Then *poof*, I'm with friends in an abandoned warehouse. It was mostly empty except for some litter, cardboard--and lots of water and mud. I'm not sure why, but we had to clean it all out, and this had some connection to those people in my attic. It felt like a test or challenge, like they have on reality shows where you only get the prize if you first eat mealworms or something gross.

With that done, I'm back in my attic and now I must choose who can stay and who must go, just like "RuPaul's Drag Race," just without the sequins! You'd think I'd want all those people out of my attic, but for some reason this all made sense to me. I remember deliberating about it carefully and for a long time, and then narrowed it down to 5 people who had to leave.

But when I pulled those 5 people out of the crowd, it was like they transformed into something I can only describe like voodoo dolls--very tiny, except they could still talk and move! And they kept going back and forth from regular human size to voodoo doll size. Then I had to put each person in this container of mud (mud, again!) and then insert those sticks (formerly known as stripper poles) into the mud. Freaky. It was like some weird cleansing ritual, I guess. Of course, this all seemed perfectly natural and rational during the dream.

As I'm doing this, a woman appears in the attic out of thin air. Light surrounds her, she has wings and a flowing dress, sort of like an angel but I knew she was a goddess. She doesn't speak but her presence lets me know that, at least, I'm not pissing off the deities with my attic eviction! In fact, I get the understanding that she is their patron saint, of sorts, and she is offering her blessing. Then, right before my eyes, she transforms into a large bird! Hmmm, wonder which goddesses have bird totems?

So I turn back to my ritual, placing the sticks or branches into the mud around these people/voodoo dolls--and this is really where the dream ends. I never see the people actually leave the attic. But I remember coming in and out of sleep, feeling I had to be very specific about my actions to get it just right. It was very important that I do it correctly, not just for me but also for those people. And, oddly, this didn't feel constraining at all but the emotion I recall was something like being "in the zone," when I'm writing or working on one of my shaman rituals in the waking world. A communion with spirit!

An epic dream, certainly, one of the most detailed and cohesive I've had in a long while. If you have any interpretations, fire away!

Last Night's Dream: Who Are These People in My Attic and Why Am I Performing Shamanic Voodoo to Get Rid of Them?

Yes, it was one of those dreams where you can barely wake up and, once you do, you're convinced it was real. So vivid! (And no--there really isn't anything called "shamanic voodoo" so don't get all PC on me.) I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts on what it might symbolize.

So here's how it went down:

I was in my house (didn't look like my real house, of course, but that's dreams for you) and somehow was aware there were people in my attic (like "Flowers in the Attic?"). I'm talking, like, a whole extended family or something. Don't know how they got there, but they had to go. Not sure why I didn't just charge rent, but whatever. They all looked like refugees from "La Boheme" (go figure). As I approached, they recoiled in fear, as if I was going to beat them senseless. I would never do that, of course, but I did have some kind of plan.

The attic had these wooden vertical support columns, sort of like stripper poles (ouch--splinters!). For some reason, I walked over and touched the pole, and when I did, it appeared in my hand but much smaller, almost like a tree limb or branch. Somehow, I knew this stick held the answer to my attic refugee dilemma.

Then *poof*, I'm with friends in an abandoned warehouse. It was mostly empty except for some litter, cardboard--and lots of water and mud. I'm not sure why, but we had to clean it all out, and this had some connection to those people in my attic. It felt like a test or challenge, like they have on reality shows where you only get the prize if you first eat mealworms or something gross.

With that done, I'm back in my attic and now I must choose who can stay and who must go, just like "RuPaul's Drag Race," just without the sequins! You'd think I'd want all those people out of my attic, but for some reason this all made sense to me. I remember deliberating about it carefully and for a long time, and then narrowed it down to 5 people who had to leave.

But when I pulled those 5 people out of the crowd, it was like they transformed into something I can only describe like voodoo dolls--very tiny, except they could still talk and move! And they kept going back and forth from regular human size to voodoo doll size. Then I had to put each person in this container of mud (mud, again!) and then insert those sticks (formerly known as stripper poles) into the mud. Freaky. It was like some weird cleansing ritual, I guess. Of course, this all seemed perfectly natural and rational during the dream.

As I'm doing this, a woman appears in the attic out of thin air. Light surrounds her, she has wings and a flowing dress, sort of like an angel but I knew she was a goddess. She doesn't speak but her presence lets me know that, at least, I'm not pissing off the deities with my attic eviction! In fact, I get the understanding that she is their patron saint, of sorts, and she is offering her blessing. Then, right before my eyes, she transforms into a large bird! Hmmm, wonder which goddesses have bird totems?

So I turn back to my ritual, placing the sticks or branches into the mud around these people/voodoo dolls--and this is really where the dream ends. I never see the people actually leave the attic. But I remember coming in and out of sleep, feeling I had to be very specific about my actions to get it just right. It was very important that I do it correctly, not just for me but also for those people. And, oddly, this didn't feel constraining at all but the emotion I recall was something like being "in the zone," when I'm writing or working on one of my shaman rituals in the waking world. A communion with spirit!

An epic dream, certainly, one of the most detailed and cohesive I've had in a long while. If you have any interpretations, fire away!

Friday Night's Dream

Friday night's dream really stood out to me for some reason. I saw both a black dog and a black panther, and when animals appear in my dreams, I pay attention. That's how I became "Riverwolf" a few years ago. I've decided not to interpret the dream here. Instead I'll merely describe what happened, and then note some possible meanings taken from Ted Andrews' "Animal Speak" (a favorite).

The dream itself was short. I walked into my home, and a big black dog came (resembled this one above) out to greet me. It was friendly, and I was surprised because I don't have a dog, and so I wondered how it got inside. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the dog. It wagged its tail and sat on the floor and was excited to see me. But then I realized I really didn't want this dog in my home, so I opened the back door and tried to make it leave. That's when the dog morphed into a black panther! Its ears went flat and it growled a bit, letting me know that it didn't want to leave. I backed off, with the feeling that I would have to deal with this animal a bit differently. I remained calm--and that was it! Dream over.

Dogs
So, in Andrews' book, dogs symbolize faithfulness and protection. In some cultures, they also symbolize motherhood or are guardians of the dead. Andrews notes that it takes a lot to break a dog's loving spirit, even when it is abused. Its willingness to be a companion is great. He suggests asking questions such as: What does this say about your need for or lack of companionship? Are you showing unconditional love or receiving it? Do you need to be more protective of your territory? Do you need to play a little more?

Panthers
There's a lot on panthers, particularly black ones. In general, they symbolize reclaiming one's own power, and black panthers have a lunar and a feminine significance. Their arrival initiates a time of awakened sensuality and passion. These cats also symbolize darkness, death and rebirth, helping us to understand the powers inherent in each of these stages, thereby eliminating our fears. Panthers bring guardian energy. It may imply that an old issue (particularly sexual ones) may finally be resolved or healed. Panthers symbolize moving from mere poles of existence to a new life without poles or barriers; unconscious urges and abilities are awakened. They also mark a time of emerging from a heroic test of suffering, wandering or destruction. They also signal it's time to confront areas of our lives that have been "painted over." The theme of reclaiming one's own power continues, as panther tells us we'll recover our power from whatever has hidden it in our lives, and it will be replaced with something greater, stronger and more beneficial. The panther symbolizes mastery over all dimensions. A new turn is coming in our path, an opportunity to go beyond what has been imagined through discipline and control. The spirit of imminent rebirth.

So wow--lot's to think about! Anyone care to interpret??

Friday Night's Dream

Friday night's dream really stood out to me for some reason. I saw both a black dog and a black panther, and when animals appear in my dreams, I pay attention. That's how I became "Riverwolf" a few years ago. I've decided not to interpret the dream here. Instead I'll merely describe what happened, and then note some possible meanings taken from Ted Andrews' "Animal Speak" (a favorite).

The dream itself was short. I walked into my home, and a big black dog came (resembled this one above) out to greet me. It was friendly, and I was surprised because I don't have a dog, and so I wondered how it got inside. But I was pleasantly surprised to see the dog. It wagged its tail and sat on the floor and was excited to see me. But then I realized I really didn't want this dog in my home, so I opened the back door and tried to make it leave. That's when the dog morphed into a black panther! Its ears went flat and it growled a bit, letting me know that it didn't want to leave. I backed off, with the feeling that I would have to deal with this animal a bit differently. I remained calm--and that was it! Dream over.

Dogs
So, in Andrews' book, dogs symbolize faithfulness and protection. In some cultures, they also symbolize motherhood or are guardians of the dead. Andrews notes that it takes a lot to break a dog's loving spirit, even when it is abused. Its willingness to be a companion is great. He suggests asking questions such as: What does this say about your need for or lack of companionship? Are you showing unconditional love or receiving it? Do you need to be more protective of your territory? Do you need to play a little more?

Panthers
There's a lot on panthers, particularly black ones. In general, they symbolize reclaiming one's own power, and black panthers have a lunar and a feminine significance. Their arrival initiates a time of awakened sensuality and passion. These cats also symbolize darkness, death and rebirth, helping us to understand the powers inherent in each of these stages, thereby eliminating our fears. Panthers bring guardian energy. It may imply that an old issue (particularly sexual ones) may finally be resolved or healed. Panthers symbolize moving from mere poles of existence to a new life without poles or barriers; unconscious urges and abilities are awakened. They also mark a time of emerging from a heroic test of suffering, wandering or destruction. They also signal it's time to confront areas of our lives that have been "painted over." The theme of reclaiming one's own power continues, as panther tells us we'll recover our power from whatever has hidden it in our lives, and it will be replaced with something greater, stronger and more beneficial. The panther symbolizes mastery over all dimensions. A new turn is coming in our path, an opportunity to go beyond what has been imagined through discipline and control. The spirit of imminent rebirth.

So wow--lot's to think about! Anyone care to interpret??

Learning About Lucid Dreaming from My Groundhog Jedi Masters

How can a groundhog be a Jedi? Hello, remember Yoda? He wasn't much bigger than a groundhog. So with all the groundhog energy in my yard lately, I thought I should take another look at the critter's symbolism, get in touch with it on a shamanic level and see what the animal might represent. Sometimes, yes, it's just a pesky groundhog, but here's what I found.

Excerpted from Ted Andrews' "Animal Speak":
Because of their digging and tunneling abilities, the appearance of a groundhog may reflect your own ability to go deep within an area of interest or when a new area of study is about to open up.

The groundhog's "medicine" is its ability to hibernate for long periods. In the winter, its body temperature drops to just above freezing, its breathing slows to one breath per minute (wow) and the heart beats only about 4 or five times per minutes (wow, wow). This symbolizes opening to the dreamtime and using it more powerfully. Groundhogs can alert us to the significance of dreams and the ability to develop lucid dreaming and other altered states.

Just like groundhogs, shamans, yogis and other mystics would slow down their own breathing and heart beat in order to enter altered states or trances. In these states, they would seek healing or knowledge. So, the groundhog announces more opportunities to explore these states of consciousness.

Ok, cool, so I guess I need to pay more attention to my meditations, journeys and dreams, to delve deeper. There's quite a bit about consciousness I haven't explored, and I do have much more to learn. We've actually discussed this in our shamanic workshops, and there's one recurring dream I have that I'd like to explore in a more intentional way. This has always been a fascinating topic to me.

But then it gets scary: "Animal Speak" also suggests that groundhogs, because of their ability to hibernate, can offer lessons associated with death and dying and revelations about its process. Um--that doesn't sound all that fun. Thank you Messrs. Groundhog, I'll take all this under consideration--but I think I'll focus on the dreams instead!

Of course, don't forget Groundhog Day in February--same time as Imbolc or St. Brigid's Day, when the critters emerge from hibernation to predict the weather.

Learn more about groundhogs here, or read the full "Animal Speak" entry.

Learning About Lucid Dreaming from My Groundhog Jedi Masters

How can a groundhog be a Jedi? Hello, remember Yoda? He wasn't much bigger than a groundhog. So with all the groundhog energy in my yard lately, I thought I should take another look at the critter's symbolism, get in touch with it on a shamanic level and see what the animal might represent. Sometimes, yes, it's just a pesky groundhog, but here's what I found.

Excerpted from Ted Andrews' "Animal Speak":
Because of their digging and tunneling abilities, the appearance of a groundhog may reflect your own ability to go deep within an area of interest or when a new area of study is about to open up.

The groundhog's "medicine" is its ability to hibernate for long periods. In the winter, its body temperature drops to just above freezing, its breathing slows to one breath per minute (wow) and the heart beats only about 4 or five times per minutes (wow, wow). This symbolizes opening to the dreamtime and using it more powerfully. Groundhogs can alert us to the significance of dreams and the ability to develop lucid dreaming and other altered states.

Just like groundhogs, shamans, yogis and other mystics would slow down their own breathing and heart beat in order to enter altered states or trances. In these states, they would seek healing or knowledge. So, the groundhog announces more opportunities to explore these states of consciousness.

Ok, cool, so I guess I need to pay more attention to my meditations, journeys and dreams, to delve deeper. There's quite a bit about consciousness I haven't explored, and I do have much more to learn. We've actually discussed this in our shamanic workshops, and there's one recurring dream I have that I'd like to explore in a more intentional way. This has always been a fascinating topic to me.

But then it gets scary: "Animal Speak" also suggests that groundhogs, because of their ability to hibernate, can offer lessons associated with death and dying and revelations about its process. Um--that doesn't sound all that fun. Thank you Messrs. Groundhog, I'll take all this under consideration--but I think I'll focus on the dreams instead!

Of course, don't forget Groundhog Day in February--same time as Imbolc or St. Brigid's Day, when the critters emerge from hibernation to predict the weather.

Learn more about groundhogs here, or read the full "Animal Speak" entry.

Last Night's Dream: I Caused the Lindsay/Samantha Break-Up!

I'm sure I have more important things to worry about, like the crisis in Gaza, but apparently, my subconscious has other plans.

So last night, I had this crazy dream about how I was dating Lindsay Lohan and hiding drugs for her girlfriend Sam. I kid you not (does Sam do drugs? I have no idea. It was a dream, people!) Normally, you don't put much stock in the power of dreams, right? And then I see this news!

Whoa, I never intended to break them up! Because in my dream, even though I was dating Lindsay, I knew she was still with Samantha, and Samantha was cool with Linds and I being together. Polyamory is very trendy these days.

I guess after that beach picnic the 3 of us had, everything went sour. I should've known something was up. Lindsay acted like she was cool with all, but no. I had bought a gift for Sam but not for her! Lindsay is such the attention whore.

Anyways, she played it off. But then at the Chick-Fil-A, I realized I was still holding onto the crack that Samantha had bought for herself (does she not have pockets?). I had to keep this from Lindsay because--I guess she would want the crack for herself? As we walked out the door, I tried to slip the crack to Sam but dropped it on the floor.

Then there was some dream interlude about comic books and my mother--and then I'm outside driving away with Lindsay while Sam is on her knees in Chick-Fil-A still searching the floor for the crack!

See--their break-up is all my fault! Or maybe it was the cough medicine I had.....

Last Night's Dream: I Caused the Lindsay/Samantha Break-Up!

I'm sure I have more important things to worry about, like the crisis in Gaza, but apparently, my subconscious has other plans.

So last night, I had this crazy dream about how I was dating Lindsay Lohan and hiding drugs for her girlfriend Sam. I kid you not (does Sam do drugs? I have no idea. It was a dream, people!) Normally, you don't put much stock in the power of dreams, right? And then I see this news!

Whoa, I never intended to break them up! Because in my dream, even though I was dating Lindsay, I knew she was still with Samantha, and Samantha was cool with Linds and I being together. Polyamory is very trendy these days.

I guess after that beach picnic the 3 of us had, everything went sour. I should've known something was up. Lindsay acted like she was cool with all, but no. I had bought a gift for Sam but not for her! Lindsay is such the attention whore.

Anyways, she played it off. But then at the Chick-Fil-A, I realized I was still holding onto the crack that Samantha had bought for herself (does she not have pockets?). I had to keep this from Lindsay because--I guess she would want the crack for herself? As we walked out the door, I tried to slip the crack to Sam but dropped it on the floor.

Then there was some dream interlude about comic books and my mother--and then I'm outside driving away with Lindsay while Sam is on her knees in Chick-Fil-A still searching the floor for the crack!

See--their break-up is all my fault! Or maybe it was the cough medicine I had.....

Time Out to Detach

I was so keyed up the last few days over the Prop 8 win out in California, and I realized it was taking its toll. Maybe I had become too attached to what happened next, too attached to my identity as a gay man. And all that is illusion anyway.

Not that it isn't important, but I was out of balance. So today I'm taking a break. Doing some yard work, and trying to meditate on what's right in front of me, like this pond out here in the Grove (pictured).

For the latest on the protests against Prop 8, try these sites:
QueersUnited
ChinoBlanco
WayneBesen

Even taking a break is difficult, however. Last night, I had an unsettling dream, and I can't quite figure out why. It wasn't one of those scary dreams or stress dreams, but I kept waking up with this feeling that I needed to get out of the dream. But when I woke, I only wanted to go back to sleep so I could get back into the dream. Crazy, right? I was in a weird middle place. And I didn't want to get out of bed, either.

So I woke up grumpy and unsettled, and then my partner and I promptly got into an argument before breakfast. Then when we went to eat breakfast, even that was annoying. Good times!

But now I've raked the yard, and he's at the office, so things have calmed down a bit. Just trying to find my center today.

Time Out to Detach

I was so keyed up the last few days over the Prop 8 win out in California, and I realized it was taking its toll. Maybe I had become too attached to what happened next, too attached to my identity as a gay man. And all that is illusion anyway.

Not that it isn't important, but I was out of balance. So today I'm taking a break. Doing some yard work, and trying to meditate on what's right in front of me, like this pond out here in the Grove (pictured).

For the latest on the protests against Prop 8, try these sites:
QueersUnited
ChinoBlanco
WayneBesen

Even taking a break is difficult, however. Last night, I had an unsettling dream, and I can't quite figure out why. It wasn't one of those scary dreams or stress dreams, but I kept waking up with this feeling that I needed to get out of the dream. But when I woke, I only wanted to go back to sleep so I could get back into the dream. Crazy, right? I was in a weird middle place. And I didn't want to get out of bed, either.

So I woke up grumpy and unsettled, and then my partner and I promptly got into an argument before breakfast. Then when we went to eat breakfast, even that was annoying. Good times!

But now I've raked the yard, and he's at the office, so things have calmed down a bit. Just trying to find my center today.

Last Night's Dream: Get Your Bikini Wax at the Hawaiian Cowboy Shaman Convention!

I don't take drugs, really, I don't--but I sometimes have whacked dreams. Maybe I've been thinking more about Huna philosophy?

Last night, I dreamed that I was in a shamanic workshop held at the home of a local practitioner, the same guy from the other weekend in real life. We're standing in the guy's living room, holding hands around his coffee table. We start talking about a "shaman's greeting"--sort of "what's the secret password?"--and then he leads us in a dance. Or tries to. We're all uncoordinated and throwing legs the wrong way. Oddly, our dance reminded me of what you see at Jewish holidays and weddings. Just imagine a bunch of WASPs dancing in a circle led by a Korean facilitator--but to a Jewish klezmer band.

That's just for starters. Our facilitator (wearing a Hawaiian shirt) then tells us he will see us at the hotel for the next part of the shamanic conference. (I should explain that this sorta makes sense. In real life, he and his wife had just returned from Hawaii before our workshop, and he does appear in Hawaiian shirts on his web site.)

As can only happen in dreams, our conference is in Hawaii but actually still in my hometown. I'm thrilled--because I'll be able to call home without incurring roaming charges! Sweet!

So I drive across town/Hawaii to the "Mauna Loa Hotel"--which, of course, may exist somewhere but certainly not here in the land of Red Roof Inns. Now, in my dream, I was very impressed with the name as I drove up to the hotel. "Mauna Loa": how Hawaiian! Makes me think of macadamia nuts--yummy. (Mauna Loa is also the largest freakin' volcano in the world.)

Inside the lobby, however, I can't find the registration desk. There's the usual plants and comfy chairs. It's like one of those big resort hotels or casinos where you could walk for days and never leave the building.

Then I realize that I'm dressed like a cast member from "Gunsmoke." I'm talking Sheriff Matt Dillon, Miss Kitty and Deputy Festus in Dodge City! Now, "Gunsmoke" was one of my favorite shows as a kid, so I'm ok with the outfit but it is getting me some looks. Imagine dirty, dusty cowboy boots, brown leather pants and chaps, a large belt buckle and a gun holster, long-sleeve Western shirt with vest, a jaunty bandanna around my neck and a cowboy hat. Yep, I'm totally rockin' the look.


Then I turn and see another guy dressed the same and realize we're headed to the same conference. Whew--so I'm not the only freak! He's this short guy and looks like an old friend from childhood named Brian--but he really isn't (you know how dreams are). But can someone tell me why we're dressed like cowboys for a shamanic workshop? Where are the hippie clothes and the drums?

So short dude and I go scouting for the registration desk. First, we find a hotel restaurant and ask the hostess for directions. Then we find a hotel bar and ask directions. Damn, how big is this place? Next, we see the "fitness room desk" and a woman says, "You're very close." So we walk to the next desk behind her, thinking we've found our destination, only to see a woman smile and say, "Are you ready for your bikini wax?"

WTF? No thanks, my pubes are fine just as they are.

The bikini wax girl points us over to the next desk, and thank gods, we're here. Finally, the registration desk! Except it's also the hotel gift shop. And it must be Christmas because the walls are covered in Christmas tree decorations you can purchase. I go about registering and paying when my partner walks up (not, it should be noted, dressed as Miss Kitty from "Gunsmoke"). He's admiring the Christmas decorations and starts begging for me to buy him a Santa decoration, which I eventually do.

The 3 of us (me, short dude who I kinda recognize and my partner) strike up a conversation with the registration desk lady, who has bleach-bottle-blonde hair. She asks what we're going to do next--and I say, with a gesture like I'm rounding up cattle on a ranch, "We're gonna get some whiskey!" And off we all go to the hotel bar.

I promise, I really don't do drugs.

Last Night's Dream: Get Your Bikini Wax at the Hawaiian Cowboy Shaman Convention!

I don't take drugs, really, I don't--but I sometimes have whacked dreams. Maybe I've been thinking more about Huna philosophy?

Last night, I dreamed that I was in a shamanic workshop held at the home of a local practitioner, the same guy from the other weekend in real life. We're standing in the guy's living room, holding hands around his coffee table. We start talking about a "shaman's greeting"--sort of "what's the secret password?"--and then he leads us in a dance. Or tries to. We're all uncoordinated and throwing legs the wrong way. Oddly, our dance reminded me of what you see at Jewish holidays and weddings. Just imagine a bunch of WASPs dancing in a circle led by a Korean facilitator--but to a Jewish klezmer band.

That's just for starters. Our facilitator (wearing a Hawaiian shirt) then tells us he will see us at the hotel for the next part of the shamanic conference. (I should explain that this sorta makes sense. In real life, he and his wife had just returned from Hawaii before our workshop, and he does appear in Hawaiian shirts on his web site.)

As can only happen in dreams, our conference is in Hawaii but actually still in my hometown. I'm thrilled--because I'll be able to call home without incurring roaming charges! Sweet!

So I drive across town/Hawaii to the "Mauna Loa Hotel"--which, of course, may exist somewhere but certainly not here in the land of Red Roof Inns. Now, in my dream, I was very impressed with the name as I drove up to the hotel. "Mauna Loa": how Hawaiian! Makes me think of macadamia nuts--yummy. (Mauna Loa is also the largest freakin' volcano in the world.)

Inside the lobby, however, I can't find the registration desk. There's the usual plants and comfy chairs. It's like one of those big resort hotels or casinos where you could walk for days and never leave the building.

Then I realize that I'm dressed like a cast member from "Gunsmoke." I'm talking Sheriff Matt Dillon, Miss Kitty and Deputy Festus in Dodge City! Now, "Gunsmoke" was one of my favorite shows as a kid, so I'm ok with the outfit but it is getting me some looks. Imagine dirty, dusty cowboy boots, brown leather pants and chaps, a large belt buckle and a gun holster, long-sleeve Western shirt with vest, a jaunty bandanna around my neck and a cowboy hat. Yep, I'm totally rockin' the look.


Then I turn and see another guy dressed the same and realize we're headed to the same conference. Whew--so I'm not the only freak! He's this short guy and looks like an old friend from childhood named Brian--but he really isn't (you know how dreams are). But can someone tell me why we're dressed like cowboys for a shamanic workshop? Where are the hippie clothes and the drums?

So short dude and I go scouting for the registration desk. First, we find a hotel restaurant and ask the hostess for directions. Then we find a hotel bar and ask directions. Damn, how big is this place? Next, we see the "fitness room desk" and a woman says, "You're very close." So we walk to the next desk behind her, thinking we've found our destination, only to see a woman smile and say, "Are you ready for your bikini wax?"

WTF? No thanks, my pubes are fine just as they are.

The bikini wax girl points us over to the next desk, and thank gods, we're here. Finally, the registration desk! Except it's also the hotel gift shop. And it must be Christmas because the walls are covered in Christmas tree decorations you can purchase. I go about registering and paying when my partner walks up (not, it should be noted, dressed as Miss Kitty from "Gunsmoke"). He's admiring the Christmas decorations and starts begging for me to buy him a Santa decoration, which I eventually do.

The 3 of us (me, short dude who I kinda recognize and my partner) strike up a conversation with the registration desk lady, who has bleach-bottle-blonde hair. She asks what we're going to do next--and I say, with a gesture like I'm rounding up cattle on a ranch, "We're gonna get some whiskey!" And off we all go to the hotel bar.

I promise, I really don't do drugs.