We're Going to Work Things Out--Again

Maybe I'm crazy, but I can't give up just yet on my partner. I didn't sleep well Saturday night, and when I awoke the next morning, nothing seemed resolved in my head or heart. Meanwhile, he had left numerous messages. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I did go home briefly Saturday night to talk with him in person. We were both calm and he seemed to be coming around that, yes, he has a drinking problem. We ate a quick dinner but then I left to stay with my sister. Couldn't stay in the house and needed space to sort things out.

Of his voice and text messages, some were tearful and he pleaded with me not to leave; others were sweet and thoughtful. It's hard to argue with that. And it's hard to argue also with someone who, when they're standing in front of you and begin to cry--this from someone who isn't prone to showy displays of emotion. I'll admit it was nice to see that I had hit a nerve and he really did seem to care what happened to us.

Looking for direction and wisdom
So that was later on Sunday. But before I go to that point, I needed some type of direction. The previous night, I took my tarot cards and did a full Celtic Cross spread. I had never done this type of reading before and it's supposed to be one of the most popular layouts. I don't take these things literally, but I've found the cards helpful for breaking through my own psychic defenses and getting to the truth of the matter.


I spent a good deal of time with the cards, and honestly, could have read them in a number of ways. My question was: "Should I give my partner another chance?" Some cards seemed to say "no" while others pointed me toward "yes." One particular card stood out: the Page of Cups. Within the spread I used, this card represented the immediate future of the situation. Of the interpretations offered, one suggested that communication was closed and another needed my help to express some emotion or truth that is keeping them feeling down. Sure, you can read what you want into that, but it attached itself to my brain and wouldn't let go. I also saw that it could mean that by leaving him, I might actually help. Tricky.

So I slept on it. The next morning, still unsettled, I drove back home to the Grove. My partner was away for the morning, and I felt I needed a walk in the woods. It had been some time since I had been in the woods, and I was hoping something might click into place. I walked to a favorite place by one of the ponds and watched the wind ripple the surface of the water. It was a brisk but sunny morning. A large blue heron flew by twice, and I was surprised to hear tree frogs croaking so early in the season.


Naturally, I tried to remember what these creatures symbolize. For many, the heron is a good omen, a lucky sign, and some Native Americans saw it as a call to go with the natural flow of things. Frogs are often thought to symbolize strength during life's transitions.

But it was cool and I had forgotten my jacket, so I didn't stay too long. And yet, I felt much more calm, peaceful, at rest, than I had in 2 days. When I got a message from my partner that he wanted to talk around lunchtime, I said yes. And I felt it was the right thing to do. So that's when he teared up, when we saw each other the first time yesterday. And I already knew that I would at least go home that night, take it one day at a time, so to speak, and see what happens next.

We talked about his drinking and he said he would set up another appointment with our former couples' counselor. He said he would try out Alcoholics Anonymous. One thing I did not do is make any decisions for him--this has been one of my faults, trying to save him, trying too hard to help. As a result, he doesn't have to take any responsibility. When he asked if I thought I should never drink again, I simply replied that he needed to make that decision.

Is any decision ever the "right" one?
I kept worrying about what the "right" decision was, for him and for me. Then I got a unexpected email from a friend that runs Mountain Light Sanctuary, a retreat center in North Carolina. It was a mass email to folks who had signed up for his newsletter. In it, he talked about how there are no distinctions between "good" decisions and "bad" ones. He relayed an old Chinese proverb that explains this. Basically, we can see "good" or "bad" wherever we want, depending on our circumstances. Regardless, each decision is an opportunity for education, for learning more about ourselves and those around us. There aren't necessarily winners and losers in this life, if you don't buy into the competitive, individualistic grid that is imposed on our culture.

So I don't know if what I've decided is "right"--but that seems irrelevant. I've made my decision, for now. Tomorrow may hold something different. Best thing is I do feel at peace at the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment--it's much appreciated.