I don't like to write very long posts, but a warning, this one may be a doozy. Gotta lot to say today, so if you stick with me, there's a special place in heaven, nirvanna, valhalla or wherever, just for you.
Full disclosure: My partner is an alcoholic. I may have mentioned his "drinking problem" at some point, and I was going to be all organized and review my previous posts--but I ain't got time for all that. The odd part is that I think I've been in denial for some time. It's odd because this situation has gradually worsened over years and years, so slowly that I didn't even notice. Until now, when I'm left wondering how in the hell did I end up where I am. It's like that frog-in-boiling-water metaphor: Put a frog in a pot of water and gradually turn up the heat, and he'll never think to jump out, even when it's too late. Yep, call me froggy.
It doesn't help that my partner also had a stroke recently, so the fun part is that you really can't tell between "drunk" and "oh, he's having a stroke." But the stroke did bring out the alcoholism into full view. Of course, true to the signs of an alcoholic, my partner denies that he is one. It's always me overreacting and nagging and being a drag. This is why I began going to counseling a year ago, and it helped me get a better, truer perspective on what is really going on.
We also attended couples' counseling briefly, and it helped for a while. But he's already broken any promises he made to me about curtailing his drinking. There have been a few crazy moments in which he drank so much that he didn't know where he was; he would stumble into walls and door jambs, and completely forget what had happened during his drinking spell. Add to this all the medications he's on, and it's just suicidal. But there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. We had had a nice evening--until I realized how drunk he was. I lost it. Screaming, crying and so on. I went to bed but couldn't sleep. When he eventually came to bed, he couldn't find the bathroom but did manage to run into a wall or two. So I decided--after much deep breathing--that I would tell him in the morning, when he was sober, that it was over. I didn't want to live like this. I love him and he is a good person, but I can't handle the drinking. It's pulling me under.
So I did it. I told him it was over. And maybe this next part was a mistake, but I then told him that the only way I would stay is if he gave up alcohol completely and got some help. He didn't say much, and I moved into the extra bedroom. A day or so later, the liquor (but not the beer or wine) in the house was gone, and we talked. He sorta admitted he had a problem. He also talked to a relative about the situation, and she basically told him he did need help. So I thought, well, if he's going to try, let's see where this goes. I decided to give him one more chance, and I told him not to make me regret it.
Well, I think it's just a matter of time before we're really over. He's drinking beer or wine with the justification that he doesn't drink as much of that as he would of liquor. Oddly, I've become quite detached from the situation. I've said very little, no fights, no anger--just observing to see what will happen, what he will do. I worried over going to a fundraising gala recently because they would have an open bar. Yes, he drank too much; it wasn't unbearable, but it's obvious to everyone but himself that he's an alcoholic. But the evening wasn't so bad that it caused me to leave.
Now I think I see withdrawal symptoms setting in. He's become short and snippy with me over nothing, and his trademark sense of humor--the main reason I love him so--has all but disappeared. For whatever reasons, he's a very unhappy man. So tonight we're attending a friend's birthday party at a local restaurant, and I'm curious to see what will happen. Will he drink himself into a stupor? I'm not going to stop him if he does. I don't want it to happen, but I'm through trying to intervene and "save" him.
Which brings me to Al-Anon. If you don't know, it's a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics, based on the same 12-step philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our counselor suggested I go, and I resisted at first. I felt like I had done all I had the energy to do, and I wasn't going to add one more thing to my schedule because of "his problem." Maybe that isn't "loving," but there you go. But after the most recent escapade, I decided to go out of desperation. After all, I had finally realized he could not control the drinking. I had finally realized this was going to destroy our relationship. If nothing else, at least maybe I could find some support for what I needed to do next.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting 2 weeks ago. On the positive side, it was encouraging to hear others' experiences and to realize that I'm not just imagining these problems and situations. It was also encouraging to hear them talk about this detachment that I mentioned. Al-Anon stresses allowing the alcoholic to do what they will--as long as you are safe--and suffer whatever consequences arise. The mantra goes: "I didn't cause this. I can't control it. And I can't cure it." All that said, each of us must accept responsibility for our own actions and be prepared for difficult choices.
On the negative side, Al-Anon seems a little cultish. I didn't expect that all the talk about "my higher power" or "God" would make my skin crawl. Sure, I know it's helpful for so many, and I can try to look past the language in order to get the benefits, but it still unnerves me. Maybe that just means that I have finally jettisoned the remnants of my former Christian belief. But there's so much "groupspeak" that I'm wondering if some of these people aren't unstable themselves. They talk about their "own insanity." Sure, we all have issues, but it's arrogant and condescending to equate relationship challenges with real, true mental illness. Yes, I have been in denial about my partner's alcoholism for so long, but I'm hardly insane. Maybe I'm misinformed, but to me "insane" is someone who takes a semi-automatic weapon and shoots up a shopping mall. Maybe a minor quibble.
But it's almost like some of these people now get their identity by being "in love with an alcoholic." It consumes their life, and it seems to me they're not really living out Al-Anon principles. Maybe they're choosing to stay with their loved one. And some have children or parents, I realize, and it's not so easy to let them go. Maybe this is just my path, but now that I see what's really going on, I'm taking the approach "no more excuses!"
Today was my 2nd Al-Anon visit. Very helpful. We again talked about loving detachment, what it is and what it isn't. That helps. But I'm not buying all their recommendations--attending every meeting, working the 12 steps myself and all that. I'm sure they would say that's part of my problem. Hmmm, isn't that what cults say? It reminds me of when, ages ago, I almost was swallowed alive by the beast that is Amway. It's totally a cult--trust me!
I digress. So tonight will be interesting. Will he drink too much and where will that lead? What will my reaction be? Oh yeah, and tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Now this is "real" reality TV! Stay tuned.
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