Post Shamanic Weekend Re-Entry Is a Bitch

I'm very fortunate--I just spent 2 full days with quasi-strangers who have become friends trying to figure out the deeper questions of life. We all have our opinions and quirks, but there's a deep respect and admiration for one another. Yeah, and it took me practically all weekend to realize that, to slough off the armor required to live in this culture and open myself up enough to experience the reality that truly is, the reality that can truly be.

And now it's over, and I'm left with paying bills, deadlines at work, traffic jams, boring TV shows and so on. It's almost as if my weekend was a dream. It felt so real and now, *poof*, it's gone. Makes me wonder, did any of that happen?

"Goddesses Gone Wild!"
We had fun with that line, speculating which of our activities might wind up on YouTube. But sorry to disappoint, we didn't actually get beyond a little dancing and some racy humor.

As a quick recap, I'm in this shamanic mystery school based on the 7 chakras. This past weekend, we focused on the heart chakra and goddess energy. Situated in the middle of the chakra system, the heart chakra is about balance, and we directed our energy toward a love-centered foundation for compassion and service to others. Here are a few highlights:

• Love is always unconditional. If it's conditional, it isn't love. Duh.

• Prior to the workshop, we each meditated on the moon and journeyed there. I've developed a strong spiritual connection to one other workshop participant. She showed up in both my meditation and my dream the first night of the workshop.

• We talked about male and female energy (I'm not convinced there's a difference, actually). But the facilitator had constructed this "cylinder" out of 2 hula hoops and ribbon that we could step into. Allegedly, male energy spins one way while female spins the other. Naturally, my hoop rocked back and forth! But while standing there, I totally had serious deja vu, a flashback to a dream or whatever---but I recall an image of me standing inside this thing, not knowing what it was but very curious. Took my breath away and gave me the willies!
  

• We listed 13 goddesses in our own lives and their lessons. Then we discussed various goddesses from different cultures. I pulled Artemis, and it read:

  "I am Artemis, the Greek Goddess of Selfhood. I am here to say that now is the time to pay attention to the whispering voices of your own needs. Now is the time to take yourself back and celebrate and strengthen who you are."

  Which is so appropriate it's scary, given the issues I'm having with my partner. Thank you, Artemis. I don't know how accurate that is historically, but it works for me!
  

• We also learned about cool, freaky stuff like the 13 Egyptian chakras and their harmonies/tones, how to do a crystal chakra layout for someone, huna energy balancing and healing, crystal grids and shamanic body journeying (which I'll briefly explain). We also participated in a heart chakra activation ceremony. And lots of drumming, shaking rattles and a little goddess dancing for those who felt so inclined.
  

My Goddess and Gender Issues
You probably know the pagan world is pretty much divided into goddess energy and god energy, and I get why all that's important. But for those of us like me who don't really fit in either world, it's a bit of a riddle. Where do we fit? I can appreciate feminine qualities and goddess perspectives, but I believe and know there is something beyond that. Gender is so limiting, whether you're male or female. We're so much more.

This came up during our shamanic body journey to the heart. I'll spare you the logistics since they're quite complicated. All that's important is this: I saw a beautiful and fierce sea goddess (and this photo is a pale imitation) whose hair was of seaweed and sea anemones, her limbs were undulating sea creatures, and she swayed with the ocean's currents. This was supposed to be my "goddess within." Most gay men have already found their inner goddess--ha, ha--but was this all?

Then a watery shock wave broke the sea goddess image; it became more androgynous, and then another shock wave made the figure disappear altogether, leaving nothing but pure formlessness and essence. This is it! THAT is me! THAT is all of us! We are not bound by what's between our legs--gods, how limiting! All I could see was water, representing pure energy and spirit. It brought tears to my eyes.

We were also to ask questions of the goddess, so I'll have to backtrack a bit. I asked, "What am I supposed to be doing?" Because I'm always unsure and seem to be going in various directions that never pan out. I initially heard, "Just be," which really bothered me because I'm totally Type A. But then, as I meditated on that image of formlessness (is there such a thing?), I distinctly heard: "I Am."

Whoa--for us former Christians, that smacks of heresy! But it isn't really. It isn't quite the same thing as the Christian god saying, "I am that I am." Sure, I'd still be burned at the stake if this were 1509 but whatever. What that meant to me, if I can even begin to put it into words, is that whatever I'm doing is good and fine and perfect. Whomever I am or become is good and fine and perfect. The same energy in me is the energy is each and every person in this world, past, present and future. And it's the same energy in the plants, the animals, the water, the sun and the stars themselves.

So the goddess in Riverwolf says, "I am. And it's all good, y'all."