It's odd the things that stick in your mind when you're deciding whether to end a relationship. I can't remember when it started exactly, but for a few years now, I've set out everything my partner needs for his breakfast. I'm always the first to leave in the mornings. I make the coffee and set his plate, bowl, napkin, spoon, coffee cup and a packet of sweetner on the counter.
But now that I'm trying to distance myself, this little act has taken on a huge significance. Lately I've been leaving the house without setting out his stuff. After all, he can do it himself! Of course, he notices and says how he likes it when I make this simple gesture. But one morning I found myself in this terrible dilemma. The night before, we'd had a decent talk, and I guess i was in a better, more forgiving mood. I literally stood there in the kitchen debating whether to put out the dishes or not. For me, putting them out signified all was forgiven; but not doing it felt like I was being too stubborn.
In the end, I chose not to. All is not forgiven. Maybe it will be, at some point. Last night, I asked him, "Why is this time different? How do I know the drinking won't start again." My partner says he can kick it by sheer force of will; he loves me, he says, and doesn't want to lose me. But I just don't know if I can forgive and forget again. Until I can, he gets his own breakfast dishes.
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