Not sure how to start this, but--I'm leaving my partner. It's over, done, kaput.
Except it isn't over, not yet. You don't just flip a switch after almost 15 years and call it quits. So what do you do? I realized that it's been a long, long while since I had ended any relationship, and I don't even know how to get started.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. You're probably wondering what happened to tip the scales this time. You may remember I mentioned in passing that our beach vacation was awful. I didn't post the details because it was just more of the same, and I was a little embarrassed, frankly, that I was still with him. It all stems from his alcoholism, which he refuses to acknowledge in any serious way.
We had a good July 4th weekend, and yet something kept gnawing at me in the back of my mind, telling me it wouldn't last. And it didn't. We attended a cookout Sunday evening. He drank but seemed ok. But back home, he kept drinking. Meanwhile I was busy puttering around the house. Then I started to notice he was stumbling and couldn't keep his balance, and I knew... Rather than flip out, I chose to focus on what I was doing. I gave up trying to change him a while ago. Then he appeared to be either asleep or passed out on the sofa. It was late, and I just decided to go to bed. A bit later when I came back into the room to turn off the lights and check doors, I noticed he was headed out the door to our deck. When I asked him what he was doing, he teetered around and stared at me all inebriated. He said he was going to the bathroom. Now this would be funny if it weren't so sad. I reminded him the bathroom was in the back of the house, not outside. It took a moment for it to register, and then he found his way to the toilet.
So it had happened again. Nothing very dramatic, but I decided I'm done. The next morning, of course, he remembered nothing. I've moved all my stuff into the guest room and have been sleeping there. But now what?
We've talked some, and he's apologized profusely and said how he doesn't deserve me and I'm the greatest thing ever and he loves me. And I told him that isn't enough anymore. He's even admitted he needs some kind of help--but I know he won't do anything. He's merely upset that he got caught and that I got angry and he's suffering the consequences. When we talked last night, it was odd--strangely calm, cold, robotic even. I could barely bring myself to say anything. I don't want it to end, dammit! He's a good person and I love him! Yet this isn't working any longer. I don't want this life, not rescuing him from himself.
But practically, I'm stuck. Because of the debt we incurred after his stroke and his loss of income due to the bad real estate market, we have no money. I'm also making less money than last year. I have a tiny bit saved that might take care of 1 or 2 months rent and expenses, but then what? The mortgage is in both our names, but neither one of us can afford the house alone, so we'll have to sell. Yeah, and in this market, how long will that take?
I'm kind of numb right now. I know what I have to do, yet I'm dreading every step of it. I have to begin consciously and intentionally pushing him farther and farther away or I'll end right back in this situation again. I can't move in with family, but there may be a friend or two who has extra room. I know a house is just a house--but damn, I love this house. And The Grove! The land is what I will miss the most. Maybe I can find something comparable, but just the idea of holing up in some condo or apartment after living here is just painful to think about. What about the creek, the lake, the trees and all the critters I've come to know? Sure, I know they'll be fine without me--but will I be fine without them?
On an intellectual level, of course I will. If it's time to move on, then it's time. I feel like I was led to Brandtlund Grove, and so I have to believe that spirit will lead me on to the next place where I need to be.
Advice anyone? I still have to go home, wash clothes, cook dinner, pay bills and deal with all that stuff that binds my partner and I together. I need to start severing those bonds...somehow. I know what I've said to my partner hasn't taken hold yet; he still thinks I'll forgive and forget one more time. Hoo boy, I have a feeling this is going to be long, dramatic and messy.
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