A little update. Since Monday morning, my partner has been on his best behavior, doing all those things around the house that he's usually too tipsy to care about. He's also been sending thoughtful text messages, emails and so on. Which is great--but I asked him why it has to get this bad for him to be this good. He also hasn't touched a drop of alcohol. Meanwhile, I've been slowly pushing him away, still sleeping separately, no "hi honey" kisses, not much conversation and generally doing my own thing without asking. I figure we're just roommates now.
I knew this would all get to him, and it did last night. Not that I'm trying to play a game, but I'm serious, and he needs to understand things have to change. So he basically corners me last night and began asking me where we go from here. We had a nice talk, but I kept my distance. He says he now knows he has to change and that he can no longer drink. That's huge--except I doubt his ability to just decide and never drink again. I kept suggesting he talk to our pastor, another counselor, a friend or attend an AA meeting. He seemed to be listening, but we'll see.
When he's sober, he's the sweetest, most thoughtful person, and it kills me to push him away. I just want to reach out and embrace him, tell him it will be ok and that I'll be there for him. But I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so angry, so tired, so hurt, so tired of it all. He wants me to move back into our bedroom, but I said no. But what if he does begin to change, what if he does get help, what if he never drinks again? Do I forgive once again? Right now, I just am unable to do so.
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