I need to make some changes, people. The kicker is that nothing seems to going like I'd hoped, and none of the choices before me seem all that attractive. But I gotta do something--staying stuck like this is driving me bonkers.
First, my main job has turned into a complete bore. On the positive side, it's a good job with a good client, and I'm pretty much left alone. On the negative, I've been doing it for 7 years and I'm worn out. I work in isolation, and that adds to my creative drought. There are no open positions within the company, and I don't want any other projects anyway.
My plan was to stick with it until I could quit and go full-time freelance/consulting, but all signs point to that taking much longer than I had planned. It's catch-22: because of my full-time job, I don't have as much time for freelancing, but the more freelancing I take on, the more stress it causes at home and in the office. My partner works for himself, and his work has pretty much dried up, so we depend on my regular salary. We're unable to save much right now due to the economy and past bills.
I could quit, of course, and try to find something new. That's a big gamble in the current economy. Most of my friends who have lost their jobs are still without work--but at least they have unemployment or severance. I could also look while I still have a job, but same bad job market. I've searched for other full-time employment when times were better and didn't have much luck, so I'm not so confident I've have better luck this go-round.
At home, as many of you know, things have been rough. It's a little better, but I'm not sure it's enough. Since his stroke, my partner has essentially "aged" 20 years. At least that's how it feels to me. He shuffles around in this hoodie all the time because he's on blood-thinners and cold. He's lost weight, which is good, but can't seem to find new clothes that he likes or ones that fit, so he looks all schlumpy all the time. We hardly talk even when we're together--it seems he's either bored or simply can't hold a conversation. He's like this with other people, too.
What little we had in common seems to have disappeared, and I can't imagine what we have left to save. I feel like I'm dragging him out of the house all the time because he really would prefer to stay at home. And he complains when I go without him. Movies, TV, politics, hobbies--we're always at opposite ends. When we first met 15 years ago, I saw a future with him, and he was the first guy that ever made me feel that way. But now when I look at our future, I just see him getting older and more dependent on me, and I see me more stuck at home, more obligated to sacrifice what I want for him. All my plans? They seem to require sacrifices that he is either unwilling or unable to make.
I'm actually prepared to sell the house and leave the Grove! That's huge, but I don't know if we can afford it any longer. And it's a lot of upkeep, too, on a mental level. In some ways, however, he's more connected to this place than I am. He's much more sentimental than I am, to the extent of foreclosure or bankruptcy, if it came to that. Sometimes he refuses to be practical, regardless of the situation.
So I've got 2 very similar situations--bored, isolated, no future--and no easy fixes that I can see. I'm tired of all this. It has to change soon. I was reading something the other day about divination and astrology, and I liked what it said: Basically, these are tools, not for predicting an exact future but in presenting us with choices about what kind of people we want to be.
So I thought I'd apply that premise to my life. From a career standpoint, I want to be a person who takes chances, is positive and believes in dreams. I want to be a person who isn't so scared of losing security that he only goes so far. What does this mean, then? I can look and look for another job but may never find one. I could quit without anything in place, but is that wise? There's no way to know.
In my personal life, I want to be a person who you can depend on, a person you can trust. I want to be loyal and loving. So that would indicate that I should stay with my partner no matter what--but where does that leave me? Do I sacrifice everything I think I need for some abstract image of "who I want to be?" I don't see anything changing anytime soon. Can I live with that for another 20-30 years?
I do have choices, but I know there are no "right" ones. It's all relative, really. It does come down to what kind of person I want to be, yet even that isn't so cut and dried. Or maybe I'm too close to everything to see a solution. I keep hoping something will stand out, will signal me toward a particular direction. Right now, the paralysis is overwhelming.
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