(both "Desert Shaman" photos by Greg Day)I haven't posted about any shamanic work lately. No workshop this month, or for the next 2, but I have conducted a few solo journeys. But nothing too dramatic or insightful to report. I'm attempting to journey more frequently and explore this path more deeply, however. Some may consider what I do crazy, but I'm always at peace after a journey and, in general, these experiences allow me to explore parts of my spirit that are too often neglected.
Made time for 2 journeys this weekend, and I wanted to experiment and see what would occur if I journeyed with a specific goal in mind. The last couple of journeys were a bit frustrating since my mind kept wandering and not much "happened." So, here's where the sex comes in. My partner and I still haven't been intimate in a long while. We were going to couple's counseling, but we've had to put that on hold for financial reasons. So there's been some discussion about sex but not enough to make any difference.
And the lack of sex is becoming a real problem. At this point, I'm open to any solution, but my partner doesn't seem all that concerned either way. I know there are any number of ways to handle this in the real world--but I wanted to see what insights I might get on a shamanic journey. Why not? I wanted to see what my subconscious would cough up, what images and metaphors might tumble out if I could trick my everyday defenses.
In order to do so, I decided to conduct a Lowerworld journey and work there with my spirit guides Wolf and Vulture. Hopefully they would guide me to some insights.
I won't give too many details about the journeys themselves since they were quite similar and relatively short. I followed my usual approach, a drumming CD playing with me lying on the floor of a dark room. I began the journey by entering the woods here at my home and going to the Circle in the Grove. There's a fallen tree nearby, and some small animal has dug out a burrow there. So I kneel down and shimmy inside.
The Lowerworld landscape is familiar: lush, green hills barren of trees but shrouded in fog and marked here and there with large rocks and boulders. Very much like the photo here, of Ireland (photo below by Donncha Caoimh).
My first journey was a little freaky kinky at first. As soon as I emerged, I began to shift into wolf form, and then my spirit wolf appeared nearby from among some trees. We approached each other and began to circle and sniff--as if we were about to have wild wolf sex! But wait a minute, I thought, is this "supposed" to be happening? Am I doing this right? And, whoa, is this bestiality?Well, I never got to find out because my partner interrupted by knocking on the door and asking for something.
First Lesson: I need to politely ask him not to knock if the door's closed and remind him that it is frustrating when these sessions get interrupted like that. But I also learned that I could have simply ignored his knock. Instead I opened the door and acted like nothing was wrong. Why? Because I'm insecure of what he thinks about my shamanic work. I'm also fearful of what he would say if I explained it all in great detail. And I was also afraid of an argument. It's obvious that I do need to ask more for what I need, whether that's time to journey uninterrupted--or sex. I know this, of course, but to ask for sex doesn't necessarily lead to it. Yet I can certainly ask more. If nothing else, it would force this issue more out into the open.
Which is where it needs to be. Our relationship won't last much longer if we keep sweeping all these sexual issues under the rug.
Fortunately on the second journey, I wasn't interrupted. I had plenty of time in the morning before he woke up. As I entered the Lowerworld, however, I sensed great impatience within. This time I didn't shapeshift but sat quietly the ground. Wolf approached silently and sat, and Vulture also flew down to land on a nearby boulder. All was silent, yet I shared with them my spiritual and emotional fatigue. This weary shaman needed strength.
Then it occurred to me to dance. Wolf and Vulture moved back, and I rose and began to engage in the coolest, wildest dance. I stomped and spun, and I could see I was wearing some sort of arm bands and anklets made of long strands of grass. I wore one around my neck, too. I was naked (as usual) except for some sort of grassy covering around my waist.
Best of all were the emotions. If felt great to extend my body in this way, to follow the CD drumbeat, to bend and stretch and move. As I danced, Wolf and Vulture moved around me clockwise in a circle. I felt free as I danced, not ashamed of my body or of exposing it. I felt strong and handsome and sexual.
And then it was time to end. Second Lesson: I somehow need to find confidence in myself sexually, physically, emotionally. Oh sure, piece of cake. I know these lessons and experiences are all telling me what I already know, but it's good to have this affirmed in a roundabout way, when I'm not expecting it or necessarily even thinking about them.
So how do I build sexual confidence and strength? I mean, it's kind of embarrassing to even ask that question. Our society tells us we're supposed to know it all, right? Sex is such a powerful force and most of us are so lacking in how to use it well and wisely. I don't want this sexual frustration to win. I want to channel that energy to make things better somehow, if possible. It sounds odd to admit, but I need to work on my sexuality. And no, I can't afford any fancy workshops or counseling. Instead, I'm going to have dig deep inside and see what I'm made of, on my own, at least to start.
Has anyone else out there done any sexual work like this or found a particularly spiritual approach to handling sexual energy?
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