My "Dear John" Letter to the Church

I finally did it--after much thought, I've left the Christian Church. The other week I wrote a letter to my pastor explaining my decision. It wasn't easy--the church of which I was a member is a great congregation. It's a place where you can ask questions and find many ways to serve and grow. Well, if it was so great, you ask, why leave?

Since setting off on this new path, I really hadn't attended much. That's a big deal--I was someone who grew up in the church, attended Christian school, was part of the college campus ministry as a student and was a summer missionary for the Florida State Baptists. I've attended church regularly since age 16, with only a few breaks here and there. I've served on missions committees, worship committees, organized prayer services and communion, and even served 3 years as a deacon.

But as my faith grew, I began to explore difficult questions about Christianity and religious faith in general. It would take a really long post to explain it all, but basically I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer believe in the concept of God. Religion can be a great thing, and many religious people are wonderful people. However, I can no longer be a part of an institution or belief system with which I disagree.

So I wrote a letter to my pastor, thanking him and the congregation for everything. Lots of tears were shed while writing this because it was a difficult decision. But I'm in a different place now, and I need to be honest with myself and with my church about who I am and what I believe--or don't.

For a while, I thought I would remain a member in order to support the local church, to help it spread its particularly welcoming brand of Christianity. That's certainly needed when so many other churches are exclusionary and legalistic. But I realized that my heart, or my spirit if you will, had moved on. I could no longer sit in the pew and pray to Jesus or God with any sincerity. I could no longer sing the hymns with any conviction or participate in worship with any integrity.

So what do I believe now? In short, I don't believe in any god or gods or even anything divine. That may seem depressing to some but I think otherwise. For me, looking at reality straight in the face is quite liberating. So much unnecessary crap just falls aside, giving us the opportunity to focus on what we feel is most important. Ironically, isn't that what religion is supposed to do? All too often, however, religion fails.

It seems we humans have evolved on this tiny planet in space, but I don't think our position at the top of the food chain necessarily means we have eternal souls or that some deity is directing our lives. I think that when we die, that's it, just like every other creature on Earth. There isn't any future reward or special heavenly mansions--it's all right here, right now. So get busy!

All that said, we humans are uniquely "spiritual" creatures. We love to believe in stuff--whether it's Jesus, fairies, Santa Claus or alien abductions. That's what I want to explore now. I wonder, what is this "spirit" exactly? Why is it so important to us? Essentially, that's what any religious person asks, but I "believe" we must go beyond what our current religious offerings provide.

If you happen to read this and you're a Christian, don't feel sorry for me. I'm quite excited about what's next. I don't want any labels such as agnostic or atheist--that's what I'm trying to get away from. I'm just looking for truth, whatever that is and if it even exists. I like to think that if there is a God or that if Christianity is True, well, then it'll become obvious one day. I'm hardly anti-religion, either. Christianity brought some wonderful things into my life--and it was also a great source of pain--self-inflicted pain.

So I would say, yes, believe in whatever you like. Most importantly, however, don't take it too seriously, and remember that everyone who believes differently from you is just as sincere and devout as you are. And none of us can prove who's "right" and who's not. In fact, I think we are all "right" and, at the same time, none of us are. Ah yes--paradox. I think that's the difficult truth we all need to discover.