Ms. Mary Moodswing

I was in such a shitty mood on my way into the office today, and I'm trying to figure out why. Ever have those mornings where you just want to plow through all the other cars? No? Ok, so maybe I have a problem. But I'm usually so laid back, honestly.

Haven't posted anything lately on how the couples counseling is going, and I think this is part of what's bothering me. The counseling seems to be helping, but I think it's going too slow. Maybe we need to get a new therapist, but heavens to murgatroid, I don't want to start over again! The good news is that my partner and I aren't fighting as much, and we've had a couple of nice moments lately.

Yep--a couple....of....nice....moments. So is that it? Am I supposed to be happy with that for the next 30-40 years? I think this is what has me angry. He's trying, in his own way, to make things better--but I just don't think it's going to be enough.

I want more passion, more affection in our relationship. I want not to be turned away when I try to get a bit closer. Hell, I want to have sex! I guess I'm angry because I keep hoping things going to significantly improve--and they're not. There's just too much to dig through, and honey, therapy is expensive. I might give this til the end of the year and then re-evaluate. A year of therapy seems plenty to me.

So, feeling angry, desperate, bored and quite horny--a dangerous combo!

Add guilty, too, for even posting this. I don't know why I'm in this situation or why it seems so difficult to change. My friends say it's because I really care what happens, that I still care about my partner and our relationship. Makes sense.

But it also feels like I'm waiting for something, something either positive or negative, to happen that will tip the scales one way or the other. Maybe that's what I'm doing wrong. This morning, I pulled a tarot card for a quick meditation: the 7 of Pentacles. I'm still learning tarot, but this seemed to be about taking responsibility for my actions as well as coming to a cross-roads and taking stock. Seems appropriate, no?