Perfectly Perfect Moi Had a Perfectly Tragic Meltdown

 Holy crap--what a week! Work has been crazy as have my emotions, which I supposed is to be expected. But Tuesday/Wednesday was really a low point, the lowest I can remember being in years, and at one point, I remember feeling quite desperate, discouraged and, perhaps not surprisingly, suicidal.

But I'm still here, obviously! I guess I set myself up for it in a way. This past weekend was great, very relaxing, and I remember starting work on Tuesday all fired up and energized to accomplish lots and conquer the world. Alas, the world conquered me! By the time I went to sleep Tuesday night, I was a tearful mess--and it's partly my own fault. I was simply overwhelmed with the things I've taken on workwise, together with my high expectations of myself and the convergence of having more financial demands than ever before.

Add to that some of the reasons why I left my partner. I've imagined a life where I have time to pursue all these interests of mine. Other people do this, right? Yet somehow I still can't find the time, and I was pissed off. My home office is still unpacked, but truth be told, I cannot take on anything else. And that realization is what pissed me off. Then I felt guilty, guilty for blaming some of my discontent on my partner. And maybe I'm "just a girl who can't say no!" (Sorry, wasn't that from "Oklahoma!?") He always said I try and take on too much. Oh, I'm very focused--there just aren't enough hours in the day to hold that focus! So ok, where does that leave me? How do I find contentment?

So that's how I started Wednesday off, feeling sorry for myself BIG time. Worrying over the choices I've made, worrying over money and just about everything you can imagine. Then I lost a favorite ring of mine, and my watch band began to fall apart. Plus, my betta fish is all stressed out for some reason, and his fins are ragged and he's very listless. (It's not fin rot because I've used an antibiotic and the 6 other fish in the aquarium are fine. ) Maybe I'm crazy, but the betta was my partner's favorite fish and I think he's suffering separation anxiety! Then I found myself at an aerobic exercise class completely unable to keep up the tempo or the steps, and totally feeling like Grampy Riverwolf. It seems so silly now, but I was ready to just drive off a cliff. It felt like I couldn't do anything "right."

And there's my problem. Once again, I'm trying to be perfect: the perfectly appointed apartment, the perfectly stellar career, the perfectly executed aerobics routine--and so on. This realization hit me while reading another blog the next morning, after I somehow talked myself down from the ledge. After all, suicide isn't a joke--but I'm not kidding, I was looking down that road, and although the exit sign was far off in the distance, I could still see it. Know what I mean?

Honestly though, I take myself WAY too seriously. As usual, I'm trying to control everything and avoid mistakes, whatever those might be. This is how people spiral out of control. Happens all the time. Well, I think I'm finally getting it. Now if I can just avoid the trap of trying to "perfectly" apply this lesson!