Yesterday I had a friend stop by my new apartment to offer a ritual blessing. I thought it was best to bless it before all the furniture and clutter arrived; don't know why, just felt that way. He's one of the guys who completed the Shamanic Mystery School with me, and each time I would think about the blessing in my mind, I kept seeing him offering it. It was really simple, just going through each room with all doors and cabinets open, as he toned with a Tibetan bell. Very nice sound and feel. I also needed to interview him for this project I'm working on, so 2 birds with 1 stone.
Now to the "curse" part, and please take this tongue-in-cheek. No REAL curses here. Well, I just think maybe my relationship to my partner is cursed--as in poison, toxic. The thought of actually packing and moving furniture, clothes, books and feels like more than I can handle. My gut is all in knots and I can't stop bawling my eyes out. I suppose this was stupid, what I did next, but last night I turned to my partner in a vulnerable moment, just for a hug. We started to talk, but then I guess I said something that I shouldn't have, something that was honest but stupid. Naturally, that hurt his feelings. So then he said something, something that was also honest and true--but I took it as a slap in the face. And the moment was ruined.
At least the tears dried up fast! I sat there thinking we're completely toxic for each other right now. We can't seem to talk or do anything without hurting or taking advantage of the other. And even the love we feel for one another is suffocating and controlling, on both sides. Of course, this is just my perspective, and frankly, I don't trust myself anymore. And when you hear someone say, "I love you," and you don't even know how to respond, that love has become a curse.
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