My Quest to Join the Illuminati: Steps 1-4

"Illuminati" by artist Daniel Martin Diaz

Already I've become obsessed with this whole secret society thing. Do they really exist and do they really exert any kind of control or influence? Or--just maybe this is what THEY wanted all along, and their evil mind control powers are already at work on me! Discuss.

So, gentle visitor and author Dantalion Jones commented on one of my posts and noted the 18 steps that one should take to join the Illuminati (originally from author JK Ellis--or, are these 2 the same person?). It seemed to me that these 18 steps were shared in jest, so with that same spirit, I thought I'd have a little fun and see just how close I can come to joining the Illuminati. (And I'm sure that the number 18 is magickal in and of itself, you know, 9 + 9 = 18 and 1 & 8 = 9, so I'm sure all those 9s symbolize some great mind control thingy. I'm lacking in the numerology department.)

Here we go:

1) Be patient and take the long view of things. The Illuminati is, if nothing else, patient with its goal of world domination. 

Easy one. Everyone I know says I have patience to spare. Done!

2) Start your own form of Illuminati group that models everything you know about the so-called "real" Illuminati. Your members should want power, money, control and domination while simultaneously keeping their influence hidden.

Another easy one. Most bloggers I know fit this category! We create our own little words, control who gets to post and rule with an iron fist! And we're anonymous. Done!

3) Study up on what the paranoid conspiracy theorists say about the Illuminati, and learn as much as you can.

I've seen "Angels and Demons," and I'm a fan of Lady Gaga--so, done!

4) Get a degree from Harvard and join the Skull and Bones Society (because, you know, anyone who's anyone in the Illuminati have these connections).

Hmm, this will take some creativity. I can't afford Harvard, however, I do have 2 friends who graduated from Princeton, which is sorta the same thing, so maybe they'll help me out. And I have 2 degrees of my own, so I can sound real smart. Plus, when I was a child, my friends and I created this secret club called (no lie) The Secret X Club, and we totally made our other friends "interview" before they could officially join. Which, I'm sure, is sorta like Skull and Bones--so I'm confident that I can fudge this part of the Illuminati application. (And for the record--no, I never would've let George W join MY secret society! The Secret X Club had very high standards.)

That's a good start, don't you think? Stay tuned to see how I rank on the next several steps!