Hump Day Humdrums

Maybe writing will help me work out some things today and keep me from descending any further into self pity (not a pretty thing).

Couples therapy is actually going well with my partner, and today I was really missing him--even though I saw him last night, and we have plans to have dinner Friday night. But everything seems so difficult. Allow me to elaborate:

1. Money is scarce, and there are some small things I'd like to do around my apartment to make it feel more like home, but I feel I can't spend the money. Every decision feels like I'm weighing whether to eat or pay the rent. I actually helped my sister out--which I suppose I should be thankful that I was able to do--and I'm still waiting to get paid for my last wedding. Even the counseling, which has been so helpful, is costing more than I feel I can afford.

2. My energy level is at an all-time low. I'm not walking in the mornings, although I am doing short meditations. I'm not attending any of my other regular exercise classes either--and I'm starting to feel it! I'd rather just come home, get into my robe and chill with some DVDs. Working is difficult (except for my ministerial work, fortunately), and it's a challenge to get out of the bed every day and focus on the tasks at hand.

3. Emotions are volatile, unpredictable. One minute I'm feeling positive and upbeat, the next I'm crying my eyes out. Which is not normal for me. One minute I want to see friends, and the next I want to be left alone. Then, one moment I'll feel like my partner and I will be reunited, and the next I never want to see him again.

4. Spiritually, I'm feeling good, but I feel like I could be doing more. Reading and meditating more, for example, or getting outdoors. I'm probably being too hard on myself, but I feel like this time I now have is precious, and I don't want to squander it. At times, everything I'm going through seems to make sense and have a purpose on some level--and at other times I feel like a complete loony fool.

I'm just a great big ball of anxiety and insecurity! I'm so ready to emerge from all this, to feel energized again, engaged with the world again. Is that too much to ask?

So, how was your day?